[Christina86]

Trigger icon because I'm not sure about anything right now and the last thing I want is to upset anyone.

(Edit: There is no suicidal ideation here. I just wanted to make that perfectly clear)

Sorry.

I'm back visiting my family again at the family's place (I admantly refuse to call it home anymore)...

Why is it that the one group of people who should be there for you and make you happy have this ability to make me feel completely and totally worthless? I'm already stressed out about lots of little tiny things and my anxiety has slowly been rising over the course of days and I just can't take it anymore.

I have the most wonderful friend who has been there for me so much lately and all I know is that I'm hurting him. Nobody else has ever been this nice to me before (IRL) so how am I supposed to take it? I push him away and tell him I'm not worth it and that he should just quit trying and go help someone else that actually needs it. Any yet he stays.

My family keeps up with the constant never-ending jokes about EVERYTHING. It wouldn't be bad if they were funny, but they're not. How the *bleep* am I supposed to take it when they poke fun of and laugh at my friends, people the family knows and generally are jerks in regards to any one group of people? I've heard enough jokes and heard them laugh enough times about my friends and about those with disabilities and those who're depressed. Newsflash parents! I happen to love my friends who have always been there for me, and who are sure as *bleep* nicer to me than you all are. I've got a *bleeping* disability and you think that poking fun of others with disabilities is appropriate? NOT!! And those who suffer from depression. It AINT FUN. I may not be diagnosed as such, but it sure as *bleep* isn't appropriate to be talking in such a way. I wonder how they would take it if I told them I'd tried to kill myself so many times already? Or better yet, about my SIng? How the *bleep* would they take that?

I'm so tempted to do it. I can't feel any worse about my relationship (or lack thereof) with them than now, what the *bleep* do I have to lose? I don't like being around them anymore anyways.

BAH *BLEEPING* HUMBUG

The only people who I know actually give a crap about me are all of you nice people here, and some of my friends IRL that know all about my many bad habits and happenings.

I can't be helpful or supportive of any of you here or anywhere on the site... I'm sorry. I just feel like I'm sinking and its taking all my energy to stay afloat.

Now why is it that I can be truthful online but when I go to see my T, I'm all hunky-dorey? Its JUST NOT FAIR. Its not beneficial, I need help. Will keep on trying... maybe.

Crap, I'm now a big bundle of anxiety. I don't know how much longer I can be good tonight and keep myself safe. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore with myself.

[Sabrina]

I am so sorry Christina. Being made fun of, even if unintentional and especially by family must be very hurtful.

You do seem to have so much going on right now.

Please try to tell your T that all is *not* well so that this storm can be weathered with you.

Please try to keep yourself safe, ok? My thoughts are with you.

Sorry about that Canders.

I think there is a limit to the amount of crap one can take.

It would be best if you told your parents where you're coming from (your disability, your friends) and that you would appreciate some support rather than the constant put-down. You don't deserve to put up with their crap. Instead, you deserve help, you deserve to have a wonderful friend (like the one who sticks by you no matter what), and you deserve to be happy. For these reasons, you also need to be honest with your therapist: it is okay *not* to be allright, it is okay to put the mask down and show your vulnerability to someone (professional) who can help you be 'okay' again. You deserve a chance, so please don't let *them* win.

i'm here also........please stay safe and keep us posted. xoxoxo pat

[Lexicon78]

I'm sorry you are surrounded by some real jerks...but you do have your special friend. He apparently will not abandon you no matter what...he seems to care very much for you!

Your family must feel badly about themselves or think these things about themselves if they feel the need to put down others in such a way. You are much better than that.

Have you thought about writing down what you go through during the week in a journal and then taking it in to your sessions with your T? That would work so you could talk about all the things that weren't "hunky dory" and could actually get somewhere in your treatment. I know I do the same thing, too.

Hang in there.

