What am I going to do?

What am I going to do? I ask myself that everyday. I have had major depressive disorder as long as I can remember and I'm 28 now. I had a therapist about 14 years ago and it was no help. I have been on 5 anti depressants in my life and have never noticed any change. I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I'm not good enough. I have had 2 real girl friends in my life and love them more then anything yet they both wound up leaving me. And guess what? Both of them had the same reason. Your such a great guy and you did nothing wrong I just don't love you anymore. I really do not have any friends but one. The rest of the people I talk to are just acquaintances at work. I go to work come home to nothing. I have had a drug/alcohol problem in my life. Not so much alcohol anymore however I have been back and forth with opiate dependence. The depression is not caused by that as I have had it long before I touched anything. I'm just so tired. I do not feel alone and worthless,I am alone and worthless. There is a reason I don't have friends. There is a reason I'm not good enough for anyone. I have had thoughts of suicide for quite sometime now. I think they are getting worse. I mean this is how I have been for so long. I just can't keep dealing with everything anymore. How long can one take being alone? How long can one keep listening to them selves say they are worthless and not good enough? I have tried for help. I had the one therapist years ago and I just stopped going to one about 4 months ago after going to her for a year. I just dont think telling them my problems and have them shake there head and say it will be ok everything will work out here is pills it's going to solve anything. I don't know what will. I actually believe it is just how Iam and I can't change who I am. I think Im the most ugly person on earth,but I don't know why? I don't think there is anything physically wrong with me. I just feel that way. And in 15 years you only have two girlfriends. Every girl I show intreats in says the same thing. I just want to be friends and they all say how great of a guy i am. But there is still clearly something wrong with me. I'm just not good enough for this world anymore. I'm sick of hating myself. I'm sick of asking myself why. I sick of struggling. I'm sick of crying. Im sick of not being able to look at myself. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of feeling like I'm being punished. I just can't help it and I can't get the thoughts of suicide out of my head. I have thought about jumping from the cheasapeake bay bridge but I don't think I could do that. I have thought about just taking so much heroin/cocaine and oxycodone that theres now way I will even make it to pull the needle out of me. I have thought of just using my glock and putting it to my head or heart and being done with it all. I can't get the thought of that and somebody finding my body on the floor out of my head. And you know just thinking of the fact that I am so pathetic that I would actually consider one of those methods to end my life makes me feel even worse. And the only people who would truly care if I did are my mom and dad and no of course not I would not want to do that to them. But I can not live with the thought of my life being like this forever and at least they would know that I'm not suffering anymore. At this moment I'm not in danger. I think I do feel somewhat better for being able to get all this out of me. I just don't know I really don't. But I refuse to suffer for the rest of my life. I refuse to be depressed,sad,worthless,not good enough,alone and just feel like a piece of **** my whole life. I just can't. I just don't know

Hi ~ First you ARE NOT worthless, and you were put here for a reason, and it was NOT just to take up space. It's up to us to find out what that reason was. Sometimes it takes years to find the reason for our being, but there IS one.

You said you have tried 5 antidepressants, but none worked. Did you know that it takes 6 WEEKS for these to take effect?? Did you take ANY of them that long to see if they were going to work?? You will NOT feel the effects before that -- you must wait unfortunately. Very seldom will they work before that time. Some say 3-6 wks, but it almost ALWAYS ends up 6 weeks. I've taken many different kinds in the 35 years I've been on antidepressants, so I think I know that I'm talking about. LOL I've been depressed since I was a little kid.

Like me, you've got a dilly of a case of depression. I have to take meds twice a day for mine. You might need higher dosage too but your doc will have to decide that.

I wish you'd try therapy AND an antidepressant again. The combination WILL work!! In therapy, you've got to be willing to delve into the painful stuff that you've stashed away in the deepest parts of your mind. You've got to dig those things out, and lay them on the table for the therapist to see. Maybe you've done that, but they haven't fully been dealt with. I still think you have more hidden away that you're not talking about.

