[walkswithspiritbear]

I am old enough to know that I can't live the Leave it TO Beaver life, but I am really really tired of all the things that go wrong in this ridiculous life of mine. Why is that no matter where I am that everything always seems to fall apart on me? I am just so tired of life being wearisome I want to have some fun again and laugh until the tears run down my cheeks. What happened to those days? I am so isolated from the world and people that I don''t even know what to say to someone when I meet them.. Next weekend there will be a party I think we have to go to and already I am totally stressing about it, I DON"T WANT TO GO!!! What is wrong with me? I am nothing but a total contradiction of myself and it is driving me buggy here... I won't know anyone at this party, my husband will know the majority and then I will get left alone while he plays music with the others who show up with instruments. I just can't deal with any of this, yet I oh heck I don't know Just ranting or something here heck it s not a rant it's not a vent it is a cry for help here. I don't know who or what I am anymore, I have no clue how to talk to another human being besides my man, and even him I have to keep my mouth closed more and more. We spend very little time together anymore, he is very involved in his work and since I can't do much else to support him in life I support his work, and then he always gone. So it is just as much my fault that he isn't here at all... What am I doing? Why am I doing it? I am so lost and so alone and right now have no clue what I am doing... If you have read this far, thank you for at least taking that time for me. Have a good day alright!

[(JD)]

I'm sorry to hear of your frustration. You don't have to go to the party, btw. Really. As adults we get to choose, regardless of what others still consider requirements, we make our own.

I can't ever remember who is in therapy here and who isn't. What you are experiencing, though, therapy can help you with...

I also isolated for a few years. I'm still using PC to relearn social skills. I do much better here than I do IRL, I think.

Time to refocus, regroup. If you drop everything for even a little bit, then determine what you want to pick back up, along with something you must pick back up... you might feel more in control, and thus a little better. TC!

[walkswithspiritbear]

I know I don't have to go to this party BUT if I don't go it is pretty likely my hubby won't or IF he does go because I say go anyhow then I get jealous, this is one sic mind that I just can't seem to get a grip on anymore....
I can't really do the therapy thing right now and when I did it never really helped me, though it did tend to make my life miserable for bringing up situations I have already resolved in my life... why must they always think it is the past that does this. For me it is the now that is doing it.... I gotta go now I feel so frustrated and angry and heck if I know anymore .....

[(JD)]

Maybe if you find something else to do, that you might like (go to a movie?)

Thinking about this </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
the therapy thing right now and when I did it never really helped me, though it did tend to make my life miserable for bringing up situations I have already resolved in my life... why must they always think it is the past that does this

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Nothing that I have "resolved" is a problem anymore. Only those issues that haven't been fully resolved help make my life miserable. Perhaps it isn't the past issues that are problems, but how they affected us, and thus how we incorrectly respond to current issues the same poor way? I know with some things from past, they created a patterning of the brain's response... and it takes therapy to recognize and reprogram (so to speak) the brain.

Stress takes expert help to deal with, imo. Maybe if you find a T that will help you with one current issue at a time? Or even, if you can, work through it with your spouse? IDK. I hope you find some relief soon . TC

it takes a long time for us to get into the depressive states that we experience. it will take work for us to dig out. i agree with Sky that the issues that bother us the most are the ones that aren't fully resolved. i hope you will re-consider therapy. i will keep you in my thoughts. xoxoxo pat

Walkswithspiritbear, I can understand what you're saying about not wanting to go to the party. I feel like that a lot before going to a party but then once I'm there and get warmed up-it's not at all like I thought it was going to be.
Just ask people a lot of questions about themselves if you don't know what to talk about. People love talking about themselves.
Maybe you'll meet a friend.
Can you bring an instument with you that you can play? If not, can't you just join in with singing and clapping? Enjoying your husbands performance? I bet he'd really like your attention and support.
I hope this helps out some. I really understand what you're going through right now-trust me, I've been there. But you'll go and then you'll say to yourself "hmmm, that wasn't that bad at all, why did I make such a big fuss over it?
Hang in there. Hugs!!!!

[walkswithspiritbear]

Hi Jax thank you for responding here. I am extremely self conscious talking with people. For starters I have bad teeth and its real hard to hide that and talk. Then later if I have talked I will hear snide little remarks.. it has happened so many times and I thought these were friends and understood my issues and I was there to be supportive of my man and 99% of the time I would sit alone and that is pretty much how it has been for many years. I can't just get up and start walking around (my health) I can't drink (they will all be doing that and more. It also worries me to go to these parties because of the drugs I do take. I don't tell anyone what I take because I found out then they all want a piece of it.. no way. Anyhow I also have gained so much weight that I have 1 outfit to wear that everyone sees when I do get out and its rather embarassing... okay am I just making excuses to not go.. maybe but I have been in this situation so many times and its no fun to be at a party where you know no one and then sit alone all night long nursing a soda that you don't even like... It is really really hard and I don't know what to do. honestly I feel more frustrated than I ever had. It also scares me that if this party gets busted then there goes my hubbys' career and my meds which are highly watched over. I could just see my doc not believing me when I say I don't do recreational drugs, but everyone else there is except my hubby who also doesn't imbibe in any recreational drugs or even much drinking. Its really frustrating sorry about rambling, I am scared to death here and I am unsure too unsure of myself...... Thanks for caring enough here to even read and answer. Linda