[SharkOutOfWater]

I've been depressed most of my life, I am now 31. I have seen countless therapists/psychiatrists, been on many different medications and combination of medications.

I do see a Pdoc, but not as much as I like. I have no insurance since I lost my job due to both physical and mental ills. I'm trying to go on disability, which feels like another failure to tack onto my list.

I had just come off Paxil and I was an emotional wreck for months on end, it also screwed up my stomach, I had to be mindful of what I ate.

I saw my Pdoc a few weeks ago, he prescribed me the generic of Celexa. Told me to start at 20mg and to work up to 40mg. I couldn't handle the 20mg after a few days, it shot my anxiety through the roof and it made my head feel weird. I decided to try half of a pill for a few days and I was still experiencing the same symptoms.

Last Wed. night is when things took a turn for the worse. I was having no problems sleeping until that night. My thoughts went into super villain overdrive. The intrusive thoughts were coming in one by one and I couldn't stop them. They focused on past mistakes I have made that I'm ashamed of. Then came the thoughts that were suggesting I just kill myself. I battled through the night and managed to keep my sanity.

The next day the thoughts were still there and I decided to stop the Celexa. I contacted my Pdoc, and he got back to me through text message. He explained I should cut the medicine in half (which I did) and do that for two weeks, then build up from there. I wrote him back telling him of my experience, he didn't seem to supportive. He said and I'm paraphrasing, then stop if you can't persist, knowing it will likely pass. Then told me I had to get on the waiting list to revisit options.

My depression, when bad usually takes on physical attributes. It feels like this depressive weight is pressing down on my brain. It's the worse it has felt in a very long time. My appetite is also gone, which I never had a problem with. It is now Monday and sleep is still hard to come by, I had to buy a sleeping aid which helped calm the thoughts and I got some sleep.

I've been having thoughts of wanting to die and have thought of ways that I can do it. I told my mom about my recent episodes, shes dealing with a lot to, guilt and depression over my dad's illness. She made me promise I wouldn't do anything because that would be the end of her. I feel the same, if something happened to her. I cry and get upset just thinking about it. I even prayed for natural causes to do me in, at least that would be a bit less painful for people than me just killing myself.

I started myself slowly back on Paxil without my Pdoc instructions, I do not recommend anyone doing this but I was desperate. I have to wait till Aug 13th to see him and its just for 15mins. I needed to do something, my thoughts were getting to strong.

I would actually like to go inpatient but I have no insurance and have no idea what else to do. Talk therapy was never really helpful, I was always open about my feelings. I don't want to go through 30 more years of this, I'm just tired of it.

A bit long winded, if you made it through, thanks!

[Trying Hard]

I wish that I could say something to make you feel better, but all I can say is I feel the same way a lot of the time. I recently had a CT scan of my abdomen because of pain and was kind of disappointed that it wasn't cancer or something.
It has to be hard just getting the "hang in there" vibe from your Pdoc especially since this is potentially life or death.
I sometimes wonder how long I have to hold on just to save others from suffering.

[SharkOutOfWater]

Originally Posted by Trying Hard

I wish that I could say something to make you feel better, but all I can say is I feel the same way a lot of the time. I recently had a CT scan of my abdomen because of pain and was kind of disappointed that it wasn't cancer or something.
It has to be hard just getting the "hang in there" vibe from your Pdoc especially since this is potentially life or death.
I sometimes wonder how long I have to hold on just to save others from suffering.

Thanks, I wish we all didn't have to suffer such torment. The world has enough wrong with it, then to add the various mental illnesses to the many who have it as the cherry on top.

Once my parents are gone and if things don't get better, all bets are off. The promise to my mom is the last one.

Thanks again, I hope we both find some peace within the madness.

[whimsygirl]

Hello SharkOutOfWater.....I'm so sorry about all you're going through, and I hope that some kind of comfort comes your way as soon as possible. I also relate in ways to some of your story. I have not been able to afford health insurance for some time, and that sure does make trying to find relief from your depression a lot more difficult. And also, I'm so sorry that your doctor wasn't more supportive when you told him about your bad experiences....hearing things like that makes me really sad. I had a therapist a few years ago who could seem rather uncaring at times, during the most severe and longest episode of major depression I have ever endured. There were many times when I would leave a session feeling even worse about myself, but I couldn't look for someone else because at that time I did have insurance, and Blue Cross would not pay a cent if I switched to a new provider. And one other thing, I also have wished for a terminal illness so I would not have to make the choice....just wanted all the pain to stop, and to know that there was no chance of it returning. Well, anyway, thanks for your post, and sending warm thoughts your way....

[SharkOutOfWater]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

Hello SharkOutOfWater.....I'm so sorry about all you're going through, and I hope that some kind of comfort comes your way as soon as possible. I also relate in ways to some of your story. I have not been able to afford health insurance for some time, and that sure does make trying to find relief from your depression a lot more difficult. And also, I'm so sorry that your doctor wasn't more supportive when you told him about your bad experiences....hearing things like that makes me really sad. I had a therapist a few years ago who could seem rather uncaring at times, during the most severe and longest episode of major depression I have ever endured. There were many times when I would leave a session feeling even worse about myself, but I couldn't look for someone else because at that time I did have insurance, and Blue Cross would not pay a cent if I switched to a new provider. And one other thing, I also have wished for a terminal illness so I would not have to make the choice....just wanted all the pain to stop, and to know that there was no chance of it returning. Well, anyway, thanks for your post, and sending warm thoughts your way....

Thanks for your kind words and I hope you find some peace too!

I called the Pdoc today but he wasn't in the office. I told the secretary that I needed to talk to him and told her why. I'm just wondering if hes going to text me like before or call me this time.

