That's what my boyfriend always says. I'm trying an herb known for helping those with depression. RX meds would be my very very very last resort. I thought it was helping within the first week as I was feeling good. Then, yesterday, we went to the beach, and I had a good day. It filled me with joy because we unknowingly stumbled into a dog beach. To see those little guys in total bliss made me want to cry in happiness.
Later that night though, I realized that he only took me somewhere so he could try to get sex later, as well as play his video game. Well, he didn't get me, but he did play his game. He became violent, and punched my wall because he was losing or something, so I left to take a walk. I came home, and he asked me, "What's your problem? Why are you mad, just because I was playing? I can't do anything........." Then, he starts telling me that I'm always sad, and no one wants to be around a sad person. He tells me that I'm a big whiny baby. I remind him of how angry and sad he was when his dumb wife cheated on him. He thinks it's totally different, and that his feelings should be validated, but not mine. He says I have nothing to be sad about. Well, hey, I'm still sad though, what do you want me to do? I'm a total failure. I'm working part time at a dead end job. Now, I rely on him for half the rent money because my hours were cut. I'm 30, and have tried to go to college multiple times throughout the last 12 years, and have failed at that. I feel like I have no talent or skill or ambition or whatever to ever earn a decent living. I will always be poor and bored. I can't make new friends since my old friend abandoned me 7 years ago. I have 2 people in my family as they all have died from drugs and alcoholic abuse. I'm not lovable. I can't even find a man who will love me! I feel like I will never be able to accomplish a single thing in my life. I feel useless, and like I'm a waste of a human being. I took some vacation time this weekend to pull up cat urine soaked carpet from my mom's house which she only rents. What a vacation! Sure, then I went to the beach yesterday, but I guess that was only a ploy to get me in bed, and if not that to at least let him play his precious game. Suppose I'll give the herb more time, and hopefully my mood will improve so I can try to once again make some changes in my life. I wonder if there is a point though. I always fail, and have to start over.

[regretful]

With the family history of substance abuse and death from that, perhaps you should visit the ACOA forums. It is also good to see that you are not going to give up with the herbal remedy (hopefully it is something useful - just read some things about St. John's wort taking up to 6 weeks to be effective)...

You have some talent at something...everybody does...never give up. People reinvent themselves all the time and at any age.

I'm partially typing this in trying to convince myself...I'll have to reinvent myself at 47 but I'm never giving up, even in the midst of this severe depressive episode...

Keep holding on and know that there are a lot of supportive people on these forums.

[whimsygirl]

Oh Aquarius....I wish more than anything that I could give you a hug right now, and tell you that you ARE worthy of being loved.....BECAUSE YOU ARE. There is so much to your message, I have so many thoughts....it's hard to know where to start, but I want to at least say a few things. From what you say here, clearly your sense of self-esteem has been severely damaged over time, (something I relate to in certain ways)....and I am so very sorry about that. I know how hard it can be, but part of taking care of yourself, and starting on the road to wellness is to remove yourself as much as possible from people who can not, or will not, be kind to you. Even if someone is not able to understand what you go through, they can admit that they don't get it, but still be supportive in any way they can. I'm sorry if it sounds blunt, but your boyfriend's words and actions sound very cruel, and you do NOT deserve to be treated this way. It sounds like he is only adding to all the horrible feelings you are having. By staying in this situation you are reinforcing the idea that you are not worthy of better. YOU ARE!! I know you may not feel that way, but it's just true. Is there something forcing you to live with this person? Why are you so opposed to meds? This is confusing. Depression is such a difficult, overwhelming thing to deal with, to not try everything you possibly can that might help makes no sense to me. Of course you must have your reasons, but still....And last thought for the moment, are you in any kind of therapy?? If you're not I pray that you do that as soon as possible. Please keep us posted on how you're getting along. Sending lots of warm thoughts and hugs your way.....

[Leed]

Sweetie, why are medications a "last resort?" Why are you making yourself SO miserable when you can feel almost "normal' with medications?

