[solost888]

I have so many major problems. I'm a single mom, I had a severe bi-polar mania episode...it was the first one i ever had. I acted mean to people and like a totally different person. I didnt even realize anything was wrong. I was hospitalized, but that didnt help any, i was still totally out of character. I was yelling at people non-stop, accusing them of doing bad things to me. (The real me is shy and friendly, so it makes me sick looking back at all the stuff i said to people)

It makes me so upset, because i always been a nice, caring, laid back person. Never did drugs, and was always protective over my life (not doing anything risky or crazy, because im all my son has, and i always wanted to live a nice happy life)

This episode has caused me to loose my job, get my son taken away by CPS, get a couple criminal charges. I lost everything, my insurance, my savings, my friends. Im scared to death of going to jail, not only because i have huge anxiety the thought of being in there, to the point i feel like im about to have a heart attack.....but also because. I will have no where to go when i get out.
I will loose my home that i've lived in all my life (which i see happening anyway because i cant get a job with these criminal charges on my record)

These problems are making me so sick, I cant eat, i wake up gagging as soon as i get up, because im so upset how my life has turned out. My son being in foster care is absolutely killing me, then everything else..i just feel like there is no hope.

I look back at my life, and i was such a good person, responsible, hard working mother. I took such good care of my son, I was the type to never let him cry, I always ful-filled his needs, and miss him so bad. I had him enrolled in sports. (He's 4) We did crafts together all the time. I took him everywhere with me. I have so much stuff from my brother that passed away, that i wanted to pass down to him. (Sports collector items etc,)
If i end up homeless everything will be gone, i wouldnt even know where to go and will be scared to death, some stranger would hurt me.

I have bill collectors calling non-stop, dont even have a bank acct now. No insurance. No nothing, and im all alone.

This stuff just seems un-real, way too much to manage, impossible. I always had a decent savings, never paid a bill late and always worked since i was 16, and went to college.

Now im just living day by day, like what the heck do i do? I have no friends to talk to, everyone lost respect for me and thinks im a crazy maniac, for the way i was acting. Its so hard accepting something so strange affected my mind, and caused all of this...made me act like a totally different person for weeks, It's so hard to even explain anything i was saying to people. If it never happened, everything will be normal and my son would be so happy.

People want to fight me, hurt me because of the way i was acting. So i been staying in the house.

I just dont know what to do, i sometimes feel like the only person in the world so alone. Ive never had much family at all. Alot passed away at young ages. Then i think about my son being in foster care all alone, it makes me sick...If i go to jail, i feel like i will never be able to get him back. (I also am afraid i will die in there, i can't handle that type of life)
I used to be so successful, now i just cant believe my life is ruined.

I havent been able to eat, I can tell its affecting my health. My body is starting to feel weak and ache. I've lost so much weight. I cant listen to music, it makes me cry......I havent even been watching TV, I just cant enjoy anything.

I really feel like im barely surviving, i dont know what to do. I've been through so much, and always made it through it...but now my whole life has been ruined from something i had no control over, i cant even explain it logically... I made a fool out of myself over the whole community. The obvious advice, is be strong to get your son back, but i dont know how to be strong this time, when my money is gone and i have criminal charges. I been completely devastated.

[AngelWolf3]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can only offer hugs, and the thoughts that you are trying to change/ or have changed now. It sounds like you have changed. I only hope that as things get reviewed for you (the criminal charge stuff) that those people take into account that you are a different person now and truly regret what happened. Hopefully they will realize that you were not acting out on purpose, sometimes our minds do weird out of character things.

I know what you are going through. i lost my kids for a couple years due to some pretty stupid things that I did caused by me going off my meds (not saying the things you did were stupid, just mine) and i still feel the repercussions of what I did today. They are back in my life now, which is good, but solost, I totally feel you. I hope that everything works out for you...and pc is a good place to let out your fears and frustrations. There are a lot of good people out here. Keep us posted.

[Rohag]

Hello, Solost888! Wow. In addition to coming to terms with bipolar, I think you could use some practical counseling regarding the whole of the situation you've described so well. I see posters have offered you some good ideas in the Bipolar Forum. 2-1-1 (United Way/AIRS) might be a resource for you as well.

