[iliketherain]

It seems like the only time I log into PC is when things are going horribly in my life. In my defense, I would log on more often to offer others support, but I was without the internet for awhile, so that sort of prevented me from doing so.

You guys, I hate repeating this periodic panic/freak-out/whatever. If given the opportunity to completely numb myself with medication so that I would never have to go through this again, I would do so in a heartbeat.

I recently moved (well semi-recently in August) to a place where I knew no one, but my mom. Since nearly graduating college (except for 1 class, which I'm taking this spring!), and unsuccessfully finding a job in the town I had lived in basically my entire life, I have virtually no friends, a boyfriend that may or may not be gay - but is most likely still cheating on me, and I am very fearful about my future in terms of my goal to attend a science-oriented professional school.

Basically, I feel like I'm living in my own idea of hell on earth. The things that I'm experiencing right now are the things I have always feared the most - no friends, no boyfriend, no future. The only person I have in my life that is good to me is my mom, and I'm constantly so afraid that something will happen to her.

Really, once again, I have no idea why I'm even posting this. I don't really expect anyone to respond to it. Also, I think I may have already made this post too long, which is probably an instant turn-off for anyone attempting to read it.

If you respond to nothing else in my post, please tell me this: what do you do when everything you've tried to control in your life begins to fall apart? Do you do the opposite of everything you've done before? Do you move ahead without looking back? Do you just accept it and try to make the best of things?

If I continue living in this town, I may very well become a shut-in. Outside of work, I basically am one. Really. This was not supposed to be my life.

Please help me. I have no one else to talk to about my problems except for my mom, and I don't want to burden her with them. Other than that, my boyfriend doesn't have time to listen or doesn't want to or doesn't care, and I am way too afraid to ever try to open up to any of my friends about my problems because I'm afraid they won't like me anymore.

Basically, I am afraid of everything, EVERYTHING, all of the time.

Thank you for any help you can provide. Seriously.

Also, I want to add that I feel very guilty posting anything like this in lieu of the tragedy earlier today. I will continue to pray for all of those children and adults. It is completely unspeakable.

[montanan4ever]

Hi there. This is my first post on these forums. I've had major depression issues, along with other psych issues, pretty much all my life, certainly since I was a lot younger than you are now. I can oh, SO VERY MUCH relate to what you're saying here. I hear you and I empathize a lot. It all hurts so much :-(.

I've been on meds and in therapy for twenty years. That's how I've coped. Things still go downhill periodically, and generally that's when I opt for medication changes. In fact, I'm in a place like that right now and am on the hunt for a new psychiatrist, a project that always terrifies me endlessly.

I wish there was a quicker, longer lasting solution. I can only encourage you to get into treatment ASAP.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. I hate to hear of young people feeling so depressed like this. You're too young to have these feelings.

Is it possible for you to get into therapy? Do you have insurance that would cover it? You really DO need therapy. A good psychologist/psychiatrist could help you with your issues, and get you out of this "living hell" that you describe. Therapy has done me a world of good, and there is NO SHAME in going to therapy. Millions of people use therapy ~ and with your depression, you surely need it. If you don't have insurance, talk to your medical doctor. He can help you too.

You're welcome to private message me too at anytime you want/need to talk. I'm on most everyday and I PROMISE to reply! So don't hesitate if you want to talk.

I wish you the very best. Please take good care of yourself, okay? God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[Rohag]

Hello, Iliketherain!

Originally Posted by iliketherain

It seems like the only time I log into PC is when things are going horribly in my life.

That's perfectly legitimate.

Originally Posted by iliketherain

what do you do when everything you've tried to control in your life begins to fall apart?

My personal answer:

• Go through some sort of emotional/volitional collapse.
• Grieve my losses while fighting my urge to grieve my losses.
• Seek help.
• Seek help to help me seek help.

[iliketherain]

I do have insurance and I have been to a therapist before. I just find myself having a VERY hard time opening up to a therapist. The only therapist I saw on a continual basis actually dismissed me as a patient because she felt like we weren't making any progress - that and I stopped showing up for appointments.

Is it strange that I feel very weird about talking about my issues with someone who is physically near me or someone that knows me? I don't know why it freaks me out.

I started on Zoloft and then Prozac when I was around 17, but I discontinued taking it when I was about 19, because I wasn't responsible enough to always remember to take my medication. I started again about a two years ago, and then stopped because I was worried the long-term effects on my brain might outweigh the benefits.

Anyway, yeah...I guess I really need to figure this out asap. Thank you all for your reponses! Any further feedback/info/solutions will be very much appreciated! : )

Hi ilikethetrain,
This is gonna be random but its from the heart.

Post what you need to post and dont apologize for it, we WILL read it.
I can relate to your pain and know what you mean about being afraid of everything. I did my time being afraid of everything. I bet mom might know a thing or two about that. Try talking to her about just that for starters and see how it goes.
Kudos to you for being one class away from graduation! This is important so don't miss out!
I can be as lost and invisible in a city as you can in your town. You have to give yourself permission to exist and then go make yourself happy. If you let a boyfriend or other friend define or legitimize who you are, then you are them! Now this is hard to do, I know because I don't have any friends to speak of, only aquaintances.
Sounds to me like its time to ixnay the boyfriend...just sayin'.
You might be surprised to find your friends might rally around you in support.
Its good you know that you have these issues and can do something about them. When I was your age I was too busy self medicating with drugs and alcohol to care. I KNEW I needed some kind of help but the buzz kept me going so I just internalized it all and carried on. Very bad call on my part!
If nothing else, take hold of your issues, no matter how difficult it is, and resolve to love yourself enough to find a solution now! Trust me, 20 years from now you will thank yourself...I am living proof of how a life and family can be destroyed if you put it off.
Wishing you much bravery, strength, and LOVE.
YOU can do it ilikethetrain!

[RJ78]

I'm also reading and offering you support from snowy and cold Canada. I can relate to how you're describing your life...what I have done lately is join this forum, join a depression support group in my town, been referred to a community mental health centre by my family physician (which means I can join other groups and see a therapist for free!), changed medications, spoke about my symptoms with three of my closest friends, and started regular relaxation exercises.

I decided I needed to make some major changes because I had a serious breakdown at work and was going to follow through on the suicidal thoughts I had been having. I'm so glad I didn't at this moment.

Please keep us posted,

RJ

[katartist2012]

You have all of our support. I understand you feel somewhat hopeless right now, but remember we are all here to support eachother. We do care and we will help and read. You are not and will not be alone

[iliketherain]

Thank you all again, so much. It makes me feel so good to know that there are others out there who understand - though I wish you all didn't have to undergo anything negative like this. I think I am going to start going to group therapy, since it's free. Also, maybe I should be on medication.

And SpiritOfAStorm, you are absolutely right. I definitely need to break-up with that guy. There are a whole other group of issues surrounding him. I've posted about it a few times on PC, and tonight I did it again. I keep reminding myself that he is definitely contributing to my fear, lack of self-worth, and depression, but I'm afraid my co-dependency issues are so great that I will never be able to break-up with him. My post is under relationships and communication, if any of you have any of advice on it.

Again, I want to thank all of you for your responses. May you be blessed and find an inner-peace and happiness in your life.