Normal Depression is so Strange

So a little about me... I just turned 25 (on the 15th), I'm married (three years), expecting my first child this October. I take Paxil for depression and anxiety, been on it a little under six years now. Before that little miracle pill I was quite suicidal. Since then I'm been smoothed out as best as anyone might expect. Good days, rough days, but no truly Bad days and no deep depression.

I have a decent job and I've actually lost quite a bit of weight over the last year-and-a-half. A lot of life changes happening lately and/or soon, as mentioned above, and while I don't consciously feel that these are bothering me, I'm fully open to the reality this is incorrect.

So, as a conclusion.. I find myself depressed. Not deep, not dangerous, but "normal" in a way that I've never felt before. Depression for me has always been the "I think I'll see how fast I can drive into that brick wall" kind. Regular depression seems very strange. Given my history, it also is a bit unsettling and the longer these feelings last (about 10 days now), the more paranoid I get.

Real problems? Not sure. Some anxiety about having a child, which I imagine is completely normal. My parents didn't bother to get me a birthday card (or if so, didn't manage to mail it in time).. unlike my inlaws, who seem to either care more, or are better organized. Probably the latter - I don't often have issues with my parents, but obviously the situation bugs me.

And while I feel like a jerk saying so, I figure there is little point in avoiding the issues or splitting hairs... there is an intimacy gap in my marriage. Granted she's 4 months pregnant (hence the added guilt over feeling this way), but things weren't much different 5 months ago either.

So there it is... I suppose I'm looking to get this stuff off my chest.. maybe an understanding nod, or maybe I need to be confirmed as a jerk.. truth is truth and I wouldn't expect or ask for anything less.

Thanks for reading...

-CK

Welcome to psychcentral! I would be sure to talk to the doctor about the increase in depression. It could be the anxiety, that the meds just need increasing due to time/tolerance, or both! Don't put it off. Why suffer when you might not have to? Yes, guilt will do that too.

Do you have someone to talk with IRL, a smart friend or even a T? No sense in putting those issues off any longer, either. TC.

I won't see my doctor again until September or so (medication maintenance is all she does). At this point I honestly don't think I need a dosage adjustment.. I also don't want to start throwing higher dosages at what may not be an entirely serious situation. SSRI's don't make one immune to depression, after all, and mine isn't yet to the point where I believe the doctor would suggest an increase (unless I lied about the intensity).

I don't have a therapist, nor am I in a position to afford one. PT hasn't been very effective for me in the past anyway (I'm reluctant to discuss these things in a less anonymous setting, thus the web...)

As for friends... ironically the only one I would feel comfortable talking to also happens to be an individual I am highly attracted to (yay - more guilt!), so that isn't likely to happen unless I want to cause yet more problems.

I'm keeping close watch however.. if things turn further downward, I can certainly re-schedule a closer session and get a med boost if needed. At a current 37.5 mg though, I'm not sure I like that idea much either.

-CK

I'm sorry to hear you feel you are causing your problems. Perhaps so, and perhaps some of what you are trying to gain relief from is the depression. Glad you found PC, I think you will find us a safe spot. Nobody's perfect but we are all trying to be better! Again, welcome.

So a brief update... feeling a bit better at this point. An interview at work for a potential promotion went well (despite spending $200 on a suit), so that at least is off my back. I'm uncharacteristically optimistic about my chances, so that's good enough I suppose.

Still feeling highly irritable though. I expect most of my current angst is due to a uhm... unfilfilled libido, I'll say. Otherwise I have to admit I'm not feeling as bad today as I was last weekend.

Still very strange to be depressed without being suicidal. Who knew?

-CK

I am in "remission" from a very dark and suicidal depression. I still have some horrible days, others are good. There are so many different types of depression and I honestly feel that one does not have to be suicidal to be very or even marginally depressed.

I am glad that it is going a bit better for you. Best wishes and best of luck with that promotion!!

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Sabrina0805 said:
I am in "remission" from a very dark and suicidal depression. I still have some horrible days, others are good. There are so many different types of depression and I honestly feel that one does not have to be suicidal to be very or even marginally depressed.

I am glad that it is going a bit better for you. Best wishes and best of luck with that promotion!!

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I seem to be very much an "all-in" individual. Usually if I'm depressed it is the dark (and dangerous) variety, which is one reason this current bout is so odd for me.

It's good to hear of your remission and hopefully it will stay that way for a long time. And thanks for the luck -I can always use it

-CK