Depression and "clear" thinking about suicide

I am wondering about other's thoughts and experiences with this:

Most often when I am depressed, I am sleepy and foggy brained. I feel ******, and may have suicidal ideation, but sleep suffices.

Then sometimes I feel wide awake, alert, extremely clear headed, AND have suicidal ideation. I believe these are the times of the greatest danger. Suicide seems to be 100% rational. The only thing that stops me is the horrible impact on my family and friends. (BTW, I am NOT in this state now!)

I had an extended period (years) of this state of depression about 15 years ago where I did extensive preparation by documenting everything I was responsible for and teaching it all to my wife. I was getting my finances organized, upping my insurance, basically writing myself out of the world. It was the responsibility to my family that prevented my suicide.

Does this sound familiar to you? How do you deal with it?

I find it frightening that this will recur to me and now that my children are independant, my resolve will not hold up.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

Dear (((Kvinn))): Thoughts are NOT action - just try to remember that, OK? I very much admire your commitment to your loved ones, and your keen awareness of the devastating impact your suicide would have on them. My Mom killed herself and it remains the defining event of MY life. Absolutely nothing is ever the same after that, and the horrer of it is indescribable. Always take care of YOU! Much respect and affection, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

I can really really relate. As a part of my growing depression over the past two years I found myself sleeping more and more, particularly napping on weekends instead of keeping to the plans I had made.

After being released from the hospital I found myself sleeping CONSTANTLY. I kept fighting the urge to get into bed because I know it is not helpful toward getting past the depression. Still I found myself drawn strongly to the bed everyday, and on those days when I was able to fight the urge I then became extremely sleepy so that I was forced into bed anyway, as though my body was sabotaging my attempts to be productive during the day.

I also have several medical illnesses that are likely contributing to the fatigue, but I do believe that the depression is the main cause of this urge.

Recently they switched me to Wellbutrin specifically because it helps raise the energy level. It has helped a lot in that regard. I am finally able to make it through the day without getting back into bed, although I still sleep very long hours each night.

But now I have another problem, that which kvin describes. I often feel so much emotional pain during the day, all day long, and linger on the fact that I am alone here trying to fight this illness, and many days I wish that I could sleep just to relieve the pain for a part of the day, even though I know that for me that will work against my fight to get past this.

Basically for me it is the same as kvin. Being awake for most of the day just affords me more time for suicidal ideation during the day. Most days I just try to get through, watch TV at night, and then get the relief of sleeping when I feel safe to consider it "bedtime" for myself.

I remember reading recently some research on Prozac (that's the med they started me on in the hospital 2 months ago) and discovered that there was some controversy surrounding some statistics that for some people the Prozac actually increased the likelihood of suicide. Much of the explanation seems to present the fact that the medication doesn't cause an increase in suicide, but rather that severely depressed people lack the energy to go through with it. The medication provides some relief from this fatigue as the patient starts to improve. It seems logical to me that there is a "middle ground" in there when the medication begins to work but before the depression is fully (or mostly) relieved.

The Prozac for me did nothing to improve my depression and I was basically sleeping all day and all night. That's why we switched to Lexipro and then Wellbutrin. Right now I try to keep those research readings in mind because I feel that I am right at that point, where the Wellbutrin has given me energy, I am no longer sleeping all day, but yet I am still in a lot of emotional pain only now I get to "experience" it for more hours during the day.

I think this is a very important reason to stay in therapy during the recovery process and really put into place as many coping skills as possible. One of my problems is that I have switched doctors because of my insurance and I find myself going weeks at a time until my next appointment, at least until I get into a regular appointment schedule with my therapist, hopefully once a week. In the meantime I am trying to get to as many support groups as I can and keep posting here just to get me through.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

Me, too. A close friend and a sister have gone by suicide. It is impossible to come to terms with.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

That's true. The greatest suicide risk is not when you are the most severely depressed, but when you are starting to get better and get a bit of energy back. So being monitored during that recovery phase is very important.

The best way to deal with it, I think, is to talk to someone about it. And try to remember the things that you have to live for.

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

You know, when I wrote this, I thought it was just hypothetical. I really did not realize I was writing about myself. How the hell does this [censored] sneak up on you?

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

It sneaks up on you, in my opinion, as your brain stops producing the proper chemicals.

Another opinion of mine, for what it's worth. Any time you think of doing away with yourself, you're not thinking clearly. Period.





Wise men still seek Him.

kv.....

I read with interest your post. I know that most of the time I am a bit in a fog resulting from my ongoing depression. It is difficult to concentrate on anything, let alone a suicide plan. But then there are times that I have had a burst of energy and my head is claer. It is at these times in the past aht I have gotten the most done or made some progress relative to a suicide plan. And, very often at those times there is a sense of peace as I know taht my pain will be over and in many ways a lot of people would be better off.

Like you, I hang on for one reason and one reason only.... my kids. Mine are still younger, and like you if they were older I don't know if I would have the resolve that I do now.

Hang in there.