[dexter]

Just need to vent... so frustrated that everyone who promised to help me has disappeared. They're all "thinking of me all the time" but can't return my calls or visit when they promise. no family of course either, i;m on my own emotionally, financially, physically...

I can't stand being here for days at a time with no human contact. I can't get out much but I've been going to support groups twice a week. tomorrow is my first visit with new doctor.

with the holidays it all feels so much worse, no one to share anything with. but when the holidays are over its not going to be any better because i'm going to feel like last year, missing yet another holiday season.

if i can survive this depression what am i going to do once i'm free of it? there's no one that i even want to be around anymore, don't trust anyone anymore, don't care about anyone anymore. whatever comes out of the fog if i survive this sure as hell won't be me. don't want to find new friends just be be screwed by a new set of people. couldn't even get out enough even if i wanted to. maybe i can find new friends in the gunk under my fridge. but i can't bend down very well anymore either so they'll have to come out and find me.

going to try to get some sleep so i can get up early for the doctor.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[krzyk101]

Hi Dexter,

Sorry to hear you are feeling so "alone" and I hope you get feeling better, maybe this new doc will help. I am somewhat in the same boat. I want friends, but anyone I havent talked to for awhile calls and automatically I turn in to special agent detective, and my first thought is what do they want from me. I have trust issues, I dont really trust anyone. I am alone alot, well almost always. Sometimes I pick up the phone just to see if there is a dial tone. I just feel so stuck in life right now. It doesn't seem like Christmas it just seems to be another dreaded winter season to get through. I guess I dont have any advice, except to keep coming here to the forums. This is practicly my only thing to get me through the days and nights. It helps ease my overwhelming disfunctional life or existance.

Take care, Chris

KRZYKRIS

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[forgoten]

Dear Dave,

I wish I could find some words to help you. I have noticed since you are here that you are very kind, you give a lot of support. If you had a close friend, that person would sure be lucky to have you around.

Take good care ok (((((((((((((((((Dave))))))))))))))))

forgoten

[kvinneakt]

do you work, as is have a job?

I think sometimes you can engineer yourself into socializing by committing to a class or something else that takes you into other people's realms for at least a little bit.

I am not much of a church goer, but there was one period where that was all I lived for. I was not even a member, and did not talk to anyone there, but the planning for it and doing it was very helpful.

The reason I asked about a job was about your having time to take a class. Anything might be good. Not just acedemic stuff. Stained glass, or creating web pages, anything that might have had the smallest of intrigue for you.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[soscared]

HI Dexter
I am so sorry to hear that you are so alone, I can't imagine how you could be.
The posts I have read from you are so wonderful and helpful.
I personally thought WOW what a nice and smart person to have here with us, You are so great with words.
As far as I can see it, anyone who can't see that you have a lot to offer are people who you really don't need in your life right now anyway, they are not your true friends.
You will find true friends, trust me it can be hard, but there is always someone who you might least expect, just around the corner.
When you feel so down it Is harder to find them. So I really hope you start feeling better soon.
It is good that you are able to realize that these so called friends are not true now, because it will help you in the future to see others for what they are, being sincere or not.
I feel lioke I am rambling on wish I could do more to help you.
I am glad you were able to post this here because I know that when I feel real bad I can't even do that I fell like who really cares anyway, so good for you.
Maybe you could try and do somthing with the talents you have,( ie your photography writing skills etc.)
Anyway keep posting, you are an INSPIRATION!!!!!
Take care and know that you have friends here.

[LMo]

Hey Dexter - for what it's worth, we're ALL alone when it comes down to it. When my boyfriend is really depressed, he's almost disabled. I can't count on him to even get out of bed when he's feeling bad, let alone listen to MY problems or help ME with stuff that we both need to do to get by (such as laundry, errands, etc -- all the stuff that he has time to do since he doesn't work and I don't because I work extra hours to compensate for his lack of income). I'm on my own emotionally, financially, physically too -- and have to do 2 people's work instead of just my own. Neither my family nor his understands how bad it is.

So I hear ya. It sucks. But we need to press on. The only person you can really count on is yourself. That's not a bad realization, either....

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[dexter]

Doctor changed my meds again yesterday, I'm back on zoloft again and already somewhat nauseas from it, but last time that subsided with time so i will hold out to see if it is of any benefit.

kvinneakt I have been thinking of taking some courses and possibly getting some assistance from a vocational rehabilitation program. Right now though I'm still having too much difficulty just getting through the day. And problems with concentration. There are times that I can read or do stuff but not predictable. That's one of my fears about the possibility of finding a new job, I an afraid of an inablitily to commit to regular hours, not just because of the depression but also the arthritis and colitis. for the last year or so at my job my boss was very understanding and i worked very irregular hours... sometimes would come in very early and often would leave early in the day, and also work at home to catch up on stuff i couldn't finish at the workplace. i would feel very uncomfortable taking such "liberties" with a new employer. I would love to find something that i could do on my own from home but because of the depression i have a very hard time thinking of something that i could do that would be worth something to others.

LMo thankyou for the reply. one thing about me is that i have always been very self sufficient. i've always considered that a positive character trait and really sort of my "philosophy of life" i think what i am regretful for now is that in the past, i always did things for myself (including helping others, i always did that because it made me feel like a positive member of society and a good friend) and i back up that philosophy with actions, often going on trips by myself or to movies or dining on my own or spending holidays alone. but for the most part i always felt like i had a lot of people around me even when i was alone. i think my "philosophy" made me a lot of trusting friends and i was often surrounded by loving people, lots of positive energy, lots of hugs, etc.

my biggest loss is taht i feel like in a quick turn i have completely lost all of that. lost both the contact with people on the occasions that i wanted it, and lost the ability to just be happy on my own. i would love the opportunity to just have people around to argue with. or family to complain about after a horrible get-together. i really can't stand not seeing anyone and not having a hug just once in a while. and although i really do believe it is unhealthy to go without hugs for so long, i am also angry with myself for suddenly becoming so "judgemental" of my friends and for imposing "expectations" on them as i never have before.

it feels like a very deep hole that i can't get out of. (as if that was a unique feeling for someone suffereing depression )

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[LMo]

Sorry Dexter - I was in a bad mood yesterday when I replied to this. I don't think I was very supportive - sorry. I have been reading your posts and know that you are a very giving person -- and it really sucks to not be able to get it back when you really need it. I know the feeling you are describing -- when I was divorced, true friends seemed to disappear into the woodwork. So I do feel your pain and all I can say is that your true friends have left some openings for new ones. I'd like to say that it DOES get better, but in my case, what has really happened is that I have grown to expect less of people. Easier than getting hurt again.

Maybe I'm still in a bad mood. Anyway, I should be working right now so I will stop. I'd like to talk to you more, though - you seem very interesting.

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[kvinneakt]

Dexter, are you able to consider some volunteer work? It would be hard for them to turn down the efforts of a non-paid worker. It comes to mind that a great place to get unconditional love and be of service as a needed volunteer would be at your local animal shelter. They need folks around the clock and many of the regulars would surely appreciate some time off for holiday activities.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>