I'm trying to find a way to get some assistance for therapy. I feel so out of whack, and the thoughts at night make it feel like I'm going crazy. If I could afford to go to inpatient, I would do it in a heart beat. If I'm going to live, there has to be something out there for me, I'm just grasping at straws right now.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by SharkOutOfWater

Thanks for your kind words and I hope you find some peace too!

I called the Pdoc today but he wasn't in the office. I told the secretary that I needed to talk to him and told her why. I'm just wondering if hes going to text me like before or call me this time.

I'm trying to find a way to get some assistance for therapy. I feel so out of whack, and the thoughts at night make it feel like I'm going crazy. If I could afford to go to inpatient, I would do it in a heart beat. If I'm going to live, there has to be something out there for me, I'm just grasping at straws right now.

Thanks a lot. Good luck with the doc, and with your day.....

[SharkOutOfWater]

Well the Pdoc hasn't called yet but my mother has taken upon herself to contact an outpatient center on my behalf, which I welcome. Shes my angel and the most brightest star in my life, I apologize for the corniness. I just wish I could do better in this life for her but I just keep failing miserably.

The appointment is at 2 tomorrow, no promises since they have to look into my financials since I have no insurance or job.

Just thought I'd update here.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by SharkOutOfWater

Well the Pdoc hasn't called yet but my mother has taken upon herself to contact an outpatient center on my behalf, which I welcome. Shes my angel and the most brightest star in my life, I apologize for the corniness. I just wish I could do better in this life for her but I just keep failing miserably.

The appointment is at 2 tomorrow, no promises since they have to look into my financials since I have no insurance or job.

Just thought I'd update here.

Thanks for the update....Keeping my fingers crossed for you And btw, personally I don't think your comments about your Mom are corny at all....I love them! I'm happy for you that you have such a treasure in your life

[SharkOutOfWater]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

Thanks for the update....Keeping my fingers crossed for you And btw, personally I don't think your comments about your Mom are corny at all....I love them! I'm happy for you that you have such a treasure in your life

Thanks whimsygirl, I'm a bit nervous about it. She is a treasure if I didn't have her, who knows. I get all emotional when I talk about her, she is a rock.

[SharkOutOfWater]

Another update of sorts...

My Pdoc's secretary called, not the Dr. himself, telling me they made an appointment for me tomorrow night at 8. I told her my mom made me an appointment to that outpatient facility, which is also inpatient I've come to find out. She was wondering if I was still coming back to them, I told her I'll call her after the appointment since I don't even know if I'll be accepted.

Should I see this Dr.'s behavior a certain way? I don't know how I feel about it now.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by SharkOutOfWater

Another update of sorts...

My Pdoc's secretary called, not the Dr. himself, telling me they made an appointment for me tomorrow night at 8. I told her my mom made me an appointment to that outpatient facility, which is also inpatient I've come to find out. She was wondering if I was still coming back to them, I told her I'll call her after the appointment since I don't even know if I'll be accepted.

Should I see this Dr.'s behavior a certain way? I don't know how I feel about it now.

SharkOOWater....Needing some clarification here, if you will. Is it the doc's secretary that was asking if you were coming back to their office? If so, do you know why she would be asking you that? And also, when you're asking about the doc's behavior, are you referring to the texting incident and his "hang in there" attitude, or something else?

[SharkOutOfWater]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

SharkOOWater....Needing some clarification here, if you will. Is it the doc's secretary that was asking if you were coming back to their office? If so, do you know why she would be asking you that? And also, when you're asking about the doc's behavior, are you referring to the texting incident and his "hang in there" attitude, or something else?

I called earlier today cause I was feeling really bad and I needed to talk to my Pdoc, he wasn't there so she said she would relay the message. She called later, not the Pdoc saying they put me in tomorrow night at 8. I told the secretary about the other place and she was wondering if I was going to be coming back there. Maybe she thought I was going to leave his care, not sure. Hopefully I explained it better!

The text messages didn't leave a nice impression with me either.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by SharkOutOfWater

I called earlier today cause I was feeling really bad and I needed to talk to my Pdoc, he wasn't there so she said she would relay the message. She called later, not the Pdoc saying they put me in tomorrow night at 8. I told the secretary about the other place and she was wondering if I was going to be coming back there. Maybe she thought I was going to leave his care, not sure. Hopefully I explained it better!

The text messages didn't leave a nice impression with me either.

No, you explained it fine....it's just a confusing situation! I've just got to say, I could not agree more about the text message! When I first read that earlier my immediate thought was "seriously??" Actually I had never heard of a doctor communicating with a patient that way before. Well, anyway, thanks for clarifying. Take care, and hope all of goes well....

[SharkOutOfWater]

Last night I couldn't sleep even with a sleep aid. The thoughts and guilt kept bombarding me and the only relief I thought I'd get was if I just offed myself. As the night wore on I decided to speak to my mom about the things from my past that were now eating me from the inside out.

When she woke up, we talked, I cried, told her how horrible of a person I was because of the things I did. She was there for me, reassuring me, told me a lot of people do horrible, regretful things (I know this but sometimes your not rational with yourself). She told me feeling guilty about certain things you did wrong is in a way good, what if I didn't feel guilty for doing something wrong, that would be worse. I'm paraphrasing most of this, she said it much better than I'm relaying.

I do feel a bit better with the guilt but I'm still pretty depressed. I'm hoping to be accepted into this program today, I need to get better and start living my life. I've done so many things, like travel. I've been to Italy (numerous times), Australia, to visit family but I never experienced it like I should have out of fear and my depression. I slept walked for the majority of my life.

I just hope if I don't get accepted that I won't slide back down. So I won't try to get my hopes up too high. I'll post again later after the appointment. Wish me well, I need all the positive thoughts I can get. Thanks for those who have listened and helped with your kind words.

[regretful]

Good luck with the program; never give up!