[sabby]

I’m struggling. My depression has worsened. I’m not able to control it like I used to do. I’m not able to ignore it like I used to do. I’m a bit lost on what to do next. I am on cymbalta for my fibromyalgia and it does help with some of the pain. It doesn’t seem to be working as well as it has in the past. I spoke to my doctor and she gave me gabapentin for the pain. It’s not doing anything at all this time. I was on it many years ago and it worked well, now, nothing.

I know I have to apply for prescription assistance, but I don’t seem to get off my duff and do it. My procrastination has taken hold in a strong way and I can’t figure out how to work through that either.

This is all creating more anxiety and all I want to do is hide under my blankets and cuddle with my pillows. I haven’t allowed myself to do that yet, but I think the time is coming closer to doing it.

While I have a very nice place to live (thanks to darkpurplesecrets) and I am so very appreciative of that, it doesn’t seem to be enough of a kick in the arse to get me moving on things I need to do for myself.

Having worked hard my whole life, sometimes 2 jobs to make ends meet while raising my kids, I find I can no longer work. It takes me hours to get up and get moving every morning. That, in and of itself, is very depressing to me. I’m not finding joy in life. I’m not laughing like I used to laugh. I’m not sleeping well (haven’t in a long time anyways but seems to be getting worse).

I find it hard to express these things as I have always been a strong individual who was able to work through anything. That is just not the case anymore and I’m at a loss as to what will help me.

I’ve applied for SSDI and APTD. It’s been over 3 months without any income and no decision yet on the APTD. I have been so very blessed with good friends and family who have stepped up to help me. But I realize they cannot do this forever and I do not expect them to.

Right now, I’ve been putting off getting in the shower and getting dressed to go deliver some paperwork to the state that they require. Today is the deadline day to get it in for my case. This is typical procrastination on my part, yet again. And there goes the anxiety because of it…..good grief. Just light another cigarette and tell myself I’ll get in the shower when it’s finished. *sigh* Seems I’ve told myself that four cigarettes ago.

I guess, if I must, I must…….maybe I’ll write more later, if I don’t put it off.

Thanks for reading.

[madisgram]

oh sabby i'm so sorry you are dealing with such challenges at this time. i do hope the situation improves. it's hard to look out of the hole we can be in at times. just do the best you can do. that's all one can do. i am very fortunate. i was put on gabapentin in the early 90's for fibro. i take 900 mgs. a day. my doc said if it wasn't enough there was no medical ceiling for doseage. do you think a higher dose will work? i know fibro is so debilitating and it's misunderstood but those of us who have it know it's real. i do know diet and stress can exacerbate the fibro. there's a good book on fibro at barnes and noble that includes foods to stay away from, etc too.
i took a 1200 mile trip in my car last year and for 3 weeks could hardly move after getting there. i didn't feel stressed but i must've been. it's one of a few breakouts that has happened to me since gabapentin use.
keeping you in my thoughts.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( sabby )))))))))))))
You're in my thoughts and prayers...

[kebsfroggy]

I'm so sorry to here you are going through this rough time. Isn't it amazing how we think we've gotten over the hump and things are looking up. Then something, and it doesn't have to be catastrophic, some small unimportant thing will start the downward spiral and it just goes down from there.
I have faith in you. You have helped so many get through the rough times. I know you can fight through this one more time.
((((((Sabby)))))
kebs

((((Sabby)))) x

[Trippin2.0]

(((((Sabby))))) hope you start feeling better soon!!!

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((sabby))))

Thank you for posting. How have you been doing? Sorry it has taken me so long to post to you but I wrote out a reply and it disappeared. So I am going to try to rewrite this and hope it does not disappear again. I am so sorry you are struggling so and feeling so depressed. I do understand and validate how you are feeling. But please give yourself permission to feel what you feel and to see that so much has changed for you and what you are feeling makes so much sense and is normal for what is going on.

All your life you have been the one to work and to help everyone else. You have been able to take care of yourself and to do many things that now you are struggling to do. Fibromyalgia is very painful and it takes its toll on you and makes it impossible often times to function, and it especially affects your thinking with that foggy feeling you often get. It has to be very frustrating and hard to keep doing what you have done dealing with this.

I know that you often find yourself losing your words that are right there but unable to bring them down if you can even think of them. It must be frustrating to start talking and then not know what to say, especially when you used to be able to think of things right off. Fibromyalgia is not something that can be seen all the time. But, I have seen you and the pain that you go through, and I have watched you very often pushed through that pain to do what it is you had to do.

But there comes a time when we can no longer push ourselves not because you are lazy, or not trying. The pain that I have seen you go through is very debilitating at times and I know that it can wipe you out and you cannot do anything. An often times it causes so much un-comfort that it stops you right in your tracks. And when you hurt that bad it is important to take care of yourself. The type of work that you were doing really put a lot of stress on you and on the days you were not feeling well it was nearly impossible for you to do anything.

