Thinking about suicide

Hi, I'm not quite sure where to start. I've been in a very weary, and anxious state for almost a year now because of a number of events that have transpired in my life. One thing is that I've fallen in love with my first cousin. I've only seen her a couple of times as we live in separate states. We share alot of things in common, and she states she does love me but, is not sure whether she would want to be with me because of the complications. We're both in our mid 20's and share the same feelings for each other, although her feelings aren't as intense as mine. I love this girl with all my heart, and am really contemplating on commiting suicide if we don't end up together. I want her to be happy so I support what ever decision she makes. I however feel that I won't be able to live with this feeling for her. I'm also experiencing heavy financial loss. It just seems so hard now. Everything that is. I only want to be with this girl. I really love her and feel that I can make her happy. I've asked her to marry me, but she's not sure. I also feel in my heart that loving her is right. I don't know anymore. I know that suicide is not right, but sometimes I feel that commiting suicide will be the easiest solution, especially for me. I just can't live with this wonder and doubt of what it would have been if we were together.

I know that suicide seems like the easy solution right now, but it really is not. Just think of all the grief you will leave behind. I contemplated suicide for some time and I cannot go through with it because of my strong love for my parents. I've planned out the whole scenario in my head hundreds of times, but in the end, I can't imagine not being able to sing my favorite song at the top of my lungs, the exhileration of riding rides at the fair every summer, hugging my parents and telling them I love them, or cuddling up with my kitties and just feeling their tiny heartbeats as they purr in my lap. Just think about other things besides your cousin, what you can live for, things you'll never be able to do again because you won't be there. For a little while, erase bad thoughts and just LIVE. Figure out what it's really for, for the joy of feeling a cooling spring rain on your face, for the joy of playing fetch with your dog, for the pure and simple pleasure of eating a huge ice cream sundae on a hot summer day or drinking a mug of hot chocolate and letting it warm you inside and out while the cold winter blizzard rages outside.

And also, think about getting some outside, professional help. Let someone listen to you pour your heart out and weigh in with their advice and explain to you why you feel like you can't live without your cousin's love.

Just reconsider why you're thinking these thoughts and know that you can get help. I have no doubt that you love your cousin very much, but maybe talking with someone else will help you decide what you are really thinking and feeling inside, not just about her, but about the rest of your life too. I wish the best for you and hope to hear back from you soon.

ranzi

i'm gonna get free

i've thought about suicide for 12 years now. what keeps me from ending it all......is....there are alot of other possible options that i can choose to take that will give me different results.

one option for you is to go talk to a professional. maybe TRY medication to see if that helps. another option is go attend a co-dependency (CODA) self-help group. (or at least read up on co-dependency and how it affects you.)

if you really love this woman, you would not want to hurt her in any way. your death would hurt her. if you cannot "live with this wonder and doubt, " then CHOOSE to quit wondering about it and let it go. some things are beyond your control. you can't MAKE someone love you as much as you love them. believe me, I'VE TRIED!!!!! you deserve someone loving you freely as much as you are able to give, (your equal).

<font color=purple> But a stranger in a strange land, he is no one:
men know him not and to know not is to care not for.
Bram Stoker, Dracula, 1897 </font color=purple>

Thanks for your reply. Basically my mind is torn on whether to commit the act or not. The scary thing for me is that when I do think about commiting suicide, it makes me feel calm and at peace. Part of me, the part that knows it is wrong is quite strong, but I fear that if I reach the stage of depression that I may end up pursuing my thought. Sometimes I think my life is quite cruel. I've got a great job that pays quite well, but at the same time I've been hit with a financial problem (stocks related). So basically I'm working to pay off my debts. At the same time, the girl that I really love ( my heart feels so warm and strong, when I think about her), is my first cousin! We both have strong moral beliefs, and I know that such love is frowned on by society. But I know its not quite a sin, or a crime, its just a matter of principles. I've weighed up the costs of commiting suicide, and at this stage its still in the back of my mind. Whether I commit it or not does depend if I end up marrying the girl that I love, as for me, she is the one. I know that it may sound selfish, but I've never really been selfish before. I've always looked out for my family first, before myself. But this time is different. I know that no amount of counciling can help me. As I have a strong sense of right and wrong. And I've analysed my situation as logically as I can. Basically an individual only has one life, and their outlook and atitude towards their life depends very much on what they focus on. As everything an individual really experiences is just a state of mind. Unfortunately for me, my mind is so warped, that if I focus on something I remain focus on it until it is resolved. Thank you all for responding. At this stage the hope of being with her is what keeping me going.

What I say may or may not help, but I wanted to weigh in with my thoughts.

Would there be a difference as to how she feels about you if the two of you were not cousins? Or would she still not feel as intensely in love with you as you do with her? I guess what I'm getting at is that it's not uncommon for one person to fall in love with another and not have the feelings be mutual. It hurts to be the one in love (or is it ABC News: The Science of Love
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.its.caltech.edu/~sciwrite/2000-01/maq.htm>Chemistry of Love</A> by Christophe Maquestiaux (Caltech)
from <A target="_blank" HREF=http://health.discovery.com>Discovery Health
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.agelesslifestyle.com/page.cfm/633>Infatuation vs. Love</A>

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.empirezine.com/spotlight/frankl/frankl1.htm>Viktor E. Frankl - Biography</A>

I am a survivor of suicide (brother, 12/16/01). You say you love your cousin. If you love her, then please do not change her life forever by killing yourself. I believe that those who suicide do not appreciate the devastating effect this act has on those who love them. I am sure my brother felt that committing suicide would be the easiest solution for him too. And maybe it was. For that moment. Sadly, suicide is a permanent non-solution to any problem. He left parents, siblings, a wife, and many, many friends who are still crying and who always will cry and whose lives will NEVER EVER be the same. Please do not do this to those who love you. Dr. Grohol is a suicide survivor too. Look on this site and read what he has to say on the subject. It is worth reading I assure you. Check out the suicide survivor groups and ask yourself if you want to add to the already too-high number of heartbroken survivors. However bad your life is, taking it will only make the lives of those who loved you a living hell for a long, long, long time.

just wondering how you are doing....(((HUGS))))

<font color=purple> But a stranger in a strange land, he is no one:
men know him not and to know not is to care not for.
Bram Stoker, Dracula, 1897 </font color=purple>