[Cataleya]

Separated at 37. My ex doesn't seem to be interested in getting back together and the relationships I got involved with during this past year didn't work. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to start again. I have my job going. I'm working out. I keep myself in shape. I have friends who are trying to stay around during this tough time. But love doesn't seem to come again. I think I pushed the ones came close this past year away and I kept communicating with my ex, which many times hurt me tremendously.

I'm afraid I won't be able to love and trust someone or being loved and trusted by someone again. It's a horrible thought. Please tell me if someone has gone through this before. I'm trying everything: Medication, therapy, friends, work...I tried to date, I'm going to church. What's going on? Why does it keep hurting? I'm doing what I'm supposed to do to get better.

i don't have any advice for you, unfortunately.

but i will say this (and i hope it helps a little)

no one is ever too old to start again... if you are alive and have the power to change things, their is still a chance

[GreyThinker]

yeah, been through it, going through it now. If you are only 37 you have many many more years to find someone. You're probably doing all the right things but it can take a long time. I guess I can only counsel patience and openmindedness but it is hard to trust and love again. Focus on finding someone who fills your three most important character needs - relationships are easier if you already know other person is honest, or empathic, or intelligent or whatever you put on your must-have list.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by Cataleya

Separated at 37. My ex doesn't seem to be interested in getting back together and the relationships I got involved with during this past year didn't work. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to start again. I have my job going. I'm working out. I keep myself in shape. I have friends who are trying to stay around during this tough time. But love doesn't seem to come again. I think I pushed the ones came close this past year away and I kept communicating with my ex, which many times hurt me tremendously.

I'm afraid I won't be able to love and trust someone or being loved and trusted by someone again. It's a horrible thought. Please tell me if someone has gone through this before. I'm trying everything: Medication, therapy, friends, work...I tried to date, I'm going to church. What's going on? Why does it keep hurting? I'm doing what I'm supposed to do to get better.

Its never too late to start again. My Grandfather remarried at age 75 after his wife died. If you are still communicating with your ex, you need to let that relationship go before you can start again. Is it possible that you subconsciously pushed the men you were attempting to have a relationship with because you have not yet let go of your ex?

Relationships are complicated, but you need to make a decision. If you want to start again, stop communicating with your ex completely. Especially if he is causing you pain when you do communicate. You may find counselling helpful in working out your feelings. This is one time when burning your bridges is actually what you need to do in order to move on.

We are bombarded by T.V., radio friends etc. that relationships have to move forward at a fast, steady pace. That we should start being intimate almost right off the bat. Take your time. Get to know someone perhaps as a friend first, or at least with an open mind.

I'm 49 and was divorced 15 years ago. I never started dating again, though I've had several offers. In my case, there is a child, (now a young man), that holds me back. He lives with his mother, but until he has left the house and my child support responsibilities have ended, I am forced to deal with my ex who is VERY vengful. Until I can talk to my son without her around complaining and asking for more money,( she is already getting 2xs the legal requirement. The extra was supposed to go towards his education), I won't be able to start again.

I'm really sorry that you have to go through this. Love is a great, powerful thing, but when it goes wrong, it is just as powerful in its ability to cause pain. Once you have detatched yourself from your ex emotionally, just take things one day at a time. There will be someone else out there for you. Renew your emotional strength. Then renew a relationship.

Sam2

[Scarlett'nGracie]

Like many of you, I've been through this as well. It was the most hurtful, horrible thing. I was 40 yrs old, and I thought my life was over. I got into college (I had never supported myself.) Met some very nice professors and went out with a few. I also had a lot of therapy along the way. I am now remarried to a kind and loving man.

My message to you is that however awful it is right now (and I know it is awful), in time it will get better, when you get better. Be patient and kind to yourself. When you quit looking and are happy being by yourself, you will meet someone. Good luck to you.

Scarlett'nGracie

[RJ78]

Hi Cataleya,

I have had those thoughts more than I'd ever be able to count. That I'm broken, incapable of intimacy, doomed to fail at relationships, too old to start over (I started thinking that when I was 24!!), etc. None of them are true, but they do keep me disconnected from others.

At the moment I'm doing my best at being a supportive friend, brother and son, and by doing so, building my openness to love. It's hard work, but rest assured, you're not the only one.

RJ

[Cataleya]

Thank you for your messages. I am glad I'm part of this forum

[bos314489]

I got divorced 2 years ago when I was 38. The first year I was really trying to get out there and date because I thought wow I am almost 40 and this is the best I am ever going to look, etc. I better find someone now!! I went on several dates and there was no love match. It is funny because this year I have totally relaxed about the age issue and do not even think about it. I don't think you can rush falling in love or getting married again. This year I am just concentrating on being myself and I have come to accept that if I never meet that special person who accepts me as I am, then I will be okay. I will be fine on my own. I would like it to happen but it is not the end of the world if it doesn't.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. You're CERTAINLY not too old to start again! But one thing that's tripping you up is your continued thought that you "might" get back with your ex. You're hanging onto that thought, and it's messing with your head. Don't you think that maybe it's time to let that go? If it didn't work the first time, it's certainly not going to work a second time. The same problems are still going to be there. The same "quirks" will still drive you nuts. The same behavior will still drive you bananas. It's time to move on.

I think once you decide that you're done with your ex, things will begin to work out better. And as far as being "too old" -- sweetie, I got divorced at 44 yrs old, and met my 2nd husband later that year. We dated for about 7 years, and got married in 2000. But unfortunately, he became ill that year and died 12 days before our first anniversary. But at least I had him for about 8 years. He was a blessing from God -- I just know that God put him in my path at just the right time.

And the same will happen for you. Someone will appear at just the right time, and it will be wonderful!! You just have to be patient -- but you also have to clear your head about your ex.

You say you've tried counseling -- perhaps you should tried again. Perhaps you just weren't ready for it previously. Sometimes we're just not in the right mind-set for therapy. Give it a try. God bless and please take care. You'll be FINE. Hugs, Lee

[Cataleya]

Leed,

Thank you so much for your words. I appreciate them and I agree with you 100%. It's time to move on and rebuild my life.

Best to you

Originally Posted by Leed

Bless your heart. You're CERTAINLY not too old to start again! But one thing that's tripping you up is your continued thought that you "might" get back with your ex. You're hanging onto that thought, and it's messing with your head. Don't you think that maybe it's time to let that go? If it didn't work the first time, it's certainly not going to work a second time. The same problems are still going to be there. The same "quirks" will still drive you nuts. The same behavior will still drive you bananas. It's time to move on.

I think once you decide that you're done with your ex, things will begin to work out better. And as far as being "too old" -- sweetie, I got divorced at 44 yrs old, and met my 2nd husband later that year. We dated for about 7 years, and got married in 2000. But unfortunately, he became ill that year and died 12 days before our first anniversary. But at least I had him for about 8 years. He was a blessing from God -- I just know that God put him in my path at just the right time.

And the same will happen for you. Someone will appear at just the right time, and it will be wonderful!! You just have to be patient -- but you also have to clear your head about your ex.

You say you've tried counseling -- perhaps you should tried again. Perhaps you just weren't ready for it previously. Sometimes we're just not in the right mind-set for therapy. Give it a try. God bless and please take care. You'll be FINE. Hugs, Lee

[optimize990h]

It is a loss like a death. Everyone, according to K. Kubler-Ross, with a loss, goes through 5 stages of grieving. Everyone is different and there is no set order or length of time. It goes on an individual basis. So, don't think there's a set time for you to be over what you are feeling or going through. Take care.