[phillygem]

I feel like I totally messed up my life. Even tho I didn't have a mother around, I could have made better choices ....I don't know maybe its not my fault I'm confused. Drug addict mother, I lived with aunt and uncle, and he physically and mentally abused me...imagine someone slapping your face until your nose bleeds, and only then he would stop...those memories burn thru my soul like fire. Keeping me in the house on punishment for and entire summer because my chores were not done right..When very little my mother's druggy friend sat me on his lap and put his finger in my private part...I was only about 5 but I remember like it was today...so much more bad things. Then I think I was somewhat paralyzed in life, no ambition, negativity follows me around. Thanks for being here to listen ...I'm feeling really bad right now and no one to talk to

[Tsuki632]

Keep typing if you can't talk. Someone might have the right words for you but many others will read your post and feel for you with some understanding. I know what it's like to feel bad.

We all make bad choices. Try to learn from them rather than beating yourself up because of them. As for the abuse you received... it's terrible that we can blame ouselves for the actions of others. I wish there was some way to convince you that that was not your fault and does not make you bad or tainted. It's your life now. You are only responsible for your actions.
Keep talking if it makes you feel better

[phillygem]

Even tho I know some of my past is the reason I'm the way I am now..apart of me feels like I could have done some extra measures to go in a better direction,, although having a baby at 13 kind of held me back...and being on my own since 14...I had a lot to bare. I want so badly to be able to get on meds and feel better ..but I'm a coward to my fear if meds.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. You should join us on Survivors of Abuse and talk some more. There are ALOT of us there. You will be more than welcome to come and post and talk.

It sounds like you really need to talk to someone. You should try to get into therapy too. Most of us have gone into therapy to try to get thru these things and learn how to cope with them. Your medical doctor can refer you to a good therapist. Talk to him and see what he can do for you.

I hope to see you on Survivors of Abuse. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Snowy83]

I can only say I feel for you...maybe one thing to make yourself feel just a little tiny bit of relieved is that while you never have to see that asshole again, mine's were relatives either they are dead or still alive and I need to face him the rest of my life even though he moved outside of the country and only back visiting occasionally, and I have to pretend nothing is wrong.

The bottom line is this my phillygem: You are here, now. You have decided to at least try and have a better life. How do I know this? You are here on this little website looking for answers and trying to get better. Seriously, thanks for having the courage to say something about this. It CAN get better, I promise! God bless you, and also, have you ever tried a gratitude list? It can be hard at first, however with some effort, maybe you can find more and more to be grateful about! Keep your chin up, and keep posting!

[Emotionally Dead]

I can't sympathize with everything you mentioned, because I didn't have some of the things happen that you did. I didn't grow up without a mother completely, but I did grow up most of my teens without a mother. She walked out on us, and I lived with my Grandparents after that. I didn't really ever have a fatherly figure either. My step dad was abusive, though not as bad as you stated, and my real Dad didn't come into my life until I was a teenager and they found him for not paying child support.

So I can sympathize with not having a real parental guidance and also with it turning your life around and making you feel like you failed at life, because I feel like that as well. I didn't use my entire potential. School came easy for me, and I always made straight A's. When my Mom left, I stopped caring. I still made straight A's and B's, but there WERE B's mixed in and I just didn't try anymore. It came too easy for me and I didn't push myself or challenge myself.

Some other things have happened in my life to feel like a failure as well, but I won't get into them. Right now I am not happy with my life but it isn't because I feel like I failed at life, it is because I failed in a relationship. I know how it feels to think you have no one to talk to, but you have come to the right place. Just know there are people here that care, and will help you whenever you need it. If you ever need to talk, drop me a PM. Take care.

[phillygem]

Thank you for your kindness