[lost_as_always]

i have been trying to post this for 2 hours, i keep rewriting it, like for a test. well here i am again lost as always. instead or redoing this i am just going to go with it otherwise i will never do it. i dont know were to being i have 13years to account for i havent be really alive in so long i have forgoten what it is like,i dont feel much anymore other than angry,guilt,and rarely fear.its like some cruise control on emotions. i am not really driveing. i know i need help, but cant ask for it or try to get it. all i have left is that i have been and still am strong. i think this comes from the fact that i didnt get help for the cutting(i am over that now), the suicides(i am over that now as well).for the nightmares that caused me to stay awake as long as i could(over that as well). its hard to say but i dont like the idea of meds, kinda like this is me, and if i take this am i still me? so after all this here i am, lost. i sleep to much(10 to 15 hours a day). dislike my family(dont know why but i cant be me around them). have troubles keeping a job(cant get up in time big duh there huh). and just , well dont care anymore. i have big gaps in the memory of my childhood(real pain too cuz i try and try to remember). every thing i say has this morbid twist to it(no idea why or how it happens like that). a few of my freinds think i am a sociopath(dont really like that idea). dont like being alone(but dont like being with people lol). cant have a relationship. they think i am cold and uncaring(cant say if i am or not). cuss way to much (make a sailor ashamed to listen). hell even when i try to be help(and i would so like to be) it just doesnt sound right to me .... so i delete the post before i post it. when i was younger i didnt mind that people thought i was scarey or mean. but now that sterotype is taged on me it is hard to change. even this post here makes me thinking i am just whinning, that i should suck it up and more on. but i told myself to do it. kinda at lose here, i know i want to say more but(god i hate that word sometimes "but"). i have a unfounded hate for church and orgenized religion.(i think its cuz it did my mother no good). i hate my father so much i keep track of the money he owes me lol($13,784.00). i once got so mad at a freind i didnt talked to her for a year ... even tho she lived with me for 4 months of that year(how wrong is that). these thing are wrong, at least moraly i dont feel wrong emotionly. but that speedo has been broken for awhile. i need a good swift kick to the butt, just dont know if thats enough anymore. i just dont think i am a good person in anyway. oh i do the nice things but not for being nice, cuz i dont wanna hear people whinning to me later. like some kind of wolf in sheeps skin who is to lazy to truly hunt. i keep a personal list of all time greatest screw up. sleeping for 27 hours straight. sleeping with my freinds wife(oh man i still am not happy about that one). scars, to many to count. and others that i am not ready to share. now i am sitting here asking myself why did say not ready to share( some sercerts i still need to keep. i work so damn hard to be human, but its a act there in the back of my head i am thinking that no say this or say that, but dont say what i want too..... had to read this again , i want to delete it so bad, this thought of you dont know these people and its not there problem are screaming at me. maybe if i just edit it a .. little. no i dont think i am going to be happy with this. oh well, there is more but this post is so big already. i am going to go for broke, kinda the way i work these days, i toke the quizzes a few days ago(maybe i shouldnt have lol) i would have felt better if it was my s.a.t. score. but its not like i needed then to tell i am in bad shape. i know it. its refreshing to do this i must say. i am not scared that it might offend people and alienate me from them(i should be tho right?). its just like a big fat TA DA. man i really dont even know if this forum was a good idea or bad(i was kinda cozy in my little black hole, not the best of ideas to turn ona light and inspect the monsters in with you). the more i read the more i think. for good or bad, there is some comfort in it tho(good idea on your part DOC.)i got a new favorite saying i have been useing alot "i hate this planet!" i am not sure how i got it, but it sums up alot of thing i could say, into a bite that people can handle.(the war for deleteing this contines). oh ya drugs (not a addicte anymore clean for a long time). my spelling ya i know it bites but i work on it every day(yes i read and write just fine, just cant spell to save my life).i am to selfish, thinking of other people is alien to me.(couse me no end of trouble. i was so paranoid of being insane i whent and looked up alot of info for it. came up with lyssaphobic(means fear of going insane). dont really think i have that but it stuck a real selfdout thing for me, brought up this whole wollying is self pity issue and hypoconddra(spelled phonic to lazy to look it up means always thinking you are sick). my grandma is like that (oh how i hate her). so thats makes me think i am a sympaty *****(sorry if thats a bad word). i cant even deal with that one if this is all some evil plot cooked up be myself to get sympathy(that would be a breaking point talking strayjackets and lots of meds). guilt. oh the guilt of writeing this like you people need to hear more depressing crap from someone you dont even know. this whole post is going to sound like rammblings of a madman lol. and then the other douts... even if i do get help how do i pay for it. go on disablity? i have alot to say to that, first off cant deal with it, i whent homeless before asked for money to help out from family. i wont go on welfare(ever).oh and i paid that money back(feel i have to say that). i know there are people that need it... but not me it would be like admiting defeat. the thought is so embarssing. (i know that some people on this forum are on it and they need it to live and if they read this i want them to know thats i am saying this in regards to me and only me not that they are any less a person for being on it). and the other thing what if i go to a therapist and he/she tells me" i think you need to stay in a hospital for awhile"(more defeat in my eyes).more guilt, i so want to delete this. i said more in my tell all post than i ever told my family lol(and yes there are some i love or think i love). its 1 am now.. i should have been in bed hours ago, i know that i would just lie there for hours anyway
havent had a normal sleeping habit it 10 years. man saying that makes me feel foolish, like i should have done something back then about it. how did all this start, how did i get to were i am, why me?(that one is like a broken record player) i guess i was never really taught to be human, i got morals(they keep me out of jail) but i am missing so much from a life. i didnt get the childhood i wanted or needed(not that i can remember anyway). i feel helpless like one of the times my father left us. i think my sister is coping better,(i dont know if i hate her,but i dont love her, i try sometimes) i cant really talk to her tho, she remembers things i dont, there it is (my trigger for this post). we had a talk me and her. bout the "good old days" and it brought alot of things to mind, i used to think my father was a good man, now i think i was a fool for ever thinking that.(man dads can do real damage cant they?). thats it i am done. think i am going to go have a extra serving of self pity and try to sleep. oh and sorry if i offend or upset. i dont mean to. and i did edit it ..lol couldnt help myself.

