[lindammarie]

I've been suffering bouts of depression for over 50 years. I've never counted that up before. And it makes me sad to read it.

While hope springs eternal, I keep trying to "get over it"... Realistically, though, I know somewhere deep down inside that I will have to fight the fight for all of my life...

The most difficult times of depression for me are times when someone dies. My mom died when I was 3, Daddy died when I was 13, my 1st husband died when I was 44 and, most recently (last month) my brother died.

There have been a lot of other "important deaths" in my history, and I always wonder, "Why them? Why not me?" -- not as in survivor's guilt, but more in self-pity...

I find myself at a crossroads of sorts. For the first time in my life, I feel very old. My health is not good, but everyone acts like there's nothing wrong with me except I'm depressed. I get a lot of nagging about what I "should" do or be doing.

I feel alone and I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. Besides, whatever I attempt to do doesn't ever seem to be enough... I know I have people in my life that love me, but what good is that if you exasperate them constantly?

Maybe someone here will be able to tolerate me better than I tolerate myself. It's lonely when you don't even like yourself...

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by lindammarie

I've been suffering bouts of depression for over 50 years. I've never counted that up before. And it makes me sad to read it.

While hope springs eternal, I keep trying to "get over it"... Realistically, though, I know somewhere deep down inside that I will have to fight the fight for all of my life...

The most difficult times of depression for me are times when someone dies. My mom died when I was 3, Daddy died when I was 13, my 1st husband died when I was 44 and, most recently (last month) my brother died.

There have been a lot of other "important deaths" in my history, and I always wonder, "Why them? Why not me?" -- not as in survivor's guilt, but more in self-pity...

I find myself at a crossroads of sorts. For the first time in my life, I feel very old. My health is not good, but everyone acts like there's nothing wrong with me except I'm depressed. I get a lot of nagging about what I "should" do or be doing.

I feel alone and I don't blame people for not wanting to be around me. Besides, whatever I attempt to do doesn't ever seem to be enough... I know I have people in my life that love me, but what good is that if you exasperate them constantly?

Maybe someone here will be able to tolerate me better than I tolerate myself. It's lonely when you don't even like yourself...

lindammarie,
i'm glad you felt comfortable enough to vent. It is lonely when you don't know yourself, but I have a suspicion that you know more about yourself than even your closest loved one. I've been depressed for about forty years, and depression tends to turn you thoughts inward and ask a lot of questions. Questions that no one else would ask because they wouldn't know enough about you to be able to.

Having people that love you is worth a lot. If they have continued to love you, its not exasperation that you see. Its fear, concern and probably some saddness thrown in because they can't do anything to help. They are afraid they might lose you. I tried to take my life for the first time when I was 19. Febuary 1, 1982. For years afterwards, my mother would start calling me and hovering when I visited just prior to the anniversay of the suicide attempt. She was afraid I would choose that date and end it.

I agree with your statement that depression is something you fight for life. Medications and therapy are only bandaids. For many people those things improve the depression, but it never quite goes away. Triggers such as the loss of your brother set off a wave of depression. Long term, chronic depression is very much like being in a state of fresh grief all the time.

There is no answer for why you are alive and those you have lost are not. At least no reason that we can think of. That being said, you probably have more empathy and understanding of emotional suffering than those without depression do. What you decide to do with that knowledge is up to you. I'll bet you would never tell someone else with depression to "suck it up" or "get over it". Its hard to feel good about yourself when you don't have the energy to maintain a normal life and feel like you are just wasting the life you do have.
If you killed someone else either to rob them or just because you felt like it, that would be wasting your life. Depression isn't wasting your life, its just harder to make your way through it.

Sam2

[roads]

Dear lindammarie,

Sam2 has given you a very thoughtful answer. I can give you none better. "Why?" is what we start asking very early in life, and it just never stops.
Your comment, "I know I have people in my life that love me, but what good is that if you exasperate them constantly?" made me laugh ... I went to my journal to be sure, and yes--I wrote almost those exact words in my journal a few weeks before ending up in the psychiatric unit several years ago. I was deep deep in a depression when I wrote, "I know there are people in my life who love me, but what good is that if every week you're less able to connect with them?"

Maybe every depressed person feels that way, sooner or later.

Depression is a real meanie, because it changes our ability to relate to the world, our loved one, even ourselves. That hospital visit I mentioned changed my life--my friends talked things over & decided I didn't know what was best for me so with my doctor's okay called the ambulance.

I was there a month, re-diagnosed as bipolar ... not depressed.

Sorry, I just talk & talk ...
but my point is, sometimes we don't have all the facts
and sometimes we do well to turn things over to god
and stay in the present, looking for opportunities
that present themselves to us

Roadie

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by Sam2

lindammarie,
i'm glad you felt comfortable enough to vent. It is lonely when you don't know yourself, but I have a suspicion that you know more about yourself than even your closest loved one. I've been depressed for about forty years, and depression tends to turn you thoughts inward and ask a lot of questions. Questions that no one else would ask because they wouldn't know enough about you to be able to.

