[LostInThought92]

Hello,
My name is Erin.
I have been dealing with depression most my life. I have plenty of ups and downs and right now is definitely a down. I just feel so alone and I don't want to do anything and everytime I try to go out of my way to talk to someone they ignore me or I am only wanted around when it is convenient for the other person.

Relationships:
I keep finding weird messages on my boyfriend's Mocospace.
I love him more than I am ever able to understand, but sometimes I don't feel like I get his all. I know he loves me but I just can't feel ok about anything ever. I find myself hacking into his profiles constantly and second thinking everything he says. I am paranoid and scared he will leave me or worse that I will run him off.

My parents seem to just want to control me and I might be 20 but they treat me like I am 5. No matter what I do it is wrong. No matter what I feel ... I am being dramatic...

I just want to feel Okay again...

[Leed]

Hi dear Erin and Welcome! Oh gosh, I know how you feel. I've been depressed since I was a small child. I dont' remember EVER feeling "normal" (whatever that is). And I don't have any friends -- unless like you, they want something from me. Those arent "friends."

Do you REALLY have reason not to trust your boyfriend? Does he disappear for a day or so and you can't contact him? What kind of weird messages are you talking about that you find? Are they from girls? Does he act guilty whe you find them? Does he get mad?
Unless yiou have REAL proof that your boyfriend is cheating, let up on him. Don't accuse him of something unless you have real proof or you WILL drive him away.

As far as your parents, why not sit them down and ask them if they would PLEASE start considering you as an adult? Tell them that you have had to make your own decisions for awhile now, and that you don't like being treated like a 5 yr old. Be nice and loviing when you talk to them, but make it clear you want to be treated as an adult. I'm sure they will understand. Sometimes parents forget that their kids DO grow up.

Are you seeing a therapist now? If not, it might be a good time to. If you cannot afford it, or if your parents can't, go see Social Services and see what their Mental Health services can offer. Are you in school? Your College has a counselor. Talk with him/her. That's what they're there for.

I wish you the very best Erin and will you please let us know how you're doing from time to time? If you get into therapy, let us know please? And keep posting cause it will do you good. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[LostInThought92]

Thank you so much for your concern and advice.
I am seeing a therapist or was... just got too lazy to make appointments... I just don't feel worth anything sometimes.

As for my boyfriend he has cheated before and I have found sexual messages on his mocospace. I am scared he will do it again... I only stay with him because I know he cares for me. We are best friends and we have a wonderful time together. I just couldn't see my world without him. I love him and I know he loves me.

Also, I will try my best to keep posting.

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi dear Erin and Welcome! Oh gosh, I know how you feel. I've been depressed since I was a small child. I dont' remember EVER feeling "normal" (whatever that is). And I don't have any friends -- unless like you, they want something from me. Those arent "friends."

Do you REALLY have reason not to trust your boyfriend? Does he disappear for a day or so and you can't contact him? What kind of weird messages are you talking about that you find? Are they from girls? Does he act guilty whe you find them? Does he get mad?
Unless yiou have REAL proof that your boyfriend is cheating, let up on him. Don't accuse him of something unless you have real proof or you WILL drive him away.

As far as your parents, why not sit them down and ask them if they would PLEASE start considering you as an adult? Tell them that you have had to make your own decisions for awhile now, and that you don't like being treated like a 5 yr old. Be nice and loviing when you talk to them, but make it clear you want to be treated as an adult. I'm sure they will understand. Sometimes parents forget that their kids DO grow up.

Are you seeing a therapist now? If not, it might be a good time to. If you cannot afford it, or if your parents can't, go see Social Services and see what their Mental Health services can offer. Are you in school? Your College has a counselor. Talk with him/her. That's what they're there for.

I wish you the very best Erin and will you please let us know how you're doing from time to time? If you get into therapy, let us know please? And keep posting cause it will do you good. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[jelly-bean]

You are not alone while you are here. All of us are dealing with depression and can relate to what you are feeling. If I were you, though, I'd lose the boyfriend. You know he has cheated before and he will again. If there is no trust the relationship has a major problem. The stress and worry over him is not good for you either. It just increases the depression. Leed nailed the parents thing and it's good advice. Good Luck sweetie.

[LostInThought92]

Thank you for your advice and sweet words

Originally Posted by jelly-bean

You are not alone while you are here. All of us are dealing with depression and can relate to what you are feeling. If I were you, though, I'd lose the boyfriend. You know he has cheated before and he will again. If there is no trust the relationship has a major problem. The stress and worry over him is not good for you either. It just increases the depression. Leed nailed the parents thing and it's good advice. Good Luck sweetie.

[Kingsley85]

What I hear from your posts is that there is more internal struggle and doubt that is manifesting itself in your outward expression. What I mean to say is you sound really concerned that your boyfriend might leave you. Now I think this is normal but you also have to believe that even if that happened your life would go on. Yes, it would be painful but in time you will hopefully believe that you would be ok. I just hear a lot of internal emotional struggle in your message although I might be wrong, if I am I'm sorry just ignore me :-)

You said you want to feel okay again and I believe you! You would not have posted your message if you didn't want to feel better and get well. You are not lazy or being dramatic! There are many reasons you might not be seeing your therapist lately. For example he/she might not be a good match for you. Or maybe talking with them brings out a lot of internal emotional pain. Or, and this might be most likely, you are just too depressed to do the things you need to do. Sometimes our sub conscious can explain a lot of what we do.

I think seeing your therapist, or even a new one if your current one isn't helping, would be the best thing to do. Make the appointments before you leave so you don't have to contact them again to set something up. That way you can consistently see someone.

I don't know your parents but they might be trying to control you out of love. Maybe they are concerned about you but they don't know how to help or what to do so they end up trying to control you which ends up to be exactly what you don't need. I think talking with them would help, explain what you need them to do for you so they know how they can help.

Hang in there and update us on how you are doing. It sounds like you know a lot of things about yourself that are causing trouble for you. I think that shows you are very insightful, a lot of people can't see what is causing them difficulties. Give yourself credit for this.