[Hopefull]

I talked with T today. The depression word and anti-depressants came up. I am puzzled as to why because I haven't lost my sense of hope in over two weeks. Why did she bring this subject up when I think I have been being more positive in our sessions the last two times. Did I outlast the diagnosis like I thought I might? I don't know why I am having trouble sleeping and cry a lot. But, I don't want to call it depression. My nickname for it is runchy enough. Cry baby from the blue lagoon. Besides, I didn't cry at all during our session today. It's just that I am a negative thinker and always have been (Dysthymic Disorder). So, I can out negative think anyone that I know in real life, of course. Here, you all are just as odd as me. I like that. I mean I can go without crying for a few days. A week just makes my emotions get all stuffed up.
I have even managed to be able to plan a little. I couldn't seem to plan much of anything for awhile. I don't think about the guilt thing to do with my great aunt's death much anymore.
I just hate not knowing what is going to happen at work and the sense of no control over my job. I mean my company is being sold.
School is almost out for the semester though. I do fun things and have fun some. It just doesn't last like normal happy does. But, I am not depressed. I just hate my job, apartment, my tiny weeny collection of friends and my odd tendency to cry a lot. AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
As for anti-depressants, I tend to think if I need to take drugs for my moods then I am really screwed up (please understand that I am not trying to insult any of you). I just don't like to think of myself as a mental patient or something. I have a headache. I know that I tend to share the negative things rather than the positive. Besides, I have never had the positive thinking side go off line like it did. It is back on line now, but not fully functional. My reality testing, negative thinking corrections, positive thinking tricks and regular attempts at fun don't work much. But, I am sure they will soon. Maybe after my company's sell is complete and I get rid of the guilt to do with my great aunt's death. Maybe, I can figure out how to get some friends or something.

hopeful, try to make an appointment with a Pdoc. it sounds like depression to me. it's not a sin to be depressed. it's a world-wide wave! remember the waves at the sporting events?

and listen to your T. i've had the same thoughts as you and i thought that i should "fix myself"....you're sad and you're crying and you want to be happy. that right there is enough to go on. please take care of yourself and find out what to do. love, pat

[Rhapsody]

Dear Hopefull,

From my POV your T probably brought up the subject, for while 2 weeks is good to go without any emotional out burst it is far from being healed.... your T was just making sure that all was still on the up and up and that you were not falling backwards.

As far as the meds go, it does not make one mental to have to be on mood swing medicines, for a lot of mood swings in females are due to hormonal changes (and) combined with past unhealed wounds it becomes enough to make any one feel insane.... I am presently taking Celexa for my monthly mood swings due to PMDD, and I am grateful that I can now live a normal life but once again.... happiness does come in a jar, in the form of a little pink pill - lol.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Hopefull]

I slept like crap last night because I kept thinking about that conversation. It really shouldn't bother like it does since I have been suspecting that I had gotten worse because of the guilt that came out of my black hole of denial to due with my great aunt's death. But, a co-worker told me that I'm always happy. I had to make her repeat it because I couldn't believe that someone would say that about me lately. I mean I cry at work, on the way home from school or work and at the grocery store. Besides, I have an odd "I don't care" attitude that i am afraid might make me late to work. I can't understand why I tend to get stuck like this. I suppose it's because I have always been a negative thinker. I suspect that she will get me with the further questions in the next session because I know it will come up. I don't think I can stand to talk to her again without talking about that and my odd tendency of seeing myself as crazy, mentally ill or mentally weak. I am studying addiction counseling. Yet, I still perceive myself as weak because I developed an compulsive need to talk to a T. I don't want to feel embarrased or humiliated by my strange need to talk to a T. But, I don't know hows come talking to her doesn't have a stronger positive effect. I suspect that is why she said that. Well, I thought I'd ramble a little before bed in the hopes of emptying my mind of its worries in order to sleep better tonight.

[Hopefull]

I get to talk to T in a few days. I look forward to talking to her and dread it at the same time. I don't want her to think I am depressed. I don't want to end up on anti-depressants. But, I probably will because talking isn't quite doing the trick like the last time in college.
Since school is out, I don't have much stress left in my life. But, I can't seem to sleep like a normal person. I was so sleepy today. I managed to not cry for almost two days.
How long will an employer deal with crybabies at work? I always turn into a bit of a crybaby when I stress out at work. But, this is way more annoying than my usual level of crybabyness.
Well, I better get ready for bed. By the way, happy Memorial day. Please let me not cry at work tomorrow.

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((Hopefull)))))))))))))))))))

kd

[(JD)]

(((hugs))) If you are depressed, your T already knows it, imo. Having it said out loud doesn't make it happen nor take it away. I hope you find your T helpful for you.

[Hopefull]

Cried at work as I had hoped I wouldn't. My boss gives all of us too much work. This bugs us. But, it seems to bug me more because it makes me feel guilty to never actually finish my work assignments. I hate guilt. I think T is going to find me rather unpleasant to talk to tomorrow. I hate my job. I hate having trouble sleeping, crying all the time, my odd tendency to loss my sense of hope, my annoying ability to worry myself into headaches, my overly nosey mental health insurance, my ex-boyfriend who calls every evening a little before bed time, my little bitty apartment and my lack of friends (only three counting the ex-boyfriend and someone that I can't talk to because it conflicts with when the ex calls me.) My life sucks. My amazing ability to out negative think even my old self which is hard since I have always out been an extremely negative thinker.
As for her thinking that I am depressed, I changed my opinion a while back. I figured she did too because she is always trying to get me to do something fun. (I'm not easy to entertain. Think spoiled brat with little money) I can't seem to think of many fun things to do that are cheap. How does one get out and socialize more?
Well, I will go to start getting ready for bed. Thanks for reading and responding to my rants.

[Hopefull]

I chickened out of even talking further about it. I think she knew that I am too chicken to even bring it up. T is going on vacation and it will be around three weeks before we talk again. GRRRR! I felt rather sorry for her. She tried to find a positive thing or two (more good grades and my clothes to complement) and I just looked at her sadly. I posted a bit of the reason why under relationships which I didn't mention to her either. I don't know why. I just didn't seem to do very good because I couldn't stand to ask the depression question.
I'm a hypocrit. It's okey for others to take anti-depressants/talk to a T etc. But, if I do so, I'm messed up or weak.
I am studying to be an addiction counselor and I can't even do something that I may find myself asking a future client to do. What kind of counselor would I make if I can't even get myself to do what is probably in my best interest?
How the blazes could I ever suggest hospitalization to a client if the thought of talking to a Pdoc is enough to make me have trouble sharing in therapy?
Sometimes, I think God is trying to teach me how to be empathetic to future clients by giving me a little "hands on training" if you will. Other times, I think this Gods way of saying that I am not fit to counsel others despite my good grades.

[EJ711]

Hopeful,

By any chance did your mother compare you to other people when you were growing up?

It sounds like you need to be kinder to yourself, and work on being your own best friend.

I'm sorry work is so stressful for you right now.

Feel free to PM me if you would like to.

Hugs,

EJ