Having people that love you is worth a lot. If they have continued to love you, its not exasperation that you see. Its fear, concern and probably some saddness thrown in because they can't do anything to help. They are afraid they might lose you. I tried to take my life for the first time when I was 19. Febuary 1, 1982. For years afterwards, my mother would start calling me and hovering when I visited just prior to the anniversay of the suicide attempt. She was afraid I would choose that date and end it.

I agree with your statement that depression is something you fight for life. Medications and therapy are only bandaids. For many people those things improve the depression, but it never quite goes away. Triggers such as the loss of your brother set off a wave of depression. Long term, chronic depression is very much like being in a state of fresh grief all the time.

There is no answer for why you are alive and those you have lost are not. At least no reason that we can think of. That being said, you probably have more empathy and understanding of emotional suffering than those without depression do. What you decide to do with that knowledge is up to you. I'll bet you would never tell someone else with depression to "suck it up" or "get over it". Its hard to feel good about yourself when you don't have the energy to maintain a normal life and feel like you are just wasting the life you do have.
If you killed someone else either to rob them or just because you felt like it, that would be wasting your life. Depression isn't wasting your life, its just harder to make your way through it.

Sam2

Thank you so much, Sam. It's so hard to find anyone who really understands. I cognitively know most of the things I need to tell myself -- and I know I am "blessed" to be able to share those things with other people I run into along the way.

Maybe words are more powerful when they come from someone else?

This has been a particularly difficult year. It started with the death of my first husband's mother, who I loved very much. I wanted to be comforted so very badly, but most people I know now did not know her, nor did they know I was so close to her. My son received some support because it was his grandmother. I was glad for that, but wanted to scream, "What about me?"

But you have validated my feelings, which is part of what I need so very badly. And for that I am grateful!

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Dear lindammarie,

Sam2 has given you a very thoughtful answer. I can give you none better. "Why?" is what we start asking very early in life, and it just never stops.
Your comment, "I know I have people in my life that love me, but what good is that if you exasperate them constantly?" made me laugh ... I went to my journal to be sure, and yes--I wrote almost those exact words in my journal a few weeks before ending up in the psychiatric unit several years ago. I was deep deep in a depression when I wrote, "I know there are people in my life who love me, but what good is that if every week you're less able to connect with them?"

Maybe every depressed person feels that way, sooner or later.

Depression is a real meanie, because it changes our ability to relate to the world, our loved one, even ourselves. That hospital visit I mentioned changed my life--my friends talked things over & decided I didn't know what was best for me so with my doctor's okay called the ambulance.

I was there a month, re-diagnosed as bipolar ... not depressed.

Sorry, I just talk & talk ...
but my point is, sometimes we don't have all the facts
and sometimes we do well to turn things over to god
and stay in the present, looking for opportunities
that present themselves to us

Roadie

I love "hearing" your words, Roadie. I am a talker, too... but usually more of a conversationalist than one who writes long, long discourses on a subject. (I have a short attention span... lol) But honestly, I feel people get tired of hearing me talk... In fact, when I don't see an answer to something I've posted, I figure that "no one wants to hear me"...

A big part of my problem is that I crave attention, and sadly, as one gets older it seems it's harder to get peoples' attention.

I'm at a point where I physically feel bad. My back hurts, with pain radiating into other parts of my body. And I am learning what it means to suffer from asthma. My blood pressure has gotten quite high, and yet, when I went to my internist he said my problems were stress-related and simply a part of having asthma.

I felt dismissed and angry. I finally called his office back and complained, so they had me come in again. I told him I was aware of the problems stress can cause, but that I had lived through a lot of stress and thought I deserved to be listened to when I was concerned about physical symptoms that might be something other than symptoms of depression. Cardiac testing was ordered -- and sleep disorder tests (which I am still waiting on).

I'm just too tired to beg people to listen... (not that begging ever helps...)

Originally Posted by lindammarie

I love "hearing" your words, Roadie. I am a talker, too... but usually more of a conversationalist than one who writes long, long discourses on a subject. (I have a short attention span... lol) But honestly, I feel people get tired of hearing me talk... In fact, when I don't see an answer to something I've posted, I figure that "no one wants to hear me"...

A big part of my problem is that I crave attention, and sadly, as one gets older it seems it's harder to get peoples' attention.

I'm at a point where I physically feel bad. My back hurts, with pain radiating into other parts of my body. And I am learning what it means to suffer from asthma. My blood pressure has gotten quite high, and yet, when I went to my internist he said my problems were stress-related and simply a part of having asthma.

I felt dismissed and angry. I finally called his office back and complained, so they had me come in again. I told him I was aware of the problems stress can cause, but that I had lived through a lot of stress and thought I deserved to be listened to when I was concerned about physical symptoms that might be something other than symptoms of depression. Cardiac testing was ordered -- and sleep disorder tests (which I am still waiting on).

I'm just too tired to beg people to listen... (not that begging ever helps...)

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by Tabitha Layne

Thank you, Tabitha! I've been thinking about being in the dark -- and what can grow there.

I sort of feel in the dark here, too! Maybe someday I'll learn to get around the forums better!