Your job was taxing and your client was not getting any better. You did a great job there and you did the best you could. Sometimes illness makes it impossible to keep doing what you do, but that does not make you bad or anything it just is something that you had and have no control over. I think that after you had that accident you really never fully recovered from it and then your client got hurt and had surgery that made it even more taxing and much more difficult. Not to mention all the shoveling snow and cleaning on top of taking care of someone that was very dependent on you for so much.

When one has worked all their life and been able to take care of themselves and also to be there for your children and grandkids, and others, to suddenly find yourself workless with nothing coming in and losing your home because your job was your home, makes sense to me to be depressed. Not having anywhere to go and finding yourself now trying to live without a paycheck that you knew would be there every month, it is going to be hard to deal with.

You know you had already been considering leaving where you were working as it was really beginning to become too much. The job you had was not easy; it would have been very wearing on one’s body that did not have fibro and other things going on. You had planned to save money over that next year to have it to live on, get a place, and to put away----you found out that they were letting you go way before you had that chance to save for yourself. There was nothing you could do about that. It really makes it hard to plan for when you’re not given the time you were planning to save.

I do understand not having money, a place to go, or anyway to work because of pain. Your depression makes perfect sense and when one cannot do anything to help themselves and depression has hit so hard it is easy to procrastinate. Getting back regularly on your medication would help and possibly adjusting the dosage higher would be a good thing to talk to your doctor about. I know how hard it is though; to take medication or anything when it feels like there is no way out hast to be really difficult. And our bodies change so what we used to take sometimes does not have the same effect anymore. Hopefully your doctor can help there.

Maybe it is time for you to give into hiding under your blankets and cuddling with your pillows for a little bit. Give yourself permission to just be for a little bit as you have not had time to just be for years now. Constantly running and doing for everyone, being someplace every day by a certain time, away from your home all day long, then getting home after leaving so early in the morning it is no wonder you needed to just rest. Getting through the night hours and often up with your client until 10:00 PM sometimes later, trying to allow yourself time to just unwind and calm before being able to even go to bed.

And often times because of the pain the fibromyalgia causes I know you did not get restful sleep at night. Changes in weather, being overly tired, keeping up with everything you had to do, and hardly ever having any time to yourself as just down time all made it difficult to sometimes rest at night. It is wearing to the body of anyone out-a-long someone who suffers from fibro and other illness. Rest or even restful sleep is so important to everyone’s body.

When we do not get the rest we need our bodies cannot rejuvenate and over time it can really make it hard to function and not feel depressed. Getting up so early just to have time to wake up and get around made for even longer days. Not resting through the night makes it impossible to move fast in the morning as does the fibro and other things going on.

Then after losing your job and having to pack everything up not knowing where you are going to put anything, moving into a very small room (almost a hole in the wall), and not having your privacy or time really makes it hard. Staying with me through not only this last surgery but over the last three years all five of them to help me and I lived in a really small apartment where there was no place to be alone or have your time (unless you wanted to sit on the pot in the bathroom as that was the only room in my apartment that had a door) lol. For eight weeks sleeping in my recliner chair through the nights, had to be so hard.

Not being able to stretch out and sleep in your own bed. Then just helping me pack everything up and moving to our new apartment, unpacking, cleaning the old apartment, and trying to settle in a new place. All these things added to your stress and did not give you time to just be. It has been years since you have had your own stuff, settled in your own place, just having time for yourself. It is no wonder you are feeling so depressed and with that procrastination.

I think that as you settle more in the new place, now having your own room and your own things, (and hopefully here in the next couple of weeks having all your stuff set up and being able to use it again), finding yourself again and start doing things you like to do that you have had to let go for years now. I think also that once you hear something from the state and then SSDI that will also help. It is a time thing and waiting and waiting. All these things have to be bothering you. Not being able to know you have a check coming every month that you can depend on.

I think that just shutting down for a while is what you need to do and just being for a while is okay. You don’t have to be there for long but give yourself permission to do that just for now. Maybe getting rest and just being for you is what you need to do right now. Let the world go and think of sabby for once. If you do not take care of you, how can you keep taking care of anyone else? Building back up your strength is so important. Without allowing yourself permission to take care of you is just adding to more of your already stress that you are dealing with.

There is nothing wrong with just being and just taking care of you for a while. I know that you have shut down before for a while and it gave you a chance to allow yourself space and time to figure out what you wanted to do, where you wanted to go next. Sometimes just saying no to everyone around is okay. Saying no is not forever, it is just for a time, a time you really need right now. I think that once you allow yourself some time to rest and build yourself back up then you will find it easier to take the next step and do all the things you have to do. Even just a few days of taking care of you can give you a new perspective and outlook and ability to do what needs to be done.

When we run ourselves in the ground without giving us what we give and tell others, we do not leave us any room to think and to figure out what it is we want or need to do. Constantly going you are only hurting you and because you are important and only you know what you need for yourself, I believe that our depression and stress only grows when we do not take care of us. It only sets us up to feel worse, and it feeds that feeling of depression and the farther down we go the harder it is to see how to get out. Yes, you have always been able to work through things and get through it, but sometimes we just need to stop and then we can think and get a clearer picture of what will help us.

