Depression feels like it's my own fault

my depression seems to be caused by me. At least that is how I feel right now based on the feedback I get from the people around me. My wife and I are facing a real challenge at home with our daughter and my boss says that every family has issues. Of course that's true, so I guess that it's my own lack of willpower that's causing me to lose focus, not sleep, and not be able to concentrate.

I'm now in DBT therapy, so my feelings are no longer important there. I am supposed to do things regardless of my feelings. So again, my inability to focus, sleep or concentrate is my own fault because I'm not using skills enough to not let my feelings control me.

My psychiatrist has basically said I'm maxed out on all of my medication and there's nothing that can be done but for me to learn to cope with my feelings (the reason I was urged to do DBT). So again, my inability to cope is my own fault for not having enough willpower.

I have no paid time off and since my wife doesn't work due to the issue with my daughter, I'm stuck working when I feel horrible. I want to snap at people, but I don't. I take out all my energy at work to stay calm. I then ignore my family for the most part and just do things that I know will calm me down. My 4 hour a day commute causes me to get uptight when I get home, so I don't want to talk much.

Posting here isn't really going to help much because I'm not validated by the people that have control over my life. My boss probably doesn't think much of me because I can't cope well - or rather I'm coping very well, but I won't get credit for it. Part of the problem with this is that someone else at work has a physical problem that is devastating. Of course my depression looks and feels stupid next to that.

I need to be around for my family, but I wish I could drive home that having constant thoughts of hurting myself is not fun. I don't have a plan, but the images are there. I can't get rid of them because I'm depressed. I can't be a cheerleader for myself when I can't get my work done and feel like a failure. I once agian post such nonsense.

I can't really do anything but accept that I'm not that important in the world and really just need to suck it up and live. I need money, so work. Pretend to get through somehow and don't get a bad review. I can't live closer to work due to money and no jobs near where I live pay enough for me to live on while my wife doesn't work, so I have to just suck it up and cope.

I guess it's true, my depression is my own fault.

Depression is NOT your fault. It is an illness, like any other illness. I know that because if it was willpower to get over it, then everyone with depression would just choose to get over it. That's NOT the case...

I can't cope well because I have depression. When the depression lifts, I can cope a bit better. I don't have a job that I hate...it's worse for me...I own a business that I despise. I can't just close up shop for a variety of reasons, the least of which is that I need money (not implying that I'd make it without money or have enough to survive without working - on the contrary, this is necessary to keep food on the table)...anyway, I'm rambling...

In summary, depression is not your fault. It is a real illness, just like the person with the physical problems who works with you.

I do hope this gets better for you. I know the feelings of wanting to hurt the self. I have thoughts about that every day, and those thoughts move me to tears...

During your 4 hour commute can you listen to something that's even a little uplifting?

I do wish you well; please know that you are not alone in your struggle. I'm right there too, feeling like it was my dumb-***** decision to open a business that has me in the mess I'm in; and my inability to manage people that keeps me here...

But I know that like all other things, this too shall pass. I don't know what is coming next, but I can envision the day when I'm not stuck so deeply in what I'm doing now.

thank you for replying. I think I like posting here because at least there are people who "Get it" here. What seems to cause my suffering the most is the fighting I'm doing about the fact that I want to be given credit for how hard it is for me to get up and out. I could never handle my own business, but I do have some music that I write that helps me concentrate. It's one reason I can't sleep - I have so little time to work on music that I'll try to stay up to finish something. In the end it's helpful and not helpful because I at least enjoyed something and not helpful for the next day of course.

I listen to music on my commute. I can't read and because I take the train and it has wifi (sometimes) I can sometimes get online with my tablet - I bought it just to help me cope with the train rides. I've come up with some rituals that help me get the right seat in the morning and if I can get out early enough from work at night, I take the extra effort to get on one station earlier so I can get a seat. If I don't, I'm usually stuck standing for about 20 minutes at least on the train - it gets that full.

Other than the train though, there's a shuttle and a subway both of which are not far, but I hate how irregular they are.

This will pass. My emotions come and go - these are my mantras. I find that one helps a lot. I am a manager, so managing people is not easy. It's harder for a business owner, but even in a middle manager/low management position, it is annoying because you have to be nice - people don't respond well to bad moods. There is a whole skillful way to live that's just hard to do.

I'll get through. I just may post things here every once and a while to remind myself that there are people who "get it". People who understand that it's not something I can get out of on my own and not just me being a bad person.

Depression is a chemical inbalance....definately not your fault...and have no one tell you otherwise....yeah just get over it.......right!!!! NOT!!!

Hang in there........we know what depression is and what it isn't!

Depression may be a lot of things, but one thing it is not.....your fault. Warm thoughts and best wishes to you.

Depression isn't your fault. Unfortunately people don't understand depression; one big thing it does is sap all your energy. I think part of the reason is they confuse the temporary feeling of being down which they can snap out of, with the disease. Have you talked to your shrink about ECT? Frankly I will do whatever it takes to climb out of the hole. What works for me is getting active, fast walking. In the meantime try to understand that it's "depression think" that is telling you lies like it's your fault. NOOOOOO.