Losing my mind

I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship with the meanest cruelest man you ever met. I am not allowed to work, have any friends and very little contact with my family. I am 1000 miles from any family. I am very isolated. I cant do anything right and cant do enough. I am lazy even though I take care of the house, do the laundry, mow the yard, work in the garden, and pay the bills with MY money. We are not married and no children. I am called names, critisized and belittled on an hourly basis. I was diagnose bi-polar II a few years ago and have been on medication but even my Psychiatrist said I wouldnt need meds if I wasnt in this situation. I have contacted the Womens Shelter here and they will take me in for 10 days. Then where do I go and what do I do? I am so lost and so scared I dont know where to start. I feel like I have been reaching my hand out for help but no one will take a hold and help pull me up. I am at the point of losing my mind or having a breakdown. If I had insurance I would go to the hospital. I am 54 and starting over at this age is beyond fearful. I just want to hurt myself or end it for good. I cant suffer everyday like this. I really need somewhere to go till I can get on my feet. I never had any children so I dont have them or grandchildren. Most people have family or friends that provide mental and emotional support. I am all alone. Can anyone please please help me before I do something to stop the pain?

Welcome to PC, I'm so glad you are here! I'm sorry for the situation you are in. I don't know what I can do to help, but I would encourage you to try and get out of that situation. I know if you stay in that situation things will likely get worse! If you are supporting him financially can you just move away? Find a new start? I hear you are asking for help, I believe you want out of that relationship. People here can offer you support and encouragement to move in that direction.

Thanks so much for posting and I hope to keep hearing from you on here!

Maybe its time to move 1000 miles back to your family and dump this horrid person. They are just using you as a slave. Anywhere else has got to be better than this.

Use the energy of desperation to get yourself away and start a good relationship with yourself. You dont need to be adding hurt on yourself.

The people at the women's shelter can help you sort out how to go forward with your life. Make sure this man doesn't have access to your money and go to the shelter as soon as possible. If he is living in your property, find out how to evict him. Your life will start to smooth out the minute you get away from this abusive person. Courage!

I wish I could wave a wand and rescue you from this situation. You need to start hiding money first and foremost. That will give you options. Second, play on your team. Think it through meticulously. Think on it from every angle. If you are close to your family then get there and let them be your support system for the immediate time being. It is imperative you get out before there are children involved or he pops the question, which in my experience of your situation is a control tactic to keep you under his thumb. Run, and dont ever put yourself in a room alone with him after you do. But make sure before you run that you will do so successfully, and get out of his reach for good. Do not think on starting over, do not think on the snowball of everything that MIGHT happen. Just break it down and start with this one step. remove yourself from the emotional nightmare you are in. Dont compromise on this. Find a way out now. Every possible happiness in your future between now and your natural death many many years from now depends on this decision. Good luck. I know you can do this.

I wish I knew how to help. I have such a list of my own prblemtns that no one understands I work for family and my husband works nights at a bar that is no good. Any advice?

Dearheart, if you're paying all the bills with YOUR money, then surely you can get a ticket on a train or bus to go back home! You have GOT to get out of there NOW. Don't stop and the women's shelter cause he'll find you there, and yank you out. Get on a bus and LEAVE! Go back home!!! That way he won't be able to just come and get you easily.

I'm so sorry you're being abused so terribly! That man is a pig. Once you get home, you'll feel safe and will be able to start over. At least back where you came from, there will be people you know, who can help and support you. You won't feel so abandoned and alone like you do now.

I wish you the very best my friend. PLEASE keep us posted, will you?? I'm concerned about you. Try to let us know when and if you get back home. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

get away from him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please i beg you i know what this is like, life gets better when you get away......just get away you will find your way........please....

Hi, as the others have said get away from him anyway you can. You can sneak away. just do it. Dont worry about your age and starting over. You have a long life ahead of you and deserve better. please let us know how you are doing.

