I haven't been on these forums for a few months now, and my depression has been pretty stable for several months aside from a little blip when some family issues came about over the holidays. But I can feel myself slipping pretty fast lately. Tearful, paranoid, overwhelmingly sad, not coping well, and there isn't anyone to talk to about things (I have no close friends and my family and I do not speak). I'm overwhelmed with life; a lot of things in the coming months I have to plan for and I don't know what to do. I have a major surgery at the end of the year that I think I'll probably cancel because, well, I can't do it alone (recover) and there is really no one to help me.

The thing that makes me feel so sad today is that I can't think of one single person who actually loves me...you know? Like, I think most people can say that their parents or significant other, or child, or at least someone loves them. But no, I can't think of one person who has any strong feelings for me. Who, if something were to happen to me tomorrow, would miss me past the weekend. Sometimes I think it would just be easier on everyone if I weren't here. I know I'm not supposed to say that, but it's true. And who am I being strong for? I'm the only one I live for and I'm not very happy about myself and my life at the moment. Sorry...I'm not threatening...I'm just very sad. Thank you for listening.

...and then the threads all around mine are read while mine stays unread. Hey, I'm glad I thought to come back here. Pfft. Peace out.

[TerryL]

Hi misskeena, it does take a while for some threads to get responses but please don't take it personally. I have had posts that never got any responses but have also found support with other posts. I really don't think it is personal.

As for feeling that no one would really care if you were gone. I feel the same sometimes. I see those news stories about how someone went missing and how devastated their loved ones were and I can't see my sibs or friends feeling that way...I did have one person that truly cared for me and I hang on to that for comfort. If you don't have that one person, don't lose hope. There is someone out there who needs you as much as you need them.

Sorry. I'm feeling a big mixture of rage and overwhelming sadness; it's all part of the depression. It sucks when I have to try to be "normal" at work...

There really isn't someone out there like that. I'm a healthcare worker so maybe one could say that my patients need me but it's not the same. I'm kind of tapped out as far as that is concerned. My "love tank" is empty. Everyone needs a refill at some point. I haven't had someone tell me they loved me (and mean it) in several years.

I've actually thought about disappearing, you know? Just going "off the grid," just to see who, if anyone, missed me. The problem with that is a) I'd need money at some point and b) I think my job would miss me but they'd stop calling after a while and that would be that. The cats and I would be on our own.

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Sorry. I'm feeling a big mixture of rage and overwhelming sadness; it's all part of the depression. It sucks when I have to try to be "normal" at work...

There really isn't someone out there like that. I'm a healthcare worker so maybe one could say that my patients need me but it's not the same. I'm kind of tapped out as far as that is concerned. My "love tank" is empty. Everyone needs a refill at some point. I haven't had someone tell me they loved me (and mean it) in several years.

I know depression does suck. I also hate having to "put on that happy face". Sometimes I wish we could just print our true feelings on a T-shirt and wear it. One time I was at the drugstore and there was a lady in front of me. The cashier asked the standard "how are you?" and the lady said "I am so lonely". I never forgot that...

As for finding someone who will really care, I know many of us are in the same boat. Please don't give up hope.

Heh, someday I want to go through a whole day telling the exact truth when people ask, "How are you?" I never will, but I'd like to know what would happen.

I'm trying not to give up hope, really. Honestly (and this is going to sound terribly crazy cat lady-ish) sometimes the only thing that keeps me alive is the knowledge that, if I were to kill myself, I would be doing a terrible disservice to my 2 cats, one of whom I rescued from the streets 8 years ago and who has been with me through all the really bad times. They're the only things on earth that like me even when I suck at life; they don't deserve to be thrown into the animal shelter and likely put down because their owner can't cope.

[TerryL]

I think about being totally honest too and probably won't do it either. I have wondered what would happen, if I ever get a job, if I told my boss and co-workers what I am really feeling. I actually think it would benefit them because I know if I knew other people knew what I was going through (they don't have to sympathize, just at least know who I really am), then I would feel better and would work better. I bet you ten dollars that they would love to tell the true truth about themselves too.

I'm glad you have your two kitties to have a reason to stay around, especially if one was a rescue...there's this special bond...I rescued all my pets...just hang in there misskeena.

[Seshat]

Hi misskeena and TerryL. These past few weeks I've been feeling overwhelmed too. I've got my family and they're nice people, but they can't be of much help since they simply don't understand what I'm going through. I don't have any close friends either and I have to rely on my diary and therapy in order to get things off my chest. It is so difficult at times. I have 2 cats and taking care of them helps me a lot indeed.

[roses4peace]

When I get depressed, I sometimes turn my back on people that love me, and i go and cuddle my dogs because I know they can't judge at all. They are just there. It is so hard explaining my feelings/emotions to other people, even my immediate family who have similar mental issues. I get so mad and annoyed at everyone.

i would also get pissed if someone didn't reply to my thread! All of us around here are so fragile because of anxiety/depression/etc that it hits us hard! Hang in there!!

Seshat, I feel like my family not only doesn't understand what I'm going through but doesn't want to try to understand. That and they expect far more from me than I could possibly give. Like, "Hey, stop blaming your depression on your dysfunctional childhood." Well, yeah, I don't want to do that and I do my best NOT to, but I DO need you to understand what my needs are and why I may respond the way I do. I mean, we only live what we learn. I had to grow up pretty quickly and now, when really what I desperately want is for someone to just listen to me and be loving and nurturing (all things I'm not really accustomed to), I'm kind of made to feel like I'm weak and needy by my family. This is why I finally chose to cut ties with them; I was tired of working hard to have a relationship with them when it mainly led to disappointment and me feeling sad and wounded. I am also pretty mad at them for STILL not understanding, after decades, the basic things I need emotionally. Pretty childish and unreasonable, I know, but that's how I feel. Can't expect to keep your beautiful plant if you don't water it, right?