I am very down on myself.

If only I was more hopeful, then maybe I wouldn't feel like such garbage for being the type to bring everyone else down with my problems. I mean I notice a pattern of I'm really feeling hopeless and depressed but unless I am willing to talk about recovery or whatever people just give up with even attempting to be supportive. Its like 'we understand your depressed but if you're not still positive or making your best effort to think positively then go be depressed and hopeless alone, nothing else to say to you.'

I just don't know, I guess I just wish I wasn't so off putting to people when I need a little support the most. Because being totally alone in my pain really sucks. If I could just be a little less annoying, a bit less sensitive and just quit being depressed I feel maybe I'd get more tolerance from people. *waits for this to fall to the bottom of the page with no veiws since I hope not to bore anyone with this*

People (the ones I know anyway) they like to help, be supportive, part of the solution. So maybe they feel helpless when you express feeling hopeless... It's not an easy position to be in. I had zero contact with my friends for an entire year bcoz of just that.

Well whatever it is, it sucks to be on the receiving end of it. I mean I will probably have to talk to him just to make sure, but my one friend might not be fed up with me yet.

I dunno if you have depression or ....

If a person is depress, it's not like they choose to. It's not like if they want to be positive, then they will be positive. Otherwise, there is no need to take anti-depressant, even doesn't need the invention or anti-depressant.

i don't show I am depress when I am in the public. I don't reveal myself. I only tell people who I think will understand. And I only go to people who I think will understand.

Are you seeing a therapist ?

I know I have depression, and its certainly not my choice..it just seems like so many people don't get that. I am not seeing a therapist, but tommorrow I am going to inquire about mental health services in my area. Maybe I can get one, depends on if any offer their services with no fee.

It's hard when you just want people to listen but they want to be active, or want you to be active, about changing things. I'm not expressing this right but even my husband, who knows about my depression and is usually very supportive, will sometimes reach the point where he can't stand to hear it from me anymore. I think it actually hurts him that I am hurting and there's not much he can do to "fix" it.

Yeah its the when people can't stand to hear it anymore I am afraid of, but then if I go around pretending everything is alright...that makes me feel lonely to. I have to admit though sometimes I do avoid people just to keep from ruining their day with my gloom. hmm it will be interesting to see if I have this effect on therapists as well.

I guess I am not sure why exactly, but I just cant shake the feeling that I am indeed totally worthless and mostly only make peoples lives harder.

Hellion i understand you completely. I am very negative and i guess thats part of my depression plus my mother was negative and i just took after her i guess. But i realized that people seemed put off by my attitude as well. They wanted to be positive and help and offer suggestions and i would not be receptive to them and they would get annoyed and stop calling. I stopped reaching out to people because i didn't want to bring anyone down and i told people thats the reason they are not hearing from me. I felt like i had to put a fake smile on and act like everything was fine and i felt hurt that i couldnt tell the people i felt close to what i was really feeling for fear of turning them off. I don't have answers for you but i wanted to tell you i get it and to come to sites like this where people may be better able to understand you and sympathize. I stopped telling people anything because they made me feel worse. Hang in there.

Your not worthless either. I feel that way but i have to tell myself i'm not worthless, we were put here for some reason. I don't know what it is but i don't think anybody is worthless. We have had some hard times thats all. We need to be understood and helped. Hang in there.

I don't know I guess I just don't see what good my existence does anyone...and I feel kind of pathetic for hardly being able to handle any stress at all. But yeah I called this mental health center, they said I could come in whenever for the initial appointment, so I will probably give it a try. I am just worried my pessimism would even scare mental health professionals or therapists away. Not sure how I would handle that.

I think I have a pretty good indication that I must be right, figured it was true. But I'll see how the therapy appointment goes