[two sons]

Hi everyone,
It's very difficult for me to post here. I'm probably 30 years older than most others on this sight. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years and my psychologist tells me that it's hard for me to get "better" due to having avoidant personality disorder.

The problem is....I don't "want" to get "better". Hopelessness completely overwhelms me most of the time. Today I am so tired and keeping my eyes open is nearly impossible.

Sorry to be so negative.

[notz]

Age is somewhat relative here, it runs the gamut. I'm 59 and there are others older than I. Focus on the subject matter and you'll be pleasantly surprised!

[underwhelmed]

I am also older than most everyone on this site. Like you, I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Don't apologize for being negative. It is better that you talk it out here. You say that you don't want to get better. It is your hopelessness that tells you that you don't want to get better, not the fact that you really want to stay sick. We all want to be better. We want different lives. But we are handed a set of circumstances in life and either equipped or ill-equipped to deal with them. I wish I had an answer for you, but I do not have one for myself either. I am sinking deeper into depression despite all of the medications that I have tried for decades. It is sad that we all come here to express our frustration because we cannot turn our lives around. Why is that? There are those that deal with life no matter what problems they face. But we have mental diseases and we suffer the consequences. I know that this reply is not uplifting, but nevertheless I wish you well and hope that you can take some steps to make a recovery from your pain and difficulties. We have to try something different if we are to move towards recovery. We do not deserve the pain.

[regretful]

Welcome...I know the feeling well...If it wasn't the depression, it was the anxiety...it's less intense now, but still there. I avoided medication and therapy because I thought, being a mental health professional, that I could heal myself. But after years of avoiding both, I started medication and therapy. I did not, and have not, gotten "better", but I am on my way to being "well" (in my opinion). I found some things to grab onto for "hope" and as the medication and therapy began to take effect, the "hopelessness" has diminished. Don't get me wrong, it comes up at times...I just rely on support to get me out of that rut. By the way, I'm in my late 40's (well on my way to 50)...

[two sons]

Thanks so much everyone for your support. My youngest son is a senior in high school, and right now I can't wait for him to graduate. In my mind, that is when I can be done with this life. I often ask my psychologist at what point does a person quit trying?

[Leed]

Hi Two Sons and I've been where you are. It's miserable, and I thought I was going to just give up and float away. But I'm Irish and too darn stubborn. I'm 63 and have been depressed siince I was a small child. My parents didn't notice cause they were too busy getting drunk.

I didn't get into therapy until I was in my early to mid 20's and I didn't find a really GOOD therapist until I was in my 40's. I was tryiing to think this morning when it was that I found her -- I'd been thru so many therapists, and I was actually SEXUALLY MOLESTED by a therapist!!!! Can you believe that? I was so messed up in the head at the time that I didn't realize what was going on -- and ended up in a mental hospital afterwards. After he molested me (no rape) he told me he was going to quit therapy and go sit on a mountain and meditate. Boy what a NUT! He's the one who needed therapy, not me! LOL

Please don't give up. Life is certainly worth living, and you have years ahead of you where you will watch your boys marry & have kids of their own --- you CAN'T miss that! Grandchildren are Gods gift -- unless you have a bratty one like mine.

Please take care of yourself and keep me posted?? You can private message me if you want to talk. I'd be honored if you'd feel like talking awhile. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee