[shinkikker]

I am in a really dark place tonight. I don't want to kill myself but I want to die. I constantly daydream about dying, how sweet it would be for a car to not see me crossing the road and hit me head on. Or for an atomic bomb to come and just wipe out everyone and everything around me, so I wouldn't be alone after I died.

I'm tired of living my life. I hate the way that I am, I hate that I can take the smallest thing and blow it so completely out of proportion that I just end up in another depressive episode where I sleep all day, every day, skip all my classes, dig myself into an even deeper hole that I can't crawl out of anymore. I hate the way I put on a mask for my family and boyfriend so they don't have to worry about my current emotional state because I know it stresses them out.

I desperately crave escape, any form of escape. Sleep is a big one. Cutting every once in a while. Smoking weed on occasion. Lately I have been thinking about the ultimate escape, which would be death. Like I said, I could not bring myself to kill myself. But a lot of the time, I yearn to be the victim of some freak accident just so I can finally be free of this world that has so much sadness and pain. My idea of heaven is so enticing, and I often find myself transitioning from a daydream about dying into a daydream about finally being in my heaven, free of doubt and failure and hopelessness.

I just want to be there now. It seems cruel that I'm being kept here.

[roads]

Hi, shinkikker.
I just posted on your page.
It doesn't sound as if you're being treated at all for depression ...
--not seeing a counselor or psychologist?
--no group therapy?
--ever seen a psychiatrist? taken medication for depression?
--have you read up on depression and tried to use any traditional coping skills to work your way out of the depression?

Please understand, I'm not saying you should be fixing yourself ... You need real help in this! but you don't say anything about having ever had any help, so I'm asking & at the same time suggesting that these are things you might look for as ways of finding help.

It's so unfair that you're gone on this long thinking you have to feel as you do. You're body chemistry is a little out of balance, but that can be worked on. You can feel a lot better. No one can promise you everything will be perfect, but things can be better.

You might decide you'd like to try some of that life, but change some of the circumstances. Why not at least find out a little more what your real options are?

Roadie

[shinkikker]

Thank you for the kind message on my page. I do take medicine, I take Celexa and Wellbutrin, and I see a counselor regularly, as well as my psychiatrist a few times per year. And yet I still feel this low. Don't get me wrong, I have my ups, but when I have downs, they're really, really deep.

I'm so mentally exhausted, and it seems like every time I get stuck in a depressive episode, it just affirms my belief that I'll be like this forever, and that is not something I can cope with.

[CgRgSm]

I am sort of in the same boat as you, shinkikker. I also am always daydreaming about those things. I mostly just wish I wasn't born. I don't want the pain of dying, there is so much pain to be had in this world. Like you, I wish and dream of being truly free. I'm not sure that I can really help you, but if you want to talk about anything, like a specific thing that is bothering you, I would gladly listen.

[shinkikker]

I was talking to my mom last night and I was really depressed then, too. I told her that I was thinking about going for an emergency walk in session at my university's mental health center because I really needed it. Now, today, I feel less depressed, but almost more angry at myself because I fluctuate like this so often. I can go from being depressed to being just fine in such a short amount of time, so I don't know when/if I should even seek emergency help because it's just going to seem like I'm faking if I am suddenly in a better mood. Does that make sense?

Lately I just am so unpredictable, even I can't tell what I'm going to do next. Sometimes I have such an urge to self harm, and sometimes I feel totally normal. I am so sick of being unstable and not being able to function normally because of it.

[Rohag]

Hello, Shinkikker!

Originally Posted by shinkikker

...I fluctuate like this so often. I can go from being depressed to being just fine in such a short amount of time, so I don't know when/if I should even seek emergency help...

...being unstable and not being able to function normally because of it.

These are certainly matters to address with your doctor/therapist, emergency or not.

Knowing an unexpected crash can happen any time is unsettling.

[shinkikker]

I don't see my therapist until Tuesday It seems like so far away, when I could fall apart at any moment. It is really unsettling, and scary.

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by shinkikker

I don't see my therapist until Tuesday It seems like so far away, when I could fall apart at any moment. It is really unsettling, and scary.

I can relate. When I'm okay, I can focus and get things accomplished for the most part. But when I'm really down, I have difficulty getting out of bed. Maybe you need to have your meds adjusted? Just a thought. I hope you feel better soon.

[shinkikker]

Thanks, tigerlily84. Maybe I do need my meds adjusted. My mom says I should call my psychiatrist to see if I can up my prescription. I don't know. I have been on higher doses before and it seemed counterproductive because it made me so zoned out that I felt like a zombie.

Hang in there hun. Try to bring these thoughts up with your counselor.. I do hope you start feeling better soon. I know I fight the same viscous cycle, use a lot of same coping methods. Nothing seems to help. Idealize death often but I don't want to do it myself. I have often laid in bed and waited for death to come just in and out of consciousness. I've had thoughts of speeding my car up and ramming a tree or something. I have hoped for terminal illnesses to come take me out.

All I can say is your not alone, stay strong.

[THELASTSTAND]

Same here! I'm always tired, wanting to go to sleep but my mother does not let me. My thoughts are not reliable, as they change frequently. I find that jogging, or just being active, and listening to music can alleviate this to an extent.

But that's just me.
Keep us posted; we care

[InfiniteSadness]

Hey, I feel just like you- with anxiety on top of it..