[Valentinedemorcerf]

Sorry, my phone won't let me use the trigger icon. But yeah. TRIGGER

I don't even know if depression is the issue but I figured I would fit in here. Today after church I had a really strong desire to run my car off the road and into something. To just end it all. I've never had suicidal urges like that. Actually during church I had been comparatively happy. I felt spiritually connected again. But afterward I fell apart again. I feel like I'm becoming seriously mentally ill, and I feel worthless because of it and for it. Please, if you're religious in any way, pray for me. And I don't exactly know what sort of advice to ask for but someone to talk to would be nice. I'm never able to see my therapist.

I will pray for you! Hang in there and don't give up hope. I am on a down swing myself, but it too shall pass.
If I may offer that my faith is all I have left after losing everything else. As sad and depressed as I was, I knew that God was with me, and I called His name, and I prayed, and I did receive comfort.
Fight back and dont leave us....we need you and God loves you!

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Thank you so much.

[dailyhealing]

I will pray for you. I am also happy to talk anytime you like. I love getting to know people better. I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now, I do hope it gets better for you soon. Also, I'm very glad you are here!

[kindachaotic]

So sorry things are tough right now. I will keep you in my prayers.
If you see a T these Sui thoughts/urges are something he should be made aware of.
Maybe a med tweak is in order. We want you safe & in control of your thoughts/moods.
Do you have a friend or family member you could confide in for support.
Keep posting about how you're doing.
Take care of yourself.

[Leed]

Why aren't you able to see your therapist? I hope you keep trying because you really NEED to see him. And when you do PLEASE make sure you tell him about this feeling of wanting to end it all.

There have been times when I'm driving on the highway that I too want to drive my car into the bridge abutment, but of course I don't do it. That's cause I usually have someone with me, and I certainly wouldn't take someone else with me if I did it. I don't seriously want to commit suicide. It's just one of those "things" that cross your mind. I have severe clinical depression, and I'm medicated -- and even tho most of the time I feel pretty good, there still are times the meds don't work that well.

Please -- try to get in to see your therapist. You really need to. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by kindachaotic

So sorry things are tough right now. I will keep you in my prayers.
If you see a T these Sui thoughts/urges are something he should be made aware of.
Maybe a med tweak is in order. We want you safe & in control of your thoughts/moods.
Do you have a friend or family member you could confide in for support.
Keep posting about how you're doing.
Take care of yourself.

It's difficult for me to admit to my T, or anyone, that I'm having problems. It's hard for me to let other people see that I'm not fine. The only person I've been able to confide in fully is my boyfriend/unofficial fiance (whichever you prefer) and to a very, very limited extent my mother, who doesn't seem to understand. And this forum. I'm trying to get up the courage to talk to my small group leader from church, who is a stay at home mom but also happens to have a degree in clinical psychology, but I haven't been able to yet. Until yesterday I didn't really admit to myself how severe this was. I'm starting to realize that I really need help, because I'm spiraling down fast. I have been an A student for my entire life, and now even my grades are suffering and I am unable to do even the things I love. Thank you.

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by Leed

Why aren't you able to see your therapist? I hope you keep trying because you really NEED to see him. And when you do PLEASE make sure you tell him about this feeling of wanting to end it all.

There have been times when I'm driving on the highway that I too want to drive my car into the bridge abutment, but of course I don't do it. That's cause I usually have someone with me, and I certainly wouldn't take someone else with me if I did it. I don't seriously want to commit suicide. It's just one of those "things" that cross your mind. I have severe clinical depression, and I'm medicated -- and even tho most of the time I feel pretty good, there still are times the meds don't work that well.

Please -- try to get in to see your therapist. You really need to. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I am trying. But he seems to be the most popular therapist in town, and after we canceled running appointment about a year ago due to being too busy, we've been unable to get me in consistently. Right now my next appointment is after Christmas.. I take a really low dose of an antidepressant and it doesn't work at all.
This isn't the first time I've had the urge, but this time it was so STRONG. I was almost fantasizing about it. Thank you. I'll try.

[awebb198488]

If you aren't able to get into your therapist right away, maybe you could talk to your doctor about your meds and that they aren't always working for you. Maybe they need "tweaked".

[Valentinedemorcerf]

Originally Posted by awebb198488

If you aren't able to get into your therapist right away, maybe you could talk to your doctor about your meds and that they aren't always working for you. Maybe they need "tweaked".

That's an excellent idea.

[awebb198488]

Originally Posted by Valentinedemorcerf

That's an excellent idea.

Keep us posted!

[Valentinedemorcerf]

I was doing better for a days or two but now I'm spiraling down again. I have some health issues and one just flared up and I have been in pain all day, and I have an important performance Monday I wasn't able to practice for because of the pain, and I'm totally unprepared. And I turned down another huge performance opportunity because after I practiced so hard to get that opportunity, I no longer had the emotional or mental energy and I just stopped. And I just missed a really important deadline that could have huge implications, and I feel horrible. I only missed it by like thirty minutes, not because I'm busy or stressed, but because I couldn't make myself care enough to start sooner. And that's the story of my life right now. I can't really get myself to care much about anything, so I just watch opportunities wiz by. I have never been like this in my entire life. I really just don't feel like getting out of bed at all. Ever.

[dailyhealing]

What you describe sounds like classic depression. You are describing how it is with me when I am in my depressive episodes. You may have shared this elsewhere, but are you receiving any kind of treatment for what you are going through?

I hope it gets better for you soon, thanks for posting.

[RJ78]

I have experienced most of what you're describing, sudden suicidal thoughts, low motivation, difficulty following through on tasks - and it's good that you recognize that you need some support to get through this. The forum has been great for me in this way.

Regardless of when you next see your therapist, I think it's very important that you go and see your physician asap and discuss some of your symptoms with him. I was on a very low dose med for 2 years and it was working wonders, but then it just wasn't anymore and I needed a higher dosage. I think it's worth discussing with him/her.

Also, are there any depression support groups in your town or one nearby? I joined one recently and it has been a really great way to connect with people and talk openly about my feelings in a non-judgemental atmosphere.

Hugs to you,

RJ