[rcrss5]

I have been in a bad place for the last three days, the psychological pain is unbearable and I have been over using my ativan to get through my miseralbe life. I want to die but I cannot because of my kids but I keep having more and more ideation. I feel so angry especially when am driving, something is changing within me and I don't know what to do. I need to escape this pain within my head. I am saddened because I am not available for my children except for the basics which is like torture (feeding them, laundry ect.) sometimes I just lay on my bed or couch and cannot move. my head and psyche are making my head want to explode. Summer is coming and the kids will be out of school and I don't know if I will be able to handle it. I just don't know what to do. My kids are so special to me and I love them, but I am going through life robotically. I don't even feel like I am part of this world. I am starting to think my kids will better off without me.I look in their and I cry, I look at past pictures and cry, I cry all the time a matter of fact. I feel so guilty about being a bad mother, I am probably traumatizing them with the state I am in. I used to be able to hide it or wait until they were asleep, but I can't do it any more. Life does suck, everything goes wrong for me. I feel that I am cursed. I have no one to give me a break for awhile even a couple of hours. Sure my mother watches my 2 year old when I have an appointment but never just for me. All that is left of me is a shell, I have stopped eating, I have not one enjoyment, I cant help my kids with homework, I serve frozen meals and have actually thrown dishes out because I cant get motivated to clean them. what am i going to do, I am stuck within myself- I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate my personality, and I hate that I cant be the good mother I once was. I try to harm myself to take away the pain but it is only temporary.. My kids want me but I cant be there for them and they get angry and say I am mean or don't love. I can't stand it.

[rcrss5]

Why does no one answer, I need help.

[Leed]

Can you get help? Can you see a therapist? You NEED one and now! Please call someone.

If you can't afford one, PLEASE call a crisis hotline! You MUST talk to a trained specialist and soon. You are a special person, and you can be helped. I have felt JUST LIKE YOU before, but I got help.

Do NOT harm yourself. Things are never as bad as they seem. It is our minds telling us this. YOu need a break. Can your mother take the kids for a while? Tell her what is going on, please!! She loves you and will help you! You need some time to yourself!

Please call the hot line in your area! I beg you. And let us know how you are afterwards,ok? God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Leed]

Here's a Crisis number to call: 1-800-273-8255 PLEASE CALL IT!!!

It's no charge to you!! PLEASE CALL IT OK?? Love Lee

[Leed]

Are you OK? Did you call a hot line or talk to anyone? PLEASE let us know how you are, ok? I'm worried about you. Hugs, Lee

[rcrss5]

I am supposed to see psychiatrist on Monday, I have been waiting over a month for the appointment. Because I have medicare I have to see him first or I would have already been talking with a therapist. I have to go to this mental health clinic that I do not want to go to, I don't trust them.I have five kids and I don't want them to take them away from me. I have had major depression, but this time it is different. I am in pain, psychological pain my primary doctor has me on wellbutrin, celexa, and ativan. I don't know how to get through the pain, I cannot talk to anyone. My mother is on my case telling me I am acting funny and my poor kids, I cant get my house organized or meals prepared for them. I really don't how much longer I can hold on. My exhusband is coming in two weeks but that is like waiting for an eternity, and I am not looking forward to him coming but he can help with the kids. thanks for listening.

[Leed]

I'm SO glad you posted! I've been worried about you. Your mother doesn't seem to sympathetic. Does she understand what's going on with you? By saying that you're "acting funny" it sounds like she doesn't quite "get it." Can you tell her MORE, or would she just dismiss you? I know some people can be critical of mental illnesses, and don't really believe in them -- they think we just have to "pull up our boot straps" and get on with it. HA! If only it were that simple!

I AM glad that you're seeing your doctor on Monday, but i don't think you have to worry about them taking your children. Your husband is available - if necessary, he can care for them TEMPORARILY until you're better able, IF that becomes an issue. But I doubt it will be. Don't project. Just worry about a day at a time, as that's all we're given. In fact, when I'm having a really bad time, I take it a minute at a time.

Thanks for posting -- I feel much better. I know YOU dont, but I was worried about you. Please keep us informed on how you're doing, will you? I'll be interested in what your doc says on Monday. God bless and PLEASE take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[FacingChains]

Originally Posted by rcrss5

I am supposed to see psychiatrist on Monday, I have been waiting over a month for the appointment. Because I have medicare I have to see him first or I would have already been talking with a therapist. I have to go to this mental health clinic that I do not want to go to, I don't trust them.I have five kids and I don't want them to take them away from me. I have had major depression, but this time it is different. I am in pain, psychological pain my primary doctor has me on wellbutrin, celexa, and ativan. I don't know how to get through the pain, I cannot talk to anyone. My mother is on my case telling me I am acting funny and my poor kids, I cant get my house organized or meals prepared for them. I really don't how much longer I can hold on. My exhusband is coming in two weeks but that is like waiting for an eternity, and I am not looking forward to him coming but he can help with the kids. thanks for listening.

You have got to hold on for one more day. Every day is just one day you have to find a way to hold on until the right person materializes that can help you help yourself and it will happen and you HAVE to help yourself look for this person even if it means calling 911 because you are no good to your children dead and they will blame themselves FOREVER if you die. Take it day by day until your ex comes and make a serious plan now to help yourself once he gets there. This is very serious, so if you should feel better, you need to make the plan anyway because it sounds like you have very serious depression. I recognize what you are going through and it is time to be very serious about your condition. I wish you the very best. One day at a time. I am so sorry that your head hurts. I know your are in pain. Take one day at a time. This will not last forever. Call the numbers you were given. You have to reach out to healthy people for support and to get well. Just because these people you do not trust are all you have now doesnt mean you are locked into having them as your doctors forever. This isnt necessarily a black and white situation...there is room for things to slightly and slowly improve over time. Do not be so fatalistic.I had a splitting headache for the last four days. It is gone today. Why? I do not know. FacingChains. ( I have medicaire. It took me a long time to find a good doc but i finally did. You must have FAITH) .

[rcrss5]

I am trying to hold on wih each day bu it is getting ubearable,I have to wait for my ex to get here because I do not want my family of get my kids. It is so hard because my house is a wreck and I can't manage to make them decent meals. I am so unmotivated I just lay and sit and one place like stone. I drive around alot in my van but I have thoughts of attempting some kind of risky before (when I am alone of course) I feel like such a failure and so useless I feel like I am taking up space that could be used for a better person. I have been thinking about finding better parents for my kids. I appear so week to them and i know they know something is going on. I have been taking about 3-4 ativans at a time to numb my mind, but then I become tired. I asked my doctor for adderell or something like it so I can at least get house work done and focus on one thing at a time opposed to a thousand things. Of course I have other issues that I am dealing with. thanks for listening. I just can't live with myself because my decisions have caused them to stuggle with issues little kids should'nt have to deal with. I really want to die but I can't.