[dexter]

I guess I am going on 3 months now of depression so bad that i have been unable to work or function. and each day is still a huge constant struggle to get through.

i'm still trying very hard. i am taking all my meds correctly. i try to get out, try to get small things accomplished at home. instead of being able to accomplish a little bit more each day, i've accomplished very little and have had to lower my goals every day so that i don't just get frustrated and give up.

i am still trying to get to the support groups. i hope to keep going regularly twice a week. most of the time the only thing keeping me going is looking forward to the next group. however that just makes me feel like i am treading water and not getting any better. i certainly don't want "barely surviving" this way to be the norm for the rest of my life.

each day the extreme emotional pain is with me all day long for as long as i am awake. the physical pain from my poor health just adds aggravation and sometimes keeps me from sleeping so that i am just ridden with both pains. and the growing realization that i have to deal with this on my own in terms of family or friends in the real world makes it harder and harder.

my next group is tuesday and i have a doc appt on thursday. the tuesday group is a new one that i have not attended yet but i hope i will like it enough to want to attend regularly.

i've also been crying a real lot lately. some good crying but some bad. "letting it out" doesn't always feel like a release here because it makes me wish so much more that i had someone here with me just to understand and love me.

--The world is what we make of it--
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[krzyk101]

Dexter,
I havn't been feeling too well emotionally or physically either. As I sit here reading posts trying to make some kind of understanding of all my problems, it helps to know there are others out there who can understand, not the kind of understanding that of my T who has learned obout all this in a textbook, but that of people who are or have experienced these things in thier own lives.

I can so much understand the health issues, especially the pain issue. People tell me "your young, get out and live life"
They just dont understand my limitations, I cant climb stairs easily if at all, I have trouble with the artritis in my spine neck and shoulders. Just keeping my apartment picked up is a daily challenge. Little things like vacuuming, and doing dishes I look at as major accomplishments. But on days like today, when I have taken all the meds and I am in so much physical pain, I get frustrated, more emotionally drained. I have forgotten what it is to not be in pain all the time. The only relief I get is sleep as well, when I am able. I guess i'm the one cryin' now sorry.

I am glad you have support groups you can attend. I have to rely on the forums as there are no supports in my area that I know of.

Hope you get to feeling better,
Peace, Chris
"

KRZYKRIS

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[Sam]

Hello Dexter and welcome to the forums,

I think, this is my first reply to one of your posts. I wanted to reply several times to a couple of them, but for the life of me, wasn't sure what I could say to help.

I've finally figure it out tho, and wanted to tell you to hang in there and keep fighting the good fight. Please, don't ever give up, and I think you will make it out of the darkness that surrounds you now.

I can do that, because in the time I've read your posts and replies to others it is clear you are a fighter and committed to wining this bout with depression. It's a tricky beast, for it has such a way of attacking us at out weakest places.

You're a nice person willing to help as much, if not more than to receive help. And one thing I've learned - the more one is willing to reach out to others, the more they reach back.

Take care of you friend, (((((HUGS)))))

And Chris? I think this applies to you to - so hang in there, ok?

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

[Duchess]

((((((((((((((((((((((ONE~HUGE~HUG~4~DEXTER))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
"i certainly don't want "barely surviving" this way to be the norm for the rest of my life." I can only say that within time things will get better. you are dealing with alot dexter and my heart goes out to you.I think that going to meetings, taking your meds and breathing some fresh air are all points for your road back to recovery. although we all wish it would simply just go away it will take time. and within time things should get better. there are times when you feel you have gotten so far along within your recovery, only to have the simplest things bring you 20X steps back. It has been a constant battle with Depression since I was 14, Two years ago was my down fall and now I'm just trying to find ways to better myself. although no one is perfect. I know there will be a better tommorow. that's all you have to worry about today.. take it day by day.
I happen to think you are a very intelligent man your words are very positive and intellectual. like I said before I'm sure within time you will have that shoulder to cry on.

When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth & love have always won. there have been tyrants & murderers, and for a time they can be invincible, but in the end they always fall.
think of it... always.
Mohandas Gandhi...

[dexter]

Thank you again everyone for your replies.

Yes I have been fighting this very hard and I have been committed to trying to get through this. Things just seem so much more complicated since I got out of the hospital. Before then at least I was still at work and handling my finances. Now after finally asking for help from the people around me and discovering that their wishes and promises were for the most part empty I don't know how much longer I want to continue trying to fight this knowing that I am doing so on my own with no support in the real world. And the idea that if I do succeed I will be in a new world where my ideas that my friends were so important to me have all been shattered.

Believe me I have done A LOT for my friends over the years and I never expected anything in return. And I don't feel like anyone owes me anything. But I do believe (at least I used to) in the idea of Karma and I always thought that if I ever needed anything that people would be here to help me. Not necessarily the same people that I had made specific sacrifices for, but that my network of friends would come through and the universe would provide what I need. That has all been blatantly shattered, as I find myself alone even after I've pulled up my bootstraps and made an effort to let people in and stop isolating myself. Not only is no one around but the people who made specific promises to be here for me all now can't be bothered now that I really need them. I'm not sure if this is the world I want to live in whether I am depressed or not. And especially in the state I am currently in I don't feel as if I have the strength within me to just drop my expectations and be happy with who I am even if I am alone. This is all such a 180 degree change for me it is very jarring to think about, because I used to love being on my own whenever the opportunity arose, but it is different choosing to be alone and choosing to ask for help and being denied.

--The world is what we make of it--
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>