[Sujin]

Canders,
I'm sorry to hear about all you are going through. It is so hard when the ones who should be supportive aren't. It's good that you have this friend who seems to be there for you unconditionally. Try to accept his caring, and know that you do deserve it.

I would confront your parents and tell them how much this is hurting you and making you feel bad. I don't understand why or how someone could make fun of anyone, whether they have a disability (mental or physical) or not. Maybe opening up to them about your hurt and anger will make them realize what they are doing is damaging to you as well as damaging to your relationship with your family.

I hope too that you can really open up to your therapist and let her know what's going on. I used to treat therapy more like a social thing, and smile even if I didn't feel like smiling. Now, I have learned it is not benefitting me in any way to hide behind a mask.

I hope everything works out for you, you deserve to be surrounded by supportive people, and you deserve lots of love. Please keep safe and keep posting.

Love and Best Wishes,
Zen

[Christina86]

Thanks Sabrina. I survived the trip back here to residence. I blew up at my family before I left though, so they're not happy with me. I tried to talk with them, but since they continued to belittle me, it seemed like a good idea. I did stay safe, but I just can't stop feeling miserable.

Thanks Always. I did try to talk with them, but since they didn't want to listen ... yeah. I tried my best, all I can do right? I'm going to try to talk with my T, but shes going on vacation for two months and this week is my last session with her. *sighs* For the best I suppose, now I get to find someone I might "click" with better.

Thanks fayerody. I'll try to keep y'all posted, but I don't know right now...

Thanks Lexicon. I never thought about that in regards to my family. It might make some sense, but I think that my family still needs a good slapping for the stupid jokes and comments they make about others. I never thought up that idea about the journalling. Thanks, I'll try it out.

Thanks zen. My friend keeps trying to tell me that I'm worth it, but I just don't like being a bother. Even posting here makes me feel like there are other people who need support more than me. I did try to confront them, but it didn't go so well. At all, actually. I'm starting to wonder if I actually have a relationship with my family. (I always felt isolated from them, but this just 'takes the cake' so to speak) . I admit it, I do the smiling "everything is fine" thing. I just can't stop it. It seems that every time I do something goes wrong. *sighs* . I still don't think I deserve anything but I'll try.

Thanks to all of you. You've made me feel just a bit better.

[Christina86]

I deleted my other post, I didn't think it was entirely appropriate.

But here's what happened:

I called my family tonight. I get my "stepfather" (Actually common-law) and I tell him to tell my mother to phone me back because I say I was being a b**** and I shouldn't have yelled.

Here's the kicker though... He said I'm ALWAYS a b**** when I come home.

I didn't need to hear that. I don't even care if he was intoxicated when he said this (he may well have been) ... but that KILLS.

I am so hurt right now, its not even funny. I wonder if they would even care if they knew I was sorry for screaming at them. Or would my step-dad even care if he knew how much I cried after I hung up the phone?

I wonder if they even want to see me anymore.

As far as I'm aware, NOBODY else in my life thinks I'm a b**** or self-centred or anything like that. So why does he think that way?

I'm trying. I want a good relationship with my family, but I don't want to be treated like %#@&#! every single time I try to tell them how much some things they do hurt me.

Am I being a horrible daughter and sister here? I'm trying to protect them from the pain I feel and yet be there for my one sister (who is usually verbally and emotionally abusive) who is havinga really hard time with stuff right now (she's living provinces away with my grandmother).

I don't even know what to think anymore. I really think I should just crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of eternity. Maybe then I wouldn't be such a b**** and a burden to my own family.

I don't know if me going home for half a day on my birthday in two weeks is a good idea anymore. (The family is "busy" doing a race the other half of my birthday).

Familly can be very hard to deal with.

" I really think I should just crawl into a hole and stay there for the rest of eternity."

You see my friend, you have so much to give and share, you don't have to give it to your familly. I have put distance between me and my familly. What I have to give now, I don't give to them, I give to people like you who are not blind. To crawl into a hole will not help you. To chose another path will.

I do appreciate you!