First I would like to say good morning with a smile. I recently signed up for this site, I have been connected through FB but not involved physically, just observing mentally. With that being said, this is my 1st time here, so Good Day! After I just read your blog/diary I feel for you as well as myself. I have MCD & GAD, major chronic depression and general anxiety disorder. I have been depressed for 6 yrs. It sucks. To put it bluntly. My anxiety, I used to only get, I emphasize only because now it is called "Dreaded Anxiety" when I did have the attacks I would get light headed & feel like I was losing ground, panicking. Now, I start to blackout, I feel for sure I am going to die of a heart attack & I think I have now convinced 1 of my specialists to give me a stress test & EKG. I feel just like you do, I cry 365 days/nights a year, I get physically ill so bad, I am constantly lonely (but yet my wedding anniversary is next weekend.) Almost everyday, I want to leave, hell, I threatened to leave, but I haven't yet left, I bet you can say, yeah, I know what that is like! Right!! Thing is I keep going over the senario like, WOW, I am not in my 20's anymore, I have major medical problems, on disability for the past 6 years, OMG, how can I do this, I can't....Then I go about my day, depressed as usual. I have a daughter that is almost 30 and son that is 28 & I here, what is keeping you there? Well, I don't want to hurt someone, then I hear, but, you already are, you are hurting yourself.
So, I will tell you what I hear from my daughter, counselor & PCP, they say, you are not dead, you woke up this morning, you can see, hear, smell & taste, dispite your medical issues you still can move around and walk. Do you ever look @ it that way? There are so many days where I can say, I can't take this anymore, I am going to go through my things, downsize my stuff because Lord knows, I can't take it all with me, and that is because I have done sooo much therapy shopping, I am looking like a hoarder or starting to become one my daughter says. Then the day comes to a close, I have packed & brought one more box to Goodwill, but I am still here......so what is my problem, I am just not as strong of a person anymore, but, I hear that the strength WE NEED comes from within & so does the happiness WE so much deserve. You know, I wish I could be there and see you, I would tell you that I know how you feel. And, I am a great listener & give good advice I am told, but, I should be taking my own advice like I take daily medication to live. Anywho, listen, I know you are alone, your family is far away, ask your self 1 question at a time, can I change any part about the way I am living? If just one thing comes to your mind, write that down, think about it off & on through the day, as it comes to mind, try to figure out just 1 more way to bring that to reality. An example would be like, well, I really haven't spoke to so and so in a very long time or I left (whoever) without really explaining why. Think on that. Then, think, ok, I say I have no family, but, I do have some relatives 1000 miles away but we haven't spoke, think on how you can or write a letter. OH< by the way, go to youtube right now, put on the song by Wilson Philips called just one more day, sit back, stop reading for a moment and listen to that song & if you have to listen 1 more time and save to your favorites, go right ahead! I did.
I just read your blog 1 more time. I have to ask, you say you are basically emtionally beat up several times a day & live with a very mean & cruel man, right? Why? You have no kids, you mention that you pay bills with your money, right? You also say you took the time, looked up the phone # & called a women's shelter, right? That tells me, you have taken the 1st few steps to get FREE! Do Not Stop there. I used to volunteer & sometimes do for the homeless shelter in my state. I met a lady there that runs the shelter & know for a fact that she does everything in her power to find housing b4 you leave the shelter. If someone else in the shelter has a child, they will get an apartment 1st. You have to call the Shelter. You should stop by, if you drive, do you drive? Shelters ALWAYS need volunteer help, so much to do and the people there usually don't help to much, because from 9am to 5pm they have to be gone. If I were you, I would contact them ASAP. As soon as they have a placement open, GO and do not look back, you have nothing to look back to except pain & agony. When you go to the shelter they are going to have you fill out a form & ask a bunch of questions. It will all stay private. BUT, they will not just say in 10 days, ok, time up see you later, NO, they don't. They have what you call Outreach Programs & that is where your help comes in. They will take your income & figure what you can afford & Shelters also have housing of their own, Shelters do not usually mention that they have what they call "Transitional Housing". And apartment buildings they run so the people that go to the shelter (like you for safety reasons) they will help you and get you on track. If you are on a disability program where you get a monthly check, then start to use the resources. And remember, the shelter is not going to throw you to the dogs in 10 days.
Well, got to close now, I wish you the best, please let me know how things are coming along, if I can be of help I will. Take care and God Bless YOU.

Thanks for sharing your story !