It is hard to know what will help us when we are not allowing ourselves time to think and look at where we are so we can then figure where we want to go. When things happen so fast we just react and do what we need to do and eventually that wears at us and I know that when I do not have time to think and to build me back up I feel lost and not sure what will help me or what it is I really want. I know that you used to do volunteer work that you loved. Maybe that is something that you can look into when you know what you are going to have coming in and it can be a way for you to give back as I know that giving often helps us.

But you cannot expect yourself to be able to do anything or think clearly until you allow yourself time to rest and build you back up. It is hard to allow ourselves to do that when everything seems to be pulling at you to do this or that. But as you have told me many times, I need to take care of myself and rest or I will get sicker and unable to do anything. And I know it is hard for you to need so much as you have always been able to provide for yourself. But sometimes there too, you have to let go and let others give back to you for in that it helps others and maybe it is what they are to do. I struggled with that you know, but sometimes in not accepting we are robbing someone else of a blessing and a chance to do for someone what was once possibly done for them.

Sabby, you are a wonderful, loving, and giving person, who right now needs to listen to herself and allow herself to just be and rest. Not for ever but just for a few days. It could allow you to get a new perspective and plan. I am glad that I could give you a place to live, just as you did for me years ago. This is your home and a place that you can just be and finally have privacy and your things once again. I really think that once you get your things set up it will make you feel better. I do validate how you feel and I know it is so hard. But it is not forever. Things will get better and you once again will thrive on what makes you happy, you will find your place again, and I know you, you will be okay.

This is a setback right now, maybe a time God wants you to reflect on what it is you want, and as you figure that out, rebuild your strength, and allow you to take care of you, I really believe you will calm down, stop procrastinating so much, and once again gain control over your life. I know your anxiety is high but it is no wonder with all you are going through and have been now for a long while. Just know that you are so cared about and that you are being heard. I am not sure if this helps but I hope that it will even a little. Please keep posting as you can and know that you are not alone.

Everything you are going through right now would make anyone feel the things you are feeling. Just listen to yourself for you know you best and you are a strong person who I believe in. I know right now you are struggling and I am really sorry, but I believe that you will be okay again. Just know that you are loved and being stood by through this time. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts my friend. Always.

dps

[notz]

No words...just massive hugs.

[shezbut]

Yikes, sabby!

I can relate to your difficult time dealing with pain and hoping that SS will come through. Some times, SS just seems to take their sweet time at making necessary decisions that we rely upon! I hate that!

I do know that the process is difficult due to all of the paperwork, rules, and regulations. SSI/SSDI always seems to have more and more of those things as time passes, trying to catch the stinkers "using the system". Just try to take one day at a time, and trust that the system will be there for you. Maybe not tomarrow...but they'll be there eventually. Just hold onto that small faith.

(((hugs)))

[sabby]

Thanks so much everyone!

I'm still struggling. I know that what dps said is right, but I find it so hard to allow myself to shut down for a few days and just 'be'. That's just not who I've been in my life, I've always just kept going and fighting and doing. But I know that over the past year and a half, things have become progressively worse.

It's like this never-ending circle of feeling guilty for doing nothing especially when my mind tells me I need to get things done, be on top of everything like I used to be able to be 98% of the time. So, when I do try to give myself time to just 'be', the guilt is so strong and after a few hours of doing nothing, I'm up doing things again and dealing with issues (personal ones), and it hurts both physically and mentally.

I'm thinking of calling our community mental health agency and find out if they will provide me with some therapy. I don't want this to get worse than it is now. I've been thinking about this for awhile now, but as usual, I procrastinate to the n'th degree. Sometimes I just want to smack myself in the head and see if that helps......*sigh*

Again, thank you one and all for your support and ideas. You have no idea how much I appreciate all of you!

[Nammu]

Hugs and best thoughts your way.

[roads]

Oh, Sabby, hugs galore & please know how sadly, painfully familiar your struggles seem. I've been talking Cymbalta for nearly 2 decades and gabapentin until side effects eventually drove me off that. Not fibro, long story ... I just recently started discussing a mutual, overwhelming problem "getting things done" with another PC member ... strongly reminiscent of what you term "typical procrastination." I don't just put things off ... it's more like having a straitjacket on my mind. My therapist says that it's more than procrastination ... & we're beginning to work on it.

I am so sorry for all you are going through. Shez has good advice ... don't give up on the system, keep working at it its way. I felt blessed to discover that I was bipolar, because the treatment for that has worked! Yeah, I know ... sounds silly. Try to find/get a therapist. Or a pdoc. I have a good team helping me. And they do help. We're like a strong rope, intertwined & pulling together. Day by day, we're getting further along the path.

We each do it alone but with company. That's what makes it possible for me.

Roadie

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((sabby))))

Just wanted you to know that you are continually in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep posting and reaching out. You are cared about more than you know. I hope you can make that call, you deserve to get the help you are needing. I am sorry you are going through so much and I know it is so hard. But I believe in you and know things will get better, just give yourself permission to do what you need to do, to feel what you need to feel, and know it is okay. Please take care of you. You are so loved. Sending many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps