[James0805]

I'm James. I'm 42, male, never married-my younger sisters are married with children and have men with stable careers like a teacher. I have my AA but never finished college to get my BA like my sisters. I feel like an underachiever and a loser and not really a man. I take meds and they help but not totally. I have been with depression for over 10 years. I am just a cashier at a thrift store. I've only had dead end jobs, never a career. I don't like cashiering. It's boring. I despair about finding a job I would like to do.

[Tsuki632]

Originally Posted by James0805

I'm James. I'm 42, male, never married-my younger sisters are married with children and have men with stable careers like a teacher. I have my AA but never finished college to get my BA like my sisters. I feel like an underachiever and a loser and not really a man. I take meds and they help but not totally. I have been with depression for over 10 years. I am just a cashier at a thrift store. I've only had dead end jobs, never a career. I don't like cashiering. It's boring. I despair about finding a job I would like to do.

Having high achieving family can be hard to deal with. My sister is perfect, with the perfect education, family, life, wonderful musician, the student every teacher loved, etc... I know that's not actually true. She has her faults, has worked really hard for what she has and I still can't stop comparing myself to her. I'm starting to get better at not doing it but I have a long way to go. I also started to realize what my strengths were and focus on them.

What program was your AA for? What exactly is an AA, we don't have those here.

I'm a big advocate of the "Strong Interest Inventory" You can find it online for a fee, or my therapist gave it to me. You answer a heck of a lot of multi choice questions about your likes and dislikes. Then your answers are compared to the answers of people who like their jobs. That's how I found my career. Going back to school was hard, but the best thing I ever did. I knew I had to get out of retail. . . it wasn't for me, but my manager and friend did retail all her life and was happy.

Do you like retail at all? Could you find a job somewhere where you could get on a management track? The 'Y' here has free career counselling, is there anything like that in your area that might help you figure out what you want to do?

My job isn't as fancy, respected, or as high paying as my sister's, but I LOVE it. It doesn't hurt that she can't do her job with out the people who do mine. My partner drives a dump truck and sometimes a snow plow and is in danger of getting laid off at any time, but he's happy and he loves it.

I know it's easier said than done, but please try to stop comparing yourself to your sisters and brothers-in-law, it serves no purpose and makes you miserable. You are your own person with your own strengths and value. How you make money does not define who you are. I'm still working on that one too. . . . I'm even starting to believe it most days.

You are not a loser. You have achieved things in your life that many people haven't. Many people weren't able to finish high school let alone post-secondary. Not everyone is cut out for university, I'm not. There are worthwhile careers and jobs that don't require a BA. There are two streams to get the education for my job, one includes uni, the other doesn't but we all get paid the same, perform the same duties, have the same level of competence and my patients would never know the difference. . . we all passed the same national exam.

As for never being married. . . .I've been to over 20 weddings and this past weekend was the first time I've ever had a date to take and we're almost the same age. The only difference is that I'm female and well-intentioned people are reminding my about my bio clock There is still plenty of time for family if that is important to you. There is also plenty of time to find the career you never knew you wanted. Have faith, and if you can't, let someone else have it for you.

Meds are helpful for depression, but they can't do it all. I have to tweak or change mine every couple of years. And I don't do well if I don't talk to my doc or therapist every few weeks. Depression sucks, and makes life harder than it is for others, but it doesn't have to stop you from getting what you want, just makes you be more creative.

What do you like to do? Not to make money, but to pass the time?

Strength
v

[Leed]

James, you are NOT a loser, for Pete's sakes. Jeez, you at least have a job, and what's wrong with cashiering? If you put your mind to it, you could eventually end up Manager of that store. Yes you COULD. Just make sure you're always on time, don't all in for dumb reasons, and work hard! They'll see your efforts, and one day put you iin the Managerial position! Just wait and see!

And please don't compare yourself with yoru siblings. We're all different. My sister went on and got her Masters degree, while I never went to college at all. I was an Optician for 15 years before I became disabled. Before that it was just secretarial work. Big deal. But I do NOT compare myself with her because I;m different. I just could NOT handle college even if I could have gone!

Just stay in AA -- stay SOBER and you'll find your life will take on new meaning. I promise you that. And you're depressed, so you SHOULD seek therapy. If you can't afford therapy at LEAST see your medical doctor. Are the meds you're taking for depression? If they are, it sounds like they're not working very well. Tell your doctor they may need adjusting cause you're still depressed. Have a talk with him, ok? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Tsuki632

I'm a big advocate of the "Strong Interest Inventory"

That's an excellent suggestion. With that, I recommend you take into account the fact you have to manage depression and the other problems you mention in your profile. Alongside such an interest inventory, a good human counselor, one who understands the nature of illness management, should be able to recommend a range of realistic options.

One of the worst thing about depression is that it clouds our vision and suppresses our imaginations. It's valuable to seek assistance with such things.

Just for Reference: AA (here) = Associate of Arts degree

Originally Posted by James0805

I'm James. I'm 42, male, never married-my younger sisters are married with children and have men with stable careers like a teacher. I have my AA but never finished college to get my BA like my sisters. I feel like an underachiever and a loser and not really a man. I take meds and they help but not totally. I have been with depression for over 10 years. I am just a cashier at a thrift store. I've only had dead end jobs, never a career. I don't like cashiering. It's boring. I despair about finding a job I would like to do.

Hi James Welcome to the site. First thing you should do is take that loser label off. Second thing is to find out what you want and how to get it. If having a career is your concept of success then you have time for that. You have an AA. Halfway to a BA. Make a list of career interests & what it would take to achieve them. Then make a list of your talents and aptitudes and cross reference the lists and see what kind of matches you get. Once you decide on a career then make a plan on how to achieve it.
I know I'm making it sound easier than it is.

[TerryL]

A few months ago, on an especially down day, I had to go to Walmart for something. The cashier lady was so genuinely nice and took time to try to help me with my questions. I started to tear up. She had no idea the kind of day I had been having but she made it a little better.

[clouds_and_sun]

Originally Posted by James0805

I'm James. I'm 42, male, never married-my younger sisters are married with children and have men with stable careers like a teacher. I have my AA but never finished college to get my BA like my sisters. I feel like an underachiever and a loser and not really a man. I take meds and they help but not totally. I have been with depression for over 10 years. I am just a cashier at a thrift store. I've only had dead end jobs, never a career. I don't like cashiering. It's boring. I despair about finding a job I would like to do.

Hi James
I am like you in many ways, but I am a female and I am going to be 40 next year. Never married or I have never been in love. I hate a hard time making friends and keeping them.
I hope that you will find a job that you like and very soon. Don't give up hope

[newtus]

i feel for you.

im 22 - female.

my sister has a masters and her jobs keep getting better and better.

i barely have any college at 22. my sister had her bachelors by 22. had a job and lots of friends. shes probably soon to get married and theres been wedding after wedding in my extended family. if she gets married then im the last of the cousins to not be married. seriously (and theres a lot of them!).

at the end of the day i just think - "well am i doing what i WANT to do in life or am i getting what i want at least?".

if i can honestly answer - even after having no friends right now and no boyfriend and no education - then at least i know i can live another day.

i know im young to be thinking about a lot of stuff and while theres still time - it goes by quick.

[James0805]

Originally Posted by George H.

Hi James Welcome to the site. First thing you should do is take that loser label off. Second thing is to find out what you want and how to get it. If having a career is your concept of success then you have time for that. You have an AA. Halfway to a BA. Make a list of career interests & what it would take to achieve them. Then make a list of your talents and aptitudes and cross reference the lists and see what kind of matches you get. Once you decide on a career then make a plan on how to achieve it.
I know I'm making it sound easier than it is.

I don't care for your quote.

[James0805]

Thank you all very much for your kindness and empathy. You have made some wonderful comments. An AA in America is an Associates Degree, a two year community college degree. I have an idea of the field I want to go into, human service. I don't know if I could handle negative tough luck stories with my depression. I think it would bum me out further.

On some level, I do know I do what I want. I am an individualist. I hate our American competitive lifestyle. I am a free spirit and a bit of a hippy. I like living slow and being easygoing. It's tough in our type A country, so puritan and judgemental.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by Leed

James, you are NOT a loser, for Pete's sakes. Jeez, you at least have a job, and what's wrong with cashiering? If you put your mind to it, you could eventually end up Manager of that store. Yes you COULD. Just make sure you're always on time, don't all in for dumb reasons, and work hard! They'll see your efforts, and one day put you iin the Managerial position! Just wait and see!

And please don't compare yourself with yoru siblings. We're all different. My sister went on and got her Masters degree, while I never went to college at all. I was an Optician for 15 years before I became disabled. Before that it was just secretarial work. Big deal. But I do NOT compare myself with her because I;m different. I just could NOT handle college even if I could have gone!

Just stay in AA -- stay SOBER and you'll find your life will take on new meaning. I promise you that. And you're depressed, so you SHOULD seek therapy. If you can't afford therapy at LEAST see your medical doctor. Are the meds you're taking for depression? If they are, it sounds like they're not working very well. Tell your doctor they may need adjusting cause you're still depressed. Have a talk with him, ok? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

He didn't say he was going to AA--he said he has an AA-as in a DEGREE!!!!!!

Originally Posted by James0805

I'm James. I'm 42, male, never married-my younger sisters are married with children and have men with stable careers like a teacher. I have my AA but never finished college to get my BA like my sisters. I feel like an underachiever and a loser and not really a man. I take meds and they help but not totally. I have been with depression for over 10 years. I am just a cashier at a thrift store. I've only had dead end jobs, never a career. I don't like cashiering. It's boring. I despair about finding a job I would like to do.

Hi James, I can totally relate. I am sorry you are feeling low. It's no fun. Especially when you have overachieving siblings and you feel less-then

I hope you will speak with your T to discuss how you are feeling. I found (for me), my Rx can only go so far. Talking with a T seems to really moves things forward when I felt stalled out.

I hope you will concentrate on working on your self-esteem and all the wonderful things / qualities you have to offer.

I, also, understand the feeling of not being challenged. I am currently at a great firm, but I am bored to tears. Literally.

BUT I stay for three reasons (a) with my DXs and everything I've been through, there is no way I would be able to manage working at our firm in a higher level position at this time (or any other firm for that matter). (b) this position affords me the opportunity to focus on T and to do all of my homework, etc so I can get better; and (c) to get out of the house and into the public so I don't start isolating (again).

And I know it's not forever

I wish you the best and hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Rose

[oliamble]

James I hope you don't keep feeling your self like this. I have a degree and I work a job where my educational qualifications do not meet my job description but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not an achiever. On the contrary you should look at it like a job and a place where you can built and perhaps apply for a higher position or enjoy well your job.

Being a cashier (I'm one too part of my job description) doesn't have to demeanor you in any way asking as it pays you a salary and it pays the bills. It's only 8 hrs. After that you can enjoy countless activities where you don't have to even think about your job.

Afterwork, I enjoy my life with my family and kid. I go to do multiple activities, I take my kid to the car, I look up the sky, look at the star and admire such wonderful things out there, like nature. I feed off the breeze of the park we go to, intake deep breaths and try to enhale them as cool breaths of joy. I'm definitely not thinking about my job status right now.

I hope this makes you feel better ok.

[Snowy83]

James I think many people share the same thoughts with you "I don't like my job, I want to do what I love". But guess what? You can use your salaries to buy/do stuffs you like. You can save up money little by little then go do your awesome stuffs, set a goal and do it, it may motivate you more. And education doesn't mean anything, you can still build up a good life without a BA.

[James0805]

Originally Posted by Tsuki632

Having high achieving family can be hard to deal with. My sister is perfect, with the perfect education, family, life, wonderful musician, the student every teacher loved, etc... I know that's not actually true. She has her faults, has worked really hard for what she has and I still can't stop comparing myself to her. I'm starting to get better at not doing it but I have a long way to go. I also started to realize what my strengths were and focus on them.

What program was your AA for? What exactly is an AA, we don't have those here.

I'm a big advocate of the "Strong Interest Inventory" You can find it online for a fee, or my therapist gave it to me. You answer a heck of a lot of multi choice questions about your likes and dislikes. Then your answers are compared to the answers of people who like their jobs. That's how I found my career. Going back to school was hard, but the best thing I ever did. I knew I had to get out of retail. . . it wasn't for me, but my manager and friend did retail all her life and was happy.

Do you like retail at all? Could you find a job somewhere where you could get on a management track? The 'Y' here has free career counselling, is there anything like that in your area that might help you figure out what you want to do?

My job isn't as fancy, respected, or as high paying as my sister's, but I LOVE it. It doesn't hurt that she can't do her job with out the people who do mine. My partner drives a dump truck and sometimes a snow plow and is in danger of getting laid off at any time, but he's happy and he loves it.

I know it's easier said than done, but please try to stop comparing yourself to your sisters and brothers-in-law, it serves no purpose and makes you miserable. You are your own person with your own strengths and value. How you make money does not define who you are. I'm still working on that one too. . . . I'm even starting to believe it most days.

You are not a loser. You have achieved things in your life that many people haven't. Many people weren't able to finish high school let alone post-secondary. Not everyone is cut out for university, I'm not. There are worthwhile careers and jobs that don't require a BA. There are two streams to get the education for my job, one includes uni, the other doesn't but we all get paid the same, perform the same duties, have the same level of competence and my patients would never know the difference. . . we all passed the same national exam.

As for never being married. . . .I've been to over 20 weddings and this past weekend was the first time I've ever had a date to take and we're almost the same age. The only difference is that I'm female and well-intentioned people are reminding my about my bio clock There is still plenty of time for family if that is important to you. There is also plenty of time to find the career you never knew you wanted. Have faith, and if you can't, let someone else have it for you.

Meds are helpful for depression, but they can't do it all. I have to tweak or change mine every couple of years. And I don't do well if I don't talk to my doc or therapist every few weeks. Depression sucks, and makes life harder than it is for others, but it doesn't have to stop you from getting what you want, just makes you be more creative.

What do you like to do? Not to make money, but to pass the time?

Strength
v

I don't know how to not compare myself to others. I'm not trying to be stubborn. I'm serious.