when my ship ran out of fuel i burned the things that made it pretty when i ran out of that i burned the things i loved when i ran out of that i burned willpower to keep me moving. its not a pretty ship but it still moves.

[kvinneakt]

That is quite a stream of consciousness essay!

I managed to get many parts of it. I don't think you are really expecting any specific replies. Just wanted you to know "I got it".

Only one comment, if you put in some white space, a couple hits on the enter key, between thoughts, it makes it much easier for me.


<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[survivor1]

I can relate to some of this stuff too - definitely the sleeping! That is just about all I do when I am experiencing a depressive episode! That's usually my first clue something is wrong - not that I don't normally sleep alot - I do, but when it becomes really excessive like 13 hours a night. I look forward to my bed - it's the only time I can make the world go away and the pain stop.

I really would encourage you to get some help, Lost as always. I also thought it would make me a weaker or lesser person to be on medication. I thought, no, I am strong and independent and can handle anything and survive. But let me tell you, when the medicine kicks in for the first time, that is the best feeling in the entire world. You finally feel "normal" again. It's like the sun coming out on a rainy, dreary day - you can finally see clearly again. You feel as if you're finally out of the hole and that dark, heaviness is not sucking you down anymore. Wouldn't you sacrifice a little pride to relieve yourself of such pain?? Once you are feeling better, I think you will realize it is part of the distorted thinking that accompanies depression to think it is embarassing to ask for help. Once you feel better, you realize you would do it again in a second if it kept you from such pain. I really, truly, understand and this is what I had to deal with recently. I tried so hard to fight it on my own, knowing it was coming back. But, to no avail. I finally had to admit it is a chemical imbalance and I need help - I can't do this on my own.

I'm so sorry you are living in such pain. It can and will get better once you get help, I promise.

[krzyk101]

lost as always,

well you have already addressed all the things I would give advice on. All I can say is the best of Luck to you on your journey through Life.

Bestwishes

KRZYKRIS

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

[lost_as_always]

you know i dont think i have thank you for the replys seems kinda thoughtless. sorry and thank you its nice to hear others imput.

when my ship ran out of fuel i burned the things that made it pretty when i ran out of that i burned the things i loved when i ran out of that i burned willpower to keep me moving. its not a pretty ship but it still moves.

[yokus]

They have mental health clinics that charge you an amount based on your income. I think that you were very brave to come out and share what you are feeling. It sounds like you are way way too hard on yourself though.

I've been on medication for depression most of my life. I remember what it was like when I wasn't though. And it sounds a lot like how you are struggling right now. There's nothing to be ashamed of going on medication. In my case, and maybe yours, it was a chemical imbalance. It lifted me out of that place where I was just wandering around running into walls and hating myself. And the difference is like night and day. When you get on some medication that can help the symptoms of depression than you can finally see more clearly a way to start climbing out of it.

I hope you will consider checking out a psychiatrist and a therapist. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain, but you don't have to keep feeling that way if only you will get some help. It's a long hard road but well worth it in the end. I wish you peace.