[clouds_and_sun]

I am about to end my life. I really am

• I can't afford therapy and I have been on a waiting list now for 4 months to see a therapist with a sliding scale
• I have never been married and I have not been in love, no guy wants me cause I am too sweet and caring, not "like hollywood" at all cause of my sweet face
• I don't drive cause of a phobia so I am stuck at home and cant walk around (not too much to walk around to and it is not too safe here)
• I have only one friend (offline) who works a lot so I hardly see her
• My entire family disowned me cause I don't fit their mold
• I don't have any kids
• I am on my 3 year of food stamps cause i can't work cause of my depression, anxiety and panic disorder
• I don't go to church cause of social phobia and most of them treat me like an outsider cause I am not married. Plus I don't drive so I can't get to one
• Social Security has denied me now for 3 times now cause my pill doctor refuses to write me a letter cause she said she does not do that for anyone.
• Can't even volenter cause of lack of trasportation and motivation cause of my depression

So you can imagine how all of this makes it so hard for me to wake up and want to live, I have nothing to live for.
Nothing to say about my life.
I tried to have an online boyfriend who was a bit older than me, but he abused me by played games with my emotions. He was the only thing that i had to look forward to in my life, he knew it too. But he strung me a long and said sweet nothings and then backed off for no reason.
I want to be dead more than ever so badly. No, I am not suicidal but I want and pray with all my heart that God would just finish me off, the pain of living is too much. I am nothing in this world, I have nothing to say about myself. Why the hell God has me still alive is really dumb and a huge mystery as I have no purpose anymore none! I am just taking up space in this world.
I just don't have the will to live anymore.

[Emotionally Dead]

Wow... It is hard to find the words to say to this. Nothing I say can really help with what you are going through, or change what you are going through. It is a long list of pain and I can understand why it is so difficult for you. Please don't end your life. You are still young contrary to what you think, and you still have time to
urn things around. I know it is easy to want to not live, but is the alternative any better? We don't know what happens when we die, I think I know and hope I know, but I won't really until it happens. We just don't know, and it could be worse than what this is.

I want to start off with the fear of driving. Where do you live? Not specifics, but the reason I am asking is because driving is a big deal in the US and almost a necessity. I have been in the UK, and was planning a move there, so I know over there public transportation is cheap and easily accessible. If you live here, however, I know that PT is a pretty difficult deal. What exactly is your fear of driving? Do you know what caused it? These are things you will have to answer yourself, because doing little things like that would help you a whole lot.

I am not sure about waiting on a T, to me that is a necessity for you. There are some issues you have to work out in order to live a normal life. It starts with baby steps. Once you drive, you could start going to a Church. Once you go to a Church, you could meet a partner (future spouse) that will take care of you and help you through all this. Or, you might just find a friend or someone who knows somewhere you can work. It will help to be sociable, and that will help towards finding you a job. You see? It is little things that will get you where you need to be.

I was in a similar situation at one time, and I just fixed it. Not quite sure how I did it, though I was still young and in my teens. My biggest thing was accepting myself, once I did that others accepted me. I then became outgoing, sociable. That led to getting a job, which led to getting my license. I am still working my way through college but at one point I was so shy, insecure, and afraid of life that I couldn't make a simple phone call to receive information.

Having a therapist would be a big help, though. Your therapist will probably tell you what I am telling you, but will work with you slowly and find the root of all these issues. Have you ever looked up information on homes and such? I know they have like group homes and things, but I don't know much about them. That is another thing that may help.

Your biggest need in my opinion is support. You don't seem to have enough of that. The next would be confidence, which is something else that is a necessity. It is a learned trait though. Other than that I am not sure what else I can say that will help with what you are going through. I do hope you find some more support here, at least, and that other members will have more useful posts than this. Hope things get better for you, and if you ever need to talk drop me a PM. Take care .

[Snowy83]

Hmmm I know nothing I say could make you feel better. But remind yourself THIS - you are healthy, you can see the world, you can walk, so nothing is impossible. Find a way to go to places that are further away from your home, even if you have to get there by WALKING for an hour or more. Nothing is stopping you but yourself. When you can do this, you may be able to work on other problems, like driving or feel motivated to volunteer, not only does it make you feel worthy in this world, not a waste of space, it also helps you making friends with other people.

[Leed]

PLEASE don't think like that. You are a very vital, important part of this world! God put you here for a REASON! What reason? I don't know. Maybe it's to help others online who have the same problems at you do. It might be. Only you can find out what reason it is.

But remember that suicide is a PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. Thiings aren't always going to be like this. Things always change and they will! Please don't despair.

