Struggling to live with myself

I'm really hoping that through posting my situation, someone will be able to give me some tips on how to start feeling better.

I had an official diagnosis of depression earlier this year. I feel I'm at the end of my tether and have had enough.*
I found my negative moods growing more intense which led me to go to see a doctor who officially diagnosed me with depression. However I would say that I've felt like this in milder form for far longer.

I've been prescribed medication several times but have chosen to not take it or to stop part way through, idiotically, including Zoloft/ Sertraline. I guess I thought I could get better by myself. I am now on day 5 of Prozac/ Fluoxetine which I am taking for the first time.

Also, I am beginning to be concerned that I have something else, borderline personality disorder, although I think that the utility of being labelled is questionable. I find myself swinging between moods, often very intensely. These can seem irrational - when someone asks me what's wrong I often cannot justify them! These intense lows and my resistance to accepting help*are responsible for destroying a relationship with someone I love very much.

I've been known to be impulsive, sometimes I overeat and purge, not on a regular basis but when bored or emotional I eat to make myself feel better but then become afraid of getting fat. I have contemplated suicide but would never actually do it as it would hurt my parents too much.
I crave friendship and intimacy but when I think about it I realise I am not good at maintaining that many friendships.*I make big, bold and exciting plans but often struggle to have the self-assurance to actually see them through.*
I really don't like myself all that much.

I don't know what I'm asking for- tips for coping, perhaps. I feel very lonely.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly about yourself and about life. I wish I were full of wisdom and tips for you. It sounds to me, though, like you have not really accepted that you DO have a problem because you keep quitting your meds. You also say you binge and purge from time to time when you are low to make yourself feel better. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to start accepting that there is a problem and that you are working on it. Feel good about the fact that you are trying to get better and maybe you will feel better about yourself. Good Luck to you and keep posting.

You're right, I am only just starting to believe there is something wrong. My justification before was that nothing traumatic or even very difficult has happened to me, which I know is ridiculous basis to say nothing is wrong.
My partner recently left me, couldn't stand seeing me sad and felt he couldn't trust me to try to get better. I keep thinking about all of the times I got upset when he was there. I can't explain why I was upset now, they were feelings of emptiness, so really I was being selfish and weak. I really love him, I've let him down and I don't know what to do.

I know its all very hard and one needs lots of inner strength to cope with such circumstances. specially at times when one feels sick and tired. The suffering person finds many reasons to quit and lose himself in the hands of any disease.
First take a deep breathe, YOU ARE ALIVE, and you deserve to be happy, its just the first step which is difficult to take,once you take the first step towards your self empowerment the whole journey will automatically be transform into a wow experience, so easy and full of happiness. You have inner strength, you have all the tools within to attract happiness into your life, its just that some people don't know how to use those tools.

Ask yourself, do you really want to change your condition?
Do you really want to welcome happiness into your life?
If the answer is Yes, then i can assure you no one can stop you from getting and being what you want.
And if the answer is No, then no one can help you, no medicine and no Psychologist or Psychiatrist.

PS: Depression is an addiction, sometimes we cry and whine and tell others that we are not good, but at the same time we also don't want to get out of this state, we develop the habit of crying every now and then. I know this all because i had also been diagnosed with clinical depression, had a bad experience, but i thank my illness, because It made me what I am now, a healthy, positive being and a motivational writer and speaker

KEEP THE SPIRITS HIGH and cheers

My partner also left me, partly due to my depression. I was so deep in my own hole that I couldn't see how I was dragging her down. She also has been depressive in the past, so she knew that she couldn't "fix" me and that I had to take some steps myself. I wasn't, and it finally got to be too much for her. She did the healthy thing and left.

I have to remind myself that she actually did this out of a place of deep caring and genuine concern. Just remembering that has given me some strength to continue, and I've stopped beating myself up every day over losing her. I'm still intensely sad about it sometimes, but I'm trying to use the experience to become a better person. I hope you can, too.

This is sad "Chuckleberry" and since I've been there I wanted to help too. The biggest key to the right support from a partner is understanding. Find some information on Depression and you both need to read it. Then when you all are done, ask your partner point blank if they can handle the symptoms and not take them to heart when they bring you down. If your partner stays, then they love you enough to try; if not, then your not doing yourself any good by focusing on "what if". Hope all this has been helpful

More than a few people are experiencing or have experienced or will be experiencing the emotions you share. And many of them find the best ways to help their particular situation. The difficult for me is to break the patterns of behaviors that get my negative feelings from doing the necessary things to become happy and optimistic. You are not alone here at PC.
(((Chuckleberry)))

Hi Chuckleberry ~ I also felt as you do years ago. When I began to feel really bad, I sought out therapy. I went to several sessions, and the therapist sent me to my doctor for medication! So I went to the doc, and was put on an antidepressant and went back to the therapist. After more sessions, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I've seen many therapists/psychiatrists and they've all agreed. So I'll be on medications for the rest of my life. It took me awhile to come to grips with that, but since it's a "medical" necessity I guess there's nothing I can do about it. It's also hereditary, so thanks to my family. Trouble is, I gave it to my son.

Why not try therapy? It has done me a world of good, and it will help you too, I'm sure!! if I were you I'd see a good psychiatrist - perhaps find one thru word of mouth, or one that you have found rated on-line. You can also interview them before going for sessions. That way you can determine if you feel you'd "click" or not with them.

I do think you'd benefit from therapy and hope you'll try it. I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you for all of your responses, they are helping me to begin to put things into perspective.

The situation with my boyfriend is not salvageable, he has cut himself off emotionally from me. It's almost like talking to a different person, it's so heart-breaking. He could not handle seeing me upset and could no longer feel he could trust me to get help, although he does admit that he didn't encourage me enough to seek help. He is prone to depression himself, and although he understands what it feels like which helped me initially, his coping strategy involves ignoring his feelings and keeping himself busy until the emotions fade, a tactic which never would work with me.
Although he is willing for us to talk, he has made it clear that we can only ever be friends as he will not put himself in the position he was in again. I completely respect and understand his decision. I couldn't put him through it again.

I will continue with my meds and seek therapy/counselling. There is a problem, but I know that I don't want to waste my life.
The more I realise that I desperately want to feel good about myself. I feel selfish and self-centred to even say so, thank goodness it's anonymous... How can I do this?

How can you do what, my dear? Seek help? Seek help without feeling self-centered and selfish? Why would you even feel that way? Aren't you deserving of a good life, and if not, why? Aren't you deserving to be happy and if not, why?

You are obviously a well spoken, kind, loving woman -- we can see that by your concern and caring for your boyfriend. So you certainly are NOT self-centered and selfish!! Probably if it were up to you, and he wanted it differently, you wouldn't even SEEK help, right? But such is not the case, so you NEED to seek therapy so please do so. You deserve to feel "normal" (whatever that is ) and you deserve to feel loved and cared for by someone without issues. You deserve a GOOD LIFE!!!

Find a good therapist, and get started with therapy. You won't regret it. I have been in therapy most of my adult life -- I'm not in now -- I "graduated." But it was well worth the years I spent and I advise you to get started, and hopefully you won't have to spend long in therapy. God bless and take care -- and let us know of your progress. Hugs, Lee

Thanks for your support :-)

The question I meant to ask was how can I start to feel good about myself? I keep kicking myself for what has happened, despite knowing that the past is the past and cannot be changed. Knowing how I should see the situation is very different to actually being able to think and act in a way that allows me to feel good.

I have booked a therapy session, unfortunately that will not happen for another month though.