I KNOW a lot of us don't want to take medications, but I've HAD to take them for the last 30 years cause I have a SEVERE case of depression, and without them I just cannot function! There's nothing so horrible about taking meds. There are some that don't have severe side effects. I'm on Cymbalta 60mg twice a day now, and I dont' have ANY side effects from it. And it works very well for me! I thank God there are meds out there that can control this awful depression.

Please talk to your doctor, and get on something so your life can be better than it is. And by the way, I'd like to talk to your BF -- he's a real JERK. Does he think that you WANT to feel like this? Doesn't he understand that Depression is a disease? What's the matter with him? He sure isn't very compassionate! He's not very understanding or patient. It seems he's only thinking of himself! I think I'd want to tell him to take a walk!! How dare he call you "whiny." Creep!

I can only HOPE that he gets a case of depression some day so that he knows how it feels. THEN let him come back and ask for understanding. HAH! I hope you call him a "WHINY BRAT."

Talk to your doc, hon. He CAN help you. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[misscath007]

I'm sorry you are not getting any support, it just makes it even harder to get well. I would do some research on antidepressants and maybe they will nort seem so frightening to you. Of course, meds are not a cure all, therapy also helps and living a healthy life is part of the picture too.

Please believe in yourself, you are worth it even if your boyfriend seems to be saying otherwise.

What's the game that he plays?

[adel34]

I'm so sorry you're in this horrible situation!
I have so many thoughts, mainly agreeing with other's replies.
First of all, I agree about maybe visiting the ACOA forum, or perhaps finding a local acoa support group or al-anon support group. The alcoholism in your family surely plays into your feelings of low self-esteem, and into your relationship with your boyfriend. He is deffinetely not helping this situation. I agree with others that his words are thoughtless and very hurtful, and just terrible! You don't deserve to be talked to that way. I know how bad this feels, because my mom always used to say these sorts of things, being mean when I would cry and not understanding, even though I know she deals with depression herself. I just moved out because of her, (one of the reasons,) and am now in a residential facility for the blind. Even though it has it's issues I'd rather be there than at my parent's house!
I also agree with others about medications. Over the years I was back and forth about it. When I was 18 I was put on zoloft, and it helped. I went off it after a few years because I was with a therapist who didn't believe that I was depressed or needed medication! (yeah, she was really a bad therapist) Anyway, I just went back on it about a year ago, and I'm so glad I made that decision. I can tell you that at least for me, zoloft is very effective and I have no side effects. You might want to find a psychiatrist, (I personally wouldn't use a primary care doctor as they have little training on psych meds) who can evaluate you and discuss meds. I know for me when I first went on them, talking with my new psychiatrist helped me be less scared of them.
Also, I really think you should see a therapist. It sounds like you have so many issues to sort out, (the depression, family members having died of alcoholism, this creepy unsupportive boyfriend, your work, friends...) the list goes on. It must be so overwhelming to have all this stuff just in your head. You really deserve a caring nonjudgmental profesional to talk through this stuff, and mostly just be a solid support for you.
Know that me and others on this forum believe in you. With the right support in place I think anyone can do anything. You just have to reach out, like you did coming on here and posting. That's a wonderful first step. Please keep us updated.