Talk to your doctor again about getting back on meds. Then get back into therapy. You DESERVE to be well and you CAN be well. You can have a good, worthwhile life -- please get the help you need! God bless you and take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

I'm glad you posted on here, and I do believe it can get better. I am a 42 year old guy and have had depression and anxiety since at least the age of 14. I think it does, as Leed said, take our full effort. Which is not to say you haven't been trying. But I have found in therapy that if I am not completely honest I am just BSing and I don't really get much out of it. I have needed to delve into the most painful parts of my life to find relief, to talk about the things that I'd really rather not talk about. And I, too, have needed to stay on antidepressants to keep from becoming depressed again. I hope you are able to find support here, and that you start to feel better. Thanks for posting!

Thanks for sharing all that. I think its good that we put things out there whether thru a journal we write every day, or posting here. Sometimes we see by what we write a possible solution. Sometimes, in looking back we see we are having one louzy day or week. Depression colors everything, and makes our world seem bleak. Remember its the darn depression talking, and not the world or our life. We have an illness. We are not our illness!
I have been very lucky that every med I took worked. I have been on two anti-depressants in 22 years...prozac and then effexor. My prozac lasted 10 years and the rest has been years on effexor. I keep waiting for effexor to run its course but it has not.
I know though that I have a lot of tools to handle my depression. That just comes from years of experience. I do know that I went to al-anon for a long while and I think their slogans, their philosophy etc really helped me to live a normal life

I thinkl like you, that I was depressed way back..definately in my teens but back then there were not too many meds and I actually never knew I was depressed. I just thought everyone felt that way. It was not until prozac that I realized happiness.

It has not been easy all these years but I put one foot in front of the other and I wanted to live. I married, spouse died, I remarried, got divorced, had three kids, two with serious alcohol and drug issues and one dx. as bi-polar....thanks to great genes I guess...

I wanted to give up many, many, times. I was really tired sometimes. Thank God I kept on. I'm happy now and busy. I was a caseworker for the State of Florida and then retired. I don't have a lot of money but I always put my mental health first!!!!!

Hang in there.....I always loved this quote...."Don't give up before the miracle happens."

Thinking of you!!
Dee

I thank you two for replying,that does mean something to me. If I had time to type my story I would,just have to get up to early for work. I will say that I did give the anti depressants time to work but I still feel they did not work. Maybe because subconsciously I did not want or did not think they would work? Maybe idk. Will I say I was totally open and honest with my therapist? No I probably was not. But I can't just open up to somebody you know? The last one I had, I had for a year plenty of time to get to know her right? I would think so but I got the feeling she was only there cause it was her job. I would tell her how I feel and my problems and I would get from her is did you tell the doctor? Maybe the doctor will try you on someone else. Or I would get from her,everything will get better. And just giving me those responses all the time will prevent me from opening up. But I guess I will need to find a new one. Iam desperate for help. I hate feeling like this. I hate looking at myself. It like I just hate everything. Sometimes I say,gezz man just f****** end it how much longer can you hurt? I do believe my two daughters are the hope that I have that is keeping me alive,I think. Idk I will have to do something. I can't keep feeling like this. This can't be all there is to life. But I have to say,nothing,nothing is worse then coming home to a house that was bought for you and your fiancé to raise your kids,coming home everyday to nothing. Waking up everyday nothing. No friends. And I mean no friends. Work,my home and me that's it. I see my kids once every like 2 weeks that's it. It even makes me feel worse to know that I talk to myself more then anyone else because there is no one else

I'm sorry. I thank you three!!!!!

I'm sorry your experience with that therapist wasn't a more positive one, but please don't give up on therapy itself. The right person can really make a difference!

I would agree with mommilady. It sounds like your therapist was fairly distant and detached? Perhaps you need someone a bit more emotionally available or empathetic? Either way, it sounds like you haven't found the right fit. Hang in there and feel free to message me any time if you want to talk. Thanks so much for posting, I know that's hard when you feel so horrible.