[Sam2]

There are a lot of areas to post in, but I guess I'll start in this one. I don't remember a time when I wasn't depressed. If I had to pick a time, I guess after age 10 was when things started to go downhill. I'm not yet comfortable going into a lot of detail.

There isn't much I remember about middle school and high school except doing a lot of walking. I didn't fit in any group at school, so I just kind of tried to be invisible. During study halls and after school, I'd just walk for miles. When I was home, I was shut in my room, never interacted with my family. At 18, I attempted suicide, but was caught. (Does saying you tried to kill yourself in the past fall into the "do not post" category?). There were many more attempts to follow.

At home, my older brother was having problems and began to be violent when I was fourteen or so. At night he would crack open my door and just stare at me, sometimes for an hour or more. I'd pretend I was asleep. When he wasn't doing that, he was banging on his wall which was adjacent to mine, and screaming. I took to tying a hunting knife to the side of my bed. That went on for several years. To this day I can't sleep unless I am fully dressed and sometimes in sneakers as well in case I have to run or fight. I've been told I have PTSD. I live in a different state now, but still feel the need to be ready to get away from an attacker.

Its too soon to go into stuff in between, so i"ll just jump to the last few years. I've had migraines since I was 18, but about 16 years ago, started to have them everyday.That has progressed to 24-7 migraines with frequent breakthrough pain. They do not respond to anything but narcotics, which were perscribed by a pain clinic as a last resort. No cause has been found. Now my back has gone out, a result of sleeping in strange positions with my head elevated as laying flat increases the head pain. The last two or three years, I've only been able to work three half days a week, with the rest of my time shut in a dark room trying to minimize pain. In the last year, I rarely get into work even twice a week and sometimes not at all.

After several very bad experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists, I don't trust them anymore.

Thats about all I can do right now. I know its a spotty background, but the majority is too hard to think about let alone write about. There are doors I don't want to open.

Sam2

[cluelesscher]

I am so sorry you are in pain. I believe there are doctors and therapists out there who can help, it's just a matter of never giving up. It can take a while to find the right doctor or therapist - someone who is patient, listens, and works with you to understand your history and what has worked or not worked for you in the past to formulate a plan of action. Big hugs, and hope you are having a better day today.

[Leed]

I agree 100% with Cluelesscher. I too believe there is someone out there who can treat you, but it might take some patience on your part to find him/her. I don't know HOW many doctors I went thru before I found the ONE great psychologist that I finally stayed with. She was great and did me a world of good. I''ll forever be in her debt.

So just be patient -- I know you'll find someone who understands. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Sam2]

My head says you are right about finding a good therapist, my psyche can't seem to get past the distrust. My experiences with the psychiatric world have all been disaterous.

Following my first suicide attempt, three decades ago, I went to my first psychiatrist. In his office, he told me that anything I said would stay between him and myself. I spilled my guts. When my parents came to pick me up, he brought them in with us and proceeded to tell them everything I had just told him.

The second one was the husband of one of my mother's friends. I was extemely depressed and would go in and just sit, unable to say anything. After five or so sessions, he said that if I didn't start talking, he couldn't treat me without consulting my parents as they were paying for it. It never got to that point, because the following week, when I was parking my car in his parking lot, I dinged another car and was really nervous and afraid I was going to get into trouble. I couldn't stop pacing during the session, but still wasn't talking. He diagnosed me as bipolar and sent me to a psychiatrist. (He was a psychologist).

Shrink number three put me on lithium, never checked the blood levels and it didn't help. Over the next several weeks he put me on MAO inhibitors, antipsychotics and tricyclic antidepressants. Many of them made me so ill I couldn't get up without throwing up. The last one he had me on, (pretty sure it was melaril), caused hallucinations as well as nausea. I can remember seeing the front of a car going by the house, and the back end following several seconds later. I heard birds that were not in the house. When I would get up, my blood pressure would bottom out and I'd go down. I called him and told him what was going on, then told him I was not going to take the drug anymore. He said that if I refused, he would call the police and have them come take me away. At the time, I had recently moved into the house of a friend, renting one of her spare rooms. My parents had to take me back home as I was too sick to function on the medication. I stopped seeing shrink number three, but it took weeks to get over the effects of the meds I'd been on. The color orange would make me vomit and the hallucinations continued for a while. That psychiatrist had his license yanked a couple years later for malpractice, not keeping records and failing to monitor patients on medications.

The fourth one, a psychologist, diagnosed me with PTSD and major depressive. He may not have been bad, but I could no longer trust psychologists/psychiatrists, and just couldn't bring myself to talk to him. I quit after a few sessions.

Even though it was a long time ago, and I've known people who really like thier therapists, I can't seem to break through the lack of trust. By now, were I to go to one, even if I could talk to them, I'm afraid to open those doors i've locked things away in. The risk of a complete breakdown or suicide would be significant.

Sam2

[carebirdy]

Sam, sorry you're having a hard time. I tend to think therapist are the way to go and I think you know you need the help, but if you just don't want to go there maybe start trying to do some meditation. Maybe see if you can find a self lead group of individuals who are struggling with life issues. Find a church - you don't have to believe what they say, just find some nice people who are glad to see you. You deserve peace.

[Sam2]

Thank you for all your support. I wish I could get myself to open up enough to try and trust again. At this point, I just can't. I've thought about it, come close to looking, but am still too wary of seeing someone. Once you say something, you can't take it back.

Meanwhile, I'm taking it day by day. I do have a very good support system in the way of a good friend, so I'm not totally alone.

Sam2