[forgivexforget]

I'm posting all over the place because I just can't do it anymore. I've kept so much in and I'm about ready to explode. I just need to get these emotions out somewhere! I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I have no one to talk to.

I miss one of my great friends. He means the world to me.

Had to hold back tears after writing those two sentences. I just miss him so frickin much. I miss the way we talked. I miss his voice. I miss just being friends. But now everything is so different.

I'm dissociating so much more now. I want to hurt myself all the time. I even sit in class and try to do it without anyone seeing. I'm desperate to feel better.

My family isn't making things better. All I do is get screamed at, and I'm sick of it.

I try to hold up this front. This giant brick wall, but I can feel it crumbling down. The wall is desperate to be broken, to have someone to talk to and just spill everything. But then again, it's still has trust issues. It doesn't want people to get close, so finds ways to push people away, but then feels extremely bad about it.

I'm just so conflicted. My depression is getting worse and I don't know what to do.

[Idiot17]

Do you go to a therapist, if not you should seriously consider it. If your desperate for that wall to crumble as you say then youll talk at therapy thus getting the help you yearn. I have to admit that im being a hypocrite right now. I need to speak, eveything is on the tip of my tongue yet i hold it all in. But dont do that it so does not pay, your depression will just get worse. Talk its the best, let ppl that care about you know how you feel.
Gluck

[dailyhealing]

Thanks for posting this on here! I do think talking about things, wherever you can find a safe place to do so, is a good start. It sounds like you really want to get better, and it is really hard to do when you don't have support. I hope you will keep posting on here!

[lancetrot]

Hi forgivexforget,
Really sorry for you.
You just need to relax. I can realize how the feelings are, when someone close to us is missing from rest of our life. But see, that is what happening and that is not the end of the world also. I dont think a therapist can do anything good to soothe your bitter feeling now other than prescribing medication over your depression. Better talk with someone who is very close to you and some one who can really understand you better. Remember there are no medicines for all the problems. But I am sure that time can do wonders which medicine can not. This issue will also pass. Till then hold it up and be strong enough to endure it. You can, If you believe in your self. Stop worrying.
Good Luck.

[forgivexforget]

Thank you, everyone.

Idiot17 - I do not see a therapist, but I've been thinking a lot about it lately. I've had five therapists already and each one has not been good at all. I'm hoping to maybe soon find the right now.

dailyhealing - Thank you. And yeah, I stopped posting on here for a long time, but I just couldn't do it anymore. I hope I'll be able to be more open, now.

lancetrot - Thank you, I'll do my best. Thing is, this friend I had was the one person I could actually talk to. I'm not very much of a trusting person, so even me posting on here is hard. I do talk to some of my other friends but they don't know the whole situation I'm in. And I have a slight fear of medication, but maybe I'll try considering it.

[Fuzzybear]

[lynn09]

Hello, forgivexforget. Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time dealing with the absence of your friend. The fact that you do not have good support from your family, friends, T, or Pdoc right now makes it even more difficult - no safety net.

I would encourage you to really make an effort to find a good T and Pdoc to help you through this. Sometimes talking about your feelings and issues to friends is not helpful. Although they can provide caring, empathetic emotional support, their perspective is going to be subjective and, therefore, biased, especially since they don't know and don't really need to know all of the relevant details. A good T's/Pdoc's objectivity is a valuable resource because they can look at you and your situation from the outside rather than being in it. This can help you view yourself and your situation from different perspectives that you cannot see from inside the situation. Further, since the T's/Pdoc's only objective is (should be) to help, not judge, you, and they are bound to confidentiality, you can tell and discuss with them sensitive details that you are not comfortable sharing with friends which will allow them to provide the appropriate guidance and support you need.

As for medications, they are not designed or intended to solve your problems. They are intended to enhance the effectiveness of the "good" neurotransmitters your brain needs to function correctly - to be able to access and utilize the higher brain functions of reason and logic. Severe emotional stress pumps stress hormones, "bad" neuro-ts, into your system triggering your fight-or-flight response (anxiety, feelings of impending doom, danger, etc.), and they actually suppress the production of the "good" neuro-ts leaving you to deal with raw, unfiltered emotions. The more depressed you get, the more stress hormones are produced further suppressing production of the "good" neuro-ts, and creating that all-too-familiar downward spiral. The meds are intended to help break that vicious cycle so you can do things to stimulate production of the "good" neuro-ts - to help clear away the mental fog so you can think more clearly and rationally.

However, you need to be doing things on a daily basis to stimulate production of the "good" neuro-ts so the meds will have something to enhance - consistent exercise at just about any level (walking, swimming, etc.) for 30 minutes/day, good diet and rest, engaging in activities you enjoy, socializing to the extent of your comfort level, etc. Laughing stimulates production of the "good" neuro-ts. I read a research study years ago where they found that even just the act of smiling (whether you feel like it or not) actually elevated the particpants' moods.

Even if a person does not have a physiological condition that produces a brain-chemistry imbalance (diabetes, stress causes an imbalance in that chemistry which produces the symptoms of depression, mental fog, confusion, anxiety, panic, etc. Depression must be treated on both the physiological and psychological fronts. A research study published in 2010 revealed that the genes controlling the immune system are actually altered, damaged, in people with PTSD. In those who had short-term PTSD, the genes reverted to normal after a period of time. However, in those who had long-term PTSD (veterans, crime victims, abuse victims, etc.), those genes remained damaged producing a whole host of immune-system medical problems in addition to their psychological problems.

It IS difficult sometimes to find the right T and/or Pdoc for you, but it IS worth the effort. It's a relationship thing - just like with any other relationship between humans, there must be enough common ground among the participants for there to be good communication, and to create a foundation of mutual-trust and respect to build on. We're not friends with everyone because we just don't "mesh" with some people - it's no different with Ts, Pdocs, Mdocs, etc. Your healthcare professionals work for YOU - in essence, they are YOUR employees. YOU are contracting their services to help you achieve YOUR goals - so, interview them to find out if they're right for the job that you are considering hiring them to do for you.

As for trust, the most important person you need to learn to trust is yourself because you cannot control other people's motives, intentions, or actions; therefore, you cannot trust others implicitly. You must be able to trust yourself to do what is reasonable, appropriate, responsible, and in your best interest, to the extent that you do no intentional harm to others, regardless of situation and circumstance - regardless of what others may think, say, and do.

Ts, Pdocs, meds, etc., are invaluable resources and tools for us to use to help us become the people we want to be and have the lives we desire. We are talking about the quality of your life here - what could be more important? So, take advantage of every resource available to you to find out what does/does not work for you in order to enhance the quality of your life - you're worth it. lynn09 (sorry this is so long)

[ColorRed]

Hi forgivexforget, I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now - I know it can be hard to try to express these kinds of emotions, especially when you don't feel like you have someone you can trust. I thought lynn09's response was very encouraging, especially the part about not giving up in looking for a therapist you can connect with. If you're not sure where to start, I know from my time with Focus on the Family that they have counselors who will talk with you for free over the phone, and they may be able to provide referrals for counselors and/or psychiatrists in your area. The number is 855-771-HELP (4357). Just a thought... Take care of yourself, and know that all of us here care and want to help. HUGS!!