Thanks everyone, you are so kind. I can't believe it. In my "real life," no one is this kind. I sometimes sit there and think what kinds of private personal problems people I know face to face are having. No one is so carefree, or are they? I'm so freakin' polite, and nice to just about everyone because I assume everyone has at least one issue that really brings them down. I hate when some people are just so mean, and they treat others as if they are made of steel. I'm really sensitive, but I think I've grown strong too because of all the crap I've been through, and I've never resorted to drugs, alcohol, smoking, or anything to escape. In fact, I really can't become addicted to anything because I have such shifting interests. I make a joke sometimes that I can't even become addicted to multi-vitamins. I guess it's a good thing esp. considering my family history. I've always done everything in moderation, but never have been able to commit to a healthy habit like therapy. I went to a therapist 2 years ago for 3 sessions. I felt better, so didn't continue. I actually felt kinda weird with him because he was a student, and I sensed he was overburdened. A couple of weeks ago, I made an appt. with a psychiatrist. I made the 10 mile drive to a closed office. I was only 10 minutes early, but felt very unwelcome and discouraged due to the locked door, and darkened office. I left right at my appt. time. I felt stupid waiting in the hallway. I could've called to ask where the doctor was, but I really didn't feel like it. I had already gotten a bad impression from her. But, afterwards , I felt bad for blowing her off because I thought that even psychiatrists have problems, and I should've given her a chance. I don't know why I feel like that, I'm the one seeking help. I suppose I'll get another referral.
Oh, I'm not totally against meds. I'll admit, I'm a little scared and distrusting of pharmaceutical companies. I guess I'm one of those people who believe that the earth has given us everything we need. The St. John's Wort I'm taking seems to have helped. I had a day this week where I felt really low, but then I got my period, so wonder if it was due to that mostly.
I had a revelation this morning about my life long low grade form of depression. While I was forming in my mother's womb, she was in the process of losing her father to cancer. She was very close with her dad. He was the light in her life. He died 6 months after I was born. I'm thinking that the chemicals flowing in her bloodstream during this major period of grieving left me with some kind of deficiency or something. After all, this was when my brain was developing. My brother was more of a hyperactive, risk taking kid, happier kid. I was always very cautious.
Well, again, thank you so much for your support, that's mostly what I've been seeking.

Oh yeah, my BF plays Modern Warfare 3. I think it's an awful invention. I truly believe gaming like this atrophies important portions of your brain, and overstimulates the areas of your brain that control anger and other destructive emotions.

[MotherMarcus]

Aquarius, I am so sorry for your situation. Your boyfriend sounds like a manipulative control freak. Have you considered checking into a women's shelter ? They maybe able to provide you with resources to help you get you back on track. Good luck. Please keep in touch.

[bretd]

Originally Posted by Aquarius8

That's what my boyfriend always says. I'm trying an herb known for helping those with depression. RX meds would be my very very very last resort. I thought it was helping within the first week as I was feeling good. Then, yesterday, we went to the beach, and I had a good day. It filled me with joy because we unknowingly stumbled into a dog beach. To see those little guys in total bliss made me want to cry in happiness.
Later that night though, I realized that he only took me somewhere so he could try to get sex later, as well as play his video game. Well, he didn't get me, but he did play his game. He became violent, and punched my wall because he was losing or something, so I left to take a walk. I came home, and he asked me, "What's your problem? Why are you mad, just because I was playing? I can't do anything........." Then, he starts telling me that I'm always sad, and no one wants to be around a sad person. He tells me that I'm a big whiny baby. I remind him of how angry and sad he was when his dumb wife cheated on him. He thinks it's totally different, and that his feelings should be validated, but not mine. He says I have nothing to be sad about. Well, hey, I'm still sad though, what do you want me to do? I'm a total failure. I'm working part time at a dead end job. Now, I rely on him for half the rent money because my hours were cut. I'm 30, and have tried to go to college multiple times throughout the last 12 years, and have failed at that. I feel like I have no talent or skill or ambition or whatever to ever earn a decent living. I will always be poor and bored. I can't make new friends since my old friend abandoned me 7 years ago. I have 2 people in my family as they all have died from drugs and alcoholic abuse. I'm not lovable. I can't even find a man who will love me! I feel like I will never be able to accomplish a single thing in my life. I feel useless, and like I'm a waste of a human being. I took some vacation time this weekend to pull up cat urine soaked carpet from my mom's house which she only rents. What a vacation! Sure, then I went to the beach yesterday, but I guess that was only a ploy to get me in bed, and if not that to at least let him play his precious game. Suppose I'll give the herb more time, and hopefully my mood will improve so I can try to once again make some changes in my life. I wonder if there is a point though. I always fail, and have to start over.

You need to do what ever you can to get rid of that guy. I know it wont be easy but it can be done. keep your head up.