I've been disabled since 1995. The pain is horrible. My spine decided to degenerate. I've had 2 open surgeries, and they failed. Plus i had a spinal cord stimulator implant and that didn't work, so they had to take that out. That caused scar tissue, and boy does THAT hurt. Now I'm degenerating more big time and walking is difficult. Sittiing is even worse. The high point of my day is going to the local store to pick up a few things we might need. It won't be long and i won't be able to do that anymore.

But - life is still good. It's gorgeous outside, the birds are singing & there's a nice breeze. Pretty soon the snow will be falliing. ACK I'm not looking forward to that but that's what I get for living in Michgian.

Look at the GOOD things in life! There ARE good things! And you're one of them. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[Rohag]

((((((( Clouds_and_Sun! )))))))

You may not think you have anything to say about your life, but this

My entire family disowned me cause I don't fit their mold

holds a story, a story that might shed light on the rest of your trials.

But now, right now you are despondent and empty. The best we can offer are words, and our words are poor comfort. Send your words, and we'll notice them...and you.

[alone in the world]

Clouds and Sun,
Thinngs seem to always look worse before they get better. your pain is my pain, I hate driving but have to because I have children, but when I can get some where by walking I do. I also have a estranged family relationship, but I need to address that to move forward. Maybe if you tried to reach out again to family You would get a different response. I know how real the pain is and I wish I could take it away for you. Just remember as some one else said you have a purpose on this earth it just has not been discovered. never give up and remember there is support and love right here on PC.

[James0805]

Originally Posted by clouds_and_sun

I am about to end my life. I really am

• I can't afford therapy and I have been on a waiting list now for 4 months to see a therapist with a sliding scale
• I have never been married and I have not been in love, no guy wants me cause I am too sweet and caring, not "like hollywood" at all cause of my sweet face
• I don't drive cause of a phobia so I am stuck at home and cant walk around (not too much to walk around to and it is not too safe here)
• I have only one friend (offline) who works a lot so I hardly see her
• My entire family disowned me cause I don't fit their mold
• I don't have any kids
• I am on my 3 year of food stamps cause i can't work cause of my depression, anxiety and panic disorder
• I don't go to church cause of social phobia and most of them treat me like an outsider cause I am not married. Plus I don't drive so I can't get to one
• Social Security has denied me now for 3 times now cause my pill doctor refuses to write me a letter cause she said she does not do that for anyone.
• Can't even volenter cause of lack of trasportation and motivation cause of my depression

So you can imagine how all of this makes it so hard for me to wake up and want to live, I have nothing to live for.
Nothing to say about my life.
I tried to have an online boyfriend who was a bit older than me, but he abused me by played games with my emotions. He was the only thing that i had to look forward to in my life, he knew it too. But he strung me a long and said sweet nothings and then backed off for no reason.
I want to be dead more than ever so badly. No, I am not suicidal but I want and pray with all my heart that God would just finish me off, the pain of living is too much. I am nothing in this world, I have nothing to say about myself. Why the hell God has me still alive is really dumb and a huge mystery as I have no purpose anymore none! I am just taking up space in this world.
I just don't have the will to live anymore.

I'm 42 and I feel like I have not done anything much with my life either. The pills I take help me function. You may want to find a new doctor who will write you that note. It is stupid and outrageous that this doctor won't. I have never married or been in love, so I get a little of what you are going through. I sympathize, my heart goes out to you.

[shezbut]

((((Clouds and Sun)))))

What part of the world are you in? There are many agencies that ensure that people are getting the love and care that they need. Have you ever tried contacting suicide support resources?

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
or 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

I can relate to a few of the issues that haunt you ~ lack of family support and friends; I'm 41 years-old, have 2 daughters, which my ex-hub has primary custody of (talk about depressing!! ); I am disabled as well. Physically and emotionally, which can feel pretty hopeless to me at times.

I do recommend that you look more intensely into what your options are. Maybe the doc you're seeing now doesn't feel inclined to approve you for SSI, but that doesn't mean that all doctors would share that same perspective. You Do deserve a better life and better treatment of this debilitating disorder! Keep pushing until you get the assistance that you need. Very best wishes to you ~ gentle hugs sent your way.

[clouds_and_sun]

Thank you all ((hugs)) love you all

[gma45]

I wish I had words to say that would make a difference, but I don't. Just know this you are not alone with those feelings, I feel that way most days. I agree with Leeds though we must try and find the good in things no matter how small----sunshine, flowers blooming, clouds just passing by, birds singing, these things do help me.