why is life so difficult??? :(

i have no desire for life anymore other then the fact that i have three wonderfull kids i have nothing in this world no true friends not even my husband.sometimes i wonder why im even still on this earth...anyways for about 6 months i have been in a very bad funk i feel like my life is slipping out of control and i cant do nothing to stop it.. and here lately i cant even think straight like everything is a blur,my mind spinning in so many different directions..i will admit i have thought about endin my life so that my husband can find someone to make him happy.we have been married almost 12 years we have never really had much comunication between us but lately everything is gone... or so it seems i have tried talking to my husband and explainin i need affection hell i dont even feel like a woman anymore he treats me like he haves no desire for me he will not listen to me if i try talking to him about anything important or not he answers me then says "huh" i didnt hear you.he is not my friend a friend is someone who is there for you i have thought about conseling but i cant really afford it and i have no insurance but everyday is a struggle anymore i dont want to go out of my house. i hate to see the sun rise as it means another day of pain and suffering like i said i have no desire for life anymore...can anyone tell me if this is what it feels like before u go insane????i know suicide is not the ansewr but it sure seems brighter then the life im living today.

I think that life is difficult for a purpose... as a pupose, there must be some turnaround....

i thnk that if there is a great balancing at the end of all, the smallest act will matter....

difficulty exists for the very purpose of creating strength i think.....

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Please consider carefully before you take such a drastic permanent step. I idealized suicide for years and truly felt I didn't care what happened to me but that my family would be so much better off without me. I was wrong - my family needs me. One thing that really helped me to decide not to try to kill myself was playing the what ifs out with my therapist. She pointed out ot me that many people who attempt suicide do not succeed. Many people who are today paralysed became that way by trying to kill themselves, it was possible I would not be dead but merely crippled, stuck in bed or wheelchair or worse stuck in a body that I could no longer control. I could perhaps do brain damage and never be able to care for myself or any of my family. We touched briefly on what being dead would mean for my family and for the body I would leave behind (yuk!)

It took me a while to work though all this but I realized that I was here for some reason outside of myself and so I decided to do what I needed to do to get healthy. I also found that after seriously considering all this I could not idealize suicide any longer. I don't know if it was part of her plan but I honestly can't just stop and think I wish I was dead cos my mind walks on down the paths we looked at together. Life is a challenge but who wants to life to be boring?

Dalila

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough period. I know what it is like to be in a marraige where there is no love. You feel all alone in your own home. It is an empty, sad and lonely feeling.

These circumstances can create the foundation for depression, which only makes you feel worse. The depression distorts your thinking, your perception... it distorts your whole world. When you have thoughts about suicide it is the depression taking over your mind. I have been there. Bad marriage. Divorce. Loneliness. Isolation. Depression. Thoughts of Suicide. Actually planning and ALMOST going through with suicide.

The depression distorts how you think about your life. The glass is ALWAYS half empty. You can not experience any joy.

I discovered when I admitted myself to the hospital after almost following through with my suicide plan that there were many people worse off than I. People with chronic mental illness that had no support, no one to care.

The only way that you can look at life with a "gladd is half full" mentality is to first get your depression under control. Get to your doctor, get a referral to a psychiatrist or mental health clinic in your area. Get the depression under control first. You will not have the energy to tackle your marriage issues until you have the depression under control.

Once you are feeling better then you can approach your husband and begin addressing the issues in your marriage. Both of you owe it to your children to try and salvage teh marriage. But, you both have to want to try. Going through the motions only prolongs the pain and suffering. Both of you need to be committed to giving it your best shot. With a total of 5 lives on the line I think that it is worth a concerted effort.

I wish you the very best of luck in feeling better and moving forward. You can do it. Try and focus on the blessings in your life and get the help you need.

Noticed a lot of "I's", in your note. Your voice is from your perspective, how about thinking from the perspective of your spouse for a while. Wouldn't it be a shocker if he was feeling the same way? What have you done in the last month to be more of a women, or to get out of the house and cultivate new friends, interests, recreation ..... They won't come knocking at your door unless you go looking for them. Maybe your spose is simply tired of the same old Wednesday night special, and would welcome a couple of changes.

((((((((((( hugs for you, amy )))))))))))))))

You are NOT going insane, but wanted to suggest that maybe talking to a counselar/therapist may be of help.
Also, have you had a physical lately? Hormone imbalances, and slow thyroid function (hypothyroidism) can contribute to you feeling like this, if have not seen your gp for a check up it may be time, so often "physical" things can mess up our minds. I wish you lots of luck, I can relate to your post, sort have been there myself, but was more complicated to really discuss here, but I am happy I went for professional counseling/pdoc help, over a 4-5 year period things have worked out fine for us, we just had our 26th anniversary, and have known each other for 31 years.
sometimes a counselor can help suggest some "opening communication " techniques. There are some organizations, counselors, local mental health department(s) in many towns and counties and/or within your local hospital(s) behavioural health departments that may offer free counseling or payments due on a "slidng scale", so try to persue therapy it can help you through this. Wanting to end your life as you stated is not the answer, besides think of your kids, you do not want to leave them, they love you I am sure.
Please take care now,

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

I had a relative who committed suicide at 39 years of age, and left a note for her son saying, "I will miss you." As if she were going on a trip. It's a distorted state of mind. A permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Go to a doctor and get a prescription for happy pills. They will make you feel better and knock you out of this funk you're in. They won't hurt you either. Don't take them for more than two weeks. When the two weeks is up, you'll be amazed at how good you felt, and it will give you the strength to start appreciating the beauty of your children and the miracle of life. Doctors know about all this secret stuff. Ask him/her.

One time when my marriage plans fell through, and I was really depressed and not caring about anything, I did that. It was like my whole life turned around. I couldn't believe it could be that simple.
And all it took was for me to go to the doctor (a regular doctor) and ask.
He was really nice and gave me something called Dexamyl. He said that was something I couldn't "overdose" on. (This was thirty years ago, so I don't know what they use now for the temporary relief of feeling bad.) But I forced myself to stop at the end of the two weeks, because I didn't want to get hooked or dependent on them.

I had a friend who came back from Vietnam and said, "Life is a gift, even the bad part." I think this is true. Sometimes life is very very hard. The secret is to endure. Because the opportunity for things to be better is just around the corner. Only you can't see around the corner. But it's there. I'm not a professional, or a therapist, this is just my humble opinion, based on a lifetime of ups and downs.

And my Vietnam friend was always having "a good day." And when I asked him why, he would say, "Because today, no one is shooting at me."

Choices, it's all about choices.