[tinytin]

I've turned into a bona fide shut-in. Around this time last year I quit school and started hiding in my room for most of the day. I was doing well and all but I didn't have passion for my degree don't know what I want to do with my life at all. Though I feel very sorry for my parents and want to get better it's very hard to actually get up and do something about it.

I've been told that I was easy to get along with but never had any close friends that I could confide with. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I've been molested as a kid, it happened for months on end but I didn't have a breakdown or anything while it was happening, it was more of a dirty secret and affected me more after it was over and done with. Never told anyone what happened to me and was childishly convinced I'd die of AIDS before age twenty, things like that. Maybe it's this thought of "haha, I"ll never have future" that's messed me up.

I'm 22 now, probably depressed, I might have been for the most of my life. It's not exactly normal to think "I'll kill myself after this-or-that happens" since childhood, right?

But I've never followed through and it didn't seem serious, more like idle thoughts really. I thought I'd get through life normally until about four years ago when I also quit going to school. My parents found out (they seriously deserve better, but for some reason they've been very chill about me except for occasional outburst from my dad to the tune of "what the heck are you doing with your life") and allowed me to go to another university, things were fine until last year I quit again.

I probably, no, definitely need a psychologist but they're thin on the ground here (not to mention expensive) and I don't want to tell anyone this in person.

But it's been hard to keep going recently, suicidal thoughts have been at an all-time high (never seriously planned anything though) and I've been prone to randomly crying when alone.

I have been offered a part-time job, starts in five days but I've been dragging my feet with the requirements. It's not like I don't want to, I just can't muster up the energy somehow.

Sorry for being long-winded, and thanks for reading so far. Any suggestions on how to make this better?

[Miswimmy1]

I'm sorry for all you have been through

I think the best solution would be to work with a therapist who has been taught how to deal with depression and possible post traumatic stress disorder. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of strong emotions that you don't quite know what to do with. They would be great at assisting you with that.

[tinytin]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

I'm sorry for all you have been through

I think the best solution would be to work with a therapist who has been taught how to deal with depression and possible post traumatic stress disorder. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of strong emotions that you don't quite know what to do with. They would be great at assisting you with that.

I'm not sure there are any in my area. We're not that advanced, and even if there were therapists I think they would be too expensive for my parents right now.

Another problem is that I find it very difficult to talk face-to-face. I've wanted to tell my parents for so long but I just can't, and when those moments pass I feel ashamed of myself.

I'm a bit of a coward, really, and hate to lose face.

But thank you so much, it's been a relief to be able to tell people about this, over a distance.

[hidesad]

Hi tiny tin. You are not alone. Stay strong. I had very similar experience in my twenties and I understand your pain.

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[hidesad]

Hi i read your post earlier and I was just sitting here thinking about your situation. I think you are taking the right steps posting on the site. Like you said. You are not feeling comfortable yet talking in person. Take small steps which you are comfortable with. I've been going thru a real bad stretch of crying spells. Fortunately my insurance gives me a hotline to a licensed therapist. I spent Sunday for an hour crying on the phone to a total stranger who I probably will never meet in person. That sort of option would probably be good for you. Keep your eye out for a hotline in which you could talk on the phone. It may ease you into talking in person.

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[jelly-bean]

Hi Tinytin, I am so glad that you found this site and are posting. It does help to get things "out in the open" even if it's on-line. I was thinking that since you mentioned sexual abuse, you might want to go to the abuse forum to post there as well. You may find support and understanding there for that part of your trouble. Keep Posting! By the way, good luck with the job that I hope you find the energy to go to. Maybe it's just the break you need.

[tinytin]

Thanks everyone! Unfortunately something else has happened, not sure if it's related to this but I might really have to scour our city for a therapist now. Actually, I might do that anyway.

So, that thing about dragging my feet through the requirements? Yeah. My dad woke me up in the morning; he was angry, and disappointed, and his patience with me was wearing very thin, and he made that rather plain. A little later my sight blacked out. It came back after a few seconds, but that was... very unsettling.

Is that some sort of stress response or was it just due to being woken up quickly, something like that?

He should really know about me, feel very guilty for various things, but I haven't opened up to him or my mother at all.