[solost888]

Thanks both of you for your advice, yes this is so hard to go through. I can't imagine being homeless, but i dont see any hope. I wake up so numb, like what the heck?? How did this all happen. Its so hard to deal with because i was always a successful, good person. Never did drugs, I always was shy and kept to myself, then all the sudden for me to act like a completely different person, is so hard to understand. I cant even explain it to anyone. Now im alone and scared to death where my life is headed.

[solost888]

I am so scared, i can barely function, barely eat for weeks, and when i do. I end up throwing up . I don't understand how my life can fall apart right in front of me, and i truly was acting out of my mind and didnt even realize it. Its the first time this ever happened. I look back at the way i was acting it makes me so sick. I'm scared to death, this just seems so unreal. I miss my normal life so bad. Theres so many bad people out here, I just dont understand how something like this could happen. Now i look like a bad person and am all alone and feel so lost.

[AngelWolf3]

I was right there with you last weekend. I wish I had a cure, or a tip on how to get over it. I don't I wish I did, for both of us. Easier said than done, but try to look forward at least that you are not in that place that you were when you were doing those things, and you are changing.
Do you have a Therapist? Or a support group locally to talk to? Keep posting here, though, you will find understanding and support.

[solost888]

Originally Posted by Wolfin3

I was right there with you last weekend. I wish I had a cure, or a tip on how to get over it. I don't I wish I did, for both of us. Easier said than done, but try to look forward at least that you are not in that place that you were when you were doing those things, and you are changing.
Do you have a Therapist? Or a support group locally to talk to? Keep posting here, though, you will find understanding and support.

I do have a therapist, she tries to motivate me to make me happy....but its not working at all. Each day i have been feeling worse, i'm more and more numb and scared. I wake up every morning with my chest pounding from anxiety. I cant eat, I've been forcing myself, but i only get a few bites, then it comes right back up. I feel like im dying, I dont want to die. I enjoyed life until all this happened.This truly seems impossible to live through. It's so many huge problems. My whole life got destroyed. I miss being Happy, I barely leave my house..When i do, it just reminds me of how happy my life used to be, and makes me feel even more alone. I've never seen anyone with this many problems, and the thing that makes me so sad is how they were caused.....It was like an uncontrollable mental episode that happen, that wasnt me at all.

[fibereagle]

Originally Posted by solost888

I am so scared, i can barely function, barely eat for weeks, and when i do. I end up throwing up . I don't understand how my life can fall apart right in front of me, and i truly was acting out of my mind and didnt even realize it. Its the first time this ever happened. I look back at the way i was acting it makes me so sick. I'm scared to death, this just seems so unreal. I miss my normal life so bad. Theres so many bad people out here, I just dont understand how something like this could happen. Now i look like a bad person and am all alone and feel so lost.

If you need someone to talk with. I'm here.

[Lost Lamb]

Solost, I'm no therapist. I wish a could help you feel better. I'm just here to let you know I'm here for you. And I send hugs.

[aelredmarie]

Solost,

I think only Job and Joseph in the Bible know how you must feel. They suffered unjustly, too. I'm sure that the families of the dead and wounded in Aurora, Colorado are also suffering. Life isn't fair. You sound like a strong person who wants to do what is right. This sounds like depression and despair that come after mania in bipolar disorder. I think you should see a psychiatrist as well as a therapist. Perhaps medication at this point will help the anxiety and appetite. Have you tried Ensure to keep your strength up?

My heart goes out to you. May you find some grace and peace in something or someone.

[solost888]

Originally Posted by aelredmarie

Solost,

I think only Job and Joseph in the Bible know how you must feel. They suffered unjustly, too. I'm sure that the families of the dead and wounded in Aurora, Colorado are also suffering. Life isn't fair. You sound like a strong person who wants to do what is right. This sounds like depression and despair that come after mania in bipolar disorder. I think you should see a psychiatrist as well as a therapist. Perhaps medication at this point will help the anxiety and appetite. Have you tried Ensure to keep your strength up?

My heart goes out to you. May you find some grace and peace in something or someone.

Thank you, i just read about Job and Joseph, and yes i see what you mean.