[OctoberGurl]

Hi Everyone.
I'm new on here and decided to join because I don't know where else to turn. I have suffered with depression since my teens (I'm now 20) due to bullying and family struggles. I had never gone to the doctors until last year, where I was officially diagnosed and given medication.
In June this year I was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety, and have been on a waiting list to receive cognitive behavioural treatment ever since.
But my symptoms have been getting worse and I have no idea how long it will be til I receive therapy. I have become violent, short tempered, extremely irritable. I get upset very easily and it doesn't take much to make me feel rejected and worthless. For the past few days I have wondered if maybe I suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder, but then I thought that if I did, I wouldn't be considering it (I'm not sure whether that's how it works) but I am displaying many signs of BPD.

I don't feel like I can talk to my friends or family about my problems. I can't trust them, and the few I do trust I feel that they don't understand me.

So if there is anyone I can talk to on here, who may be able to offer some advice, I'd really appreciate it.

[Leed]

Hi and WELCOME. I'm glad you found us. It's great that you're getting your feelings out. This is a great place to do it, and it's safe.

If you're becoming violent and short tempered, I'd go back to my doctor and talk with him. Since you're still waiting for the other treatment, you're going to have to rely on your doctor for the time being. Talk to him and tell him what's going on. Can't he get you in to therapy with a psychiatrist or psychologist? Why do you have to wait for that particular treatment before you start therapy? I don't understand. He should be able to get you in to someone.

Please let us know how things turn out. I wish you the best. Take care and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[NoCake]

Yeah I went through that. No one even knew I had depression. But you should find someone you can trust to talk to about it because it helps. I was on my own through the worst times and that wasn't fun at all.

[OctoberGurl]

Thank you both. My doctor actually took me off one of my meds which made things worse, and now he is on annual leave so I cant even make an appointment to see him yet. Yesterday was a particuarly horrible day. I woke up feeling fine, and then all these thoughts ran through my head. Me and my sons dad split at the end of October and got back together a couple of weeks ago, but while we split he started seeing someone else.

I can go days without thinking about her, but yesterday I started to think things like "what did he see in her" then remember that she is an Ann Summers rep so she probably had all these sexy outfits and toys and I started thinking how he probably loved it. After that I just completely spaced out. I was breaking down in tears every few hours, I barely spoke to my boyfriend, I went through my wardrobe and threw out anything from Ann Summers. I just started to feel such hatred towards him.

And then I started to feel worthless, ugly, like if I wasnt here he wouldnt miss me, he'd just get over it and go back to her, like what was the point in me even sticking around?

I didnt tell him what was on my mind because it would only cause an argument and I dont think he has figured out how to deal with me when I'm having one of those days. He just sat there and *****ed about how he had come over for me not to talk to him.

I was still up til 12 this morning, sat at the dining table fidgeting, trying to distract myself because all I felt like doing was the thing we arent allowed to talk about in these forums, or smash the house up. I controlled myself thankfully, but I'm not sure I can next time.

Today hasnt been so bad. Still keep thinking about "her" every now and then but it hasnt stopped my day. I dont understand how somedays I can deal with it maturely, and yet others it either brings me to tears or makes me so angry that I just want to smash things.

[OctoberGurl]

Thank you both. My doctor actually took me off some of my meds, and only left me with the ones that help me sleep which I dont like to take because I'm the only one here to wake to my son except for the few days his dad stays round. And now my doctor is on annual leave so I cant even go see him to get my meds back. I'm at the top of the list now to receive this therapy so hopefully it will happen soon.

Yesterday was an AWFUL day. I started getting terrible thoughts about my boyfriend and the girl he was seeing when he split up in November.

I started to feel so depressed, worthless. She's an Ann Summers rep, so I threw out everything I had from there. Started thinking things like how she probably has loads of sexy outfits and toys and he probably loved it, how I'm probably no where near good enough for him.

I didnt tell him what was bothering me because it would have only caused arguments. He came over, and then just *****ed about the fact that I was barely talking to him. I just sat there silently. Everytime he *****ed I would tell him I'm having a bad day. He knows who I was thinking about, and probably knows why I was so upset, but made no sort of effort to make me feel better. I dont think he has quite got to grips with the fact that I am ill, I cant help how I feel sometimes, and that I do get into dark depressing moods, or have violent outbursts that I just cant pull myself out of with the snap of his fingers.

Today was better. I was still upset, and still thought about "her" every now and then, but it didnt ruin my day. I just hope tomorrow I will have completely forgotten.

[RJ78]

Hi October,

How are you doing today? I agree with NC, try to talk with your friends about your symptoms, you don't even have to get into the details about all of your thoughts, but it's really important to have a support system around you. One of my symptoms is to think that nobody around me could possibly understand what I'm going through, and I feel terribly lonely. But the thought itself, and my accompanying behaviour just makes my loneliness worse.

Is there any way you could see another doctor?

Please keep us posted.

RJ

[OctoberGurl]

Hi RJ.

Today I'm feeling a little better. I went to a new parent/baby group which gave me something to do. Yesterday was awful though! I was fine all day until I had a stupid row with my boyfriend (which I started over). I had a go at him for walking to the shop instead of driving. When I saw his car was still outside, I automatically thought that he was walking so that he could have as much as time away from as possible. I then threw the remote controller at the floor next to him, went into the bathroom and grabbed my razor blade. First time I have done that in over a year. Now social services have been informed and I'm really scared that my son will be taken from me. I can look after him. I never let any of this affect him.
Then I had the police knocking at my door at stupid oclock last night, they were sent to make sure I was ok and not in danger of myself.

Now my anxiety has hit hard because I'm just waiting for the day social come knocking on my door to see me. I feel like staying out of the house everyday so that they don't find me I'm so scared!

I managed to see my doctor on Monday morning. He has put me back on my anti-depressants and I have to see him again next week.

In a way, I feel maybe social services may be the better option, because maybe then they can actually push for me to finally get the psychological help that I need rather just masking all the problems with prescribed drugs.

I have spoken to a couple of friends who have been supportive and one of which helped me a lot last year when I was self-harming so she knows just how to handle me when I get in these moods.

Thank you for your comment and support.

[RJ78]

Hi October,

Thanks for the update, it takes courage to share our stories. I'm glad you went to see the doctor again and that you'll see him again next week. I take anti-depressant/anxiety medication and while they may indeed mask my symptoms, I'll gladly to wear that mask than feel the constant living hell I experience without them at times. I have a medical condition that warrants medication, full stop. But, when I'm on the meds I'm better able to care for myself and those around me, which means focusing on the therapy and other forms of mental health relief I practice.

Be gentle with yourself, you sound like a caring person. Please keep us posted

RJ