[Rose76]

I have been away from PC, since sometime in October. That's been kind of lonely for me, but it did help to calm down the awful neck spasms that I was getting. (I have a degenerative disc problem in my neck.)

I've been really awful depressed lately, and I kept trying to get through to my doctor. I found out about a program I wanted to participate in, and I needed a referral from him (my pdoc.) For weeks, I was getting nowhere on this. Meanwhile, I was becoming just more and more depressed, worse than ever in my life.

Where I get my psych care is a pretty crummy place but I'm stuck with it. Yesterday, my pdoc's nurse telephoned me and I was awful toward her. I told her that I would never believe anything she said. (I had been told the referral had been made, and that was not true.) Today, my psychiatrist called me, and I told him that I would never have any faith in him, or in anyone, at this facility. He told me that he was very offended.

It doesn't sound too bad the way I summed it up here. Trust me - I was a complete jerk in the way I talked. This isn't the first time in my life I have gone nuts like this. It seems to come out of feeling very hurt and ignored when I've tried to get help at times of feeling extremely depressed.

In the aftermath of losing all poise and dignity, I have felt far more depressed than I already did, which was beyond what I can even adequately express here. Now I am thoroughly disgusted with myself. I don't even expect to recover to ever feeling decent again. The despair is overwhelming me.

A year ago, at this time, I was fairly well. All I see is my mental condition going downhill. A year ago, I was starting a new job, and my house was beautifully cleaned and decorated for Christmas, and I was reading recipes for making baked ham. By February, I had failed at the job. Still, I muddled through the year with ups and downs. Easter went okay - with another nice ham dinner. I got approved for SSDI in June. In October, I started unraveling. But I could pull it together. The Thanksgiving weekend went decent, with my S.O. and I going out to see the movie, Lincoln. Then I crumbled up inside. I am becoming good for nothing. My place is a mess. I am a mess. The neck pain got worse in October. Between the neck pain and depression, my life feels worthless to me.

I live alone. I've behaved ugly to my S.O. and am staying away from him to give him a break. Anything he says hits me wrong and I get angry. Meanwhile, his health is failing and I am griefstricken over this. Thinking of these things brings tears.

Recently, I visited my brother, who is very disturbed. He was awful to me and it shocked me. That was kind of when I got very distressed. But that was just the straw on the camel's back. I keep calling a support line and I just break down sobbing. They are very nice there.

Rose, you know you aren't a jerk I don't know about the rest of it but your reaction to the nurse and doc were understandable. I understand that you don't like losing your cool but it happens and in this situation and don't think it was really inappropriate. I don't think it's something you should be so down on yourself about. There are other people who are perfectly willing to take care of that
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Have the spasms gotten any better?

[RunningEagleRuns]

Good luck =] We have all been jerks. Its much easier to be a jerk when your depressed, or stressed, too.

[Rose76]

George H, thanks. I do try to tell myself that I didn't get into that state of anger with them without some provocation. Still, I flipped out, and I feel like I made a fool of myself. I guess people have done worse things.

Tomorrow I get an MRI of my neck. The spasms did get a lot better by staying off the computer.

My boyfriend and my father both got some paralysis as a complication of neck conditions like I have. Wierd that I should know two people who had this happen. So I have extreme anxiety of what this could lead to. Sometimes, one or other of my hands goes numb. I think this has a lot to do with my increasing depression.

I understand Rose. I feel disappointed when I lose it too. I hope you get good news from the MRI. I have PN which cause some strange nerve and muscle activity. When I first got it I worried about what might happen down the road. Two words. Que sera
Until it happens it hasn't happened and it might not ever happen. I hope it doesn't happen but try to not let it cause you grief thinking about the possibility.
Have you been getting out much? You don't have to answer... don't want to push you into being on the computer too long.

[shezbut]

((((Rose))))

I am sorry that you've been in such pain!

I can relate to your difficulty managing your emotions, especially as you worry about the neck disc degeneration. Personally, I notice that my physical pain comes first on the list of importance. As soon as that's brought under some control, that's when my emotional pain goes bananas! As physical issues come and go, my emotions are on a wild roller coaster ride.

I hope that the MRI goes well for you tomarrow. I hate lying down on those dang beds, my body always starts aching and stiffens up from having to lie still. Hopefully, you can listen to music as the pictures are being taken (and interpreted). That helps pass the time a lot easier! Bring an iPod or walk man with, just in case.

Gentle hugs to you honey!

[TerryL]

Hey Rose, I once said something to someone which I later regretted. It bothered me for years so about five years down the line I wrote a note to him apologizing. I felt better afterwards. and you know what I don't he even remembered the incident. I'm sure the person you talked to just chalked it up to you having a bad day and nothing more.

and I understand about your anticipatory grief..that is hard..

[Rose76]

Thanks all.

No, George, I am not getting out of the house and that is becoming a bad thing.

You're right Eagle about the blood levels. I am on an increased dose of anti-depressant. It turned out that my blood level had been sub-therapeutic.

Shez, thanks for the suggestion. It's just my neck that is getting imaged, but I guess MRI is a slow process. People have told me they hated going through it.

Terry, thanks for understanding. I might write that note. I must really consider doing that. It might relieve the shame I feel.

[Rose76]

This is hard to talk about, but here goes. When I was in a partial hospitalization program 8 years ago, I was having episodes of getting very irritable and having outbursts. I told the pdoc at the program that I felt I was feeling psychotic when I had these episodes. She told me that she did indeed believe that I was experiencing transient psychotic symptoms. I was glad, at the time, to recognize that.

I think that is happening again. But now I am in despair over it. I feel that I am going in and out of being truly "crazy." I feel embarrassed by my emotional state and my lack of control. I feel I am becoming a bad person. It makes me not want to live. I mean all of this very seriously.

Worst of all, there doesn't seem to be anywhere to go for help.

[shortandcute]

That has happened to all of us--or least many of us. One time, when my daughter was a baby, I went to the bank to withdraw a little bit of money to buy diapers, etc. Well, the teller told me the computer was down, so it would take a couple of minutes. I flipped out, and started screaming at her and calling her a b**ch. Later, I felt terrible--especially since she was really sweet and she was pregnant too.

[OrangeMoira]

Awww hon, so sorry.

Everyone snaps sometimes. No one is perfect. A note might be nice to repair the relationship, but I don't think it would be necessary.

Most people go through ups and downs dealing with mental health issues. If you felt better before, you can get there again. Just have to get through this hard part. Take it easy on yourself and try to be comfortable. Neck pain affects your whole body and can make you miserable.

So sorry you are dealing with both physical and mental pain. You have to be very strong to do so. Even if you behaved less perfectly than you would have liked, you are still doing the best you can.

[Rose76]

shortandcute: Thanks for sharing that. It sounds like the way I got. I take it that you managed to forgive yourself and get over it. Doing that for myself seems a very hard goal to reach.