[Jwrn26]

FOREWARNING>>>IT MAY NOT MAKE MUCH SENSE CAUSE IM JUST GOING TO BLAST OFF>>>>

So basically I am having an awful day. I havent felt this depressed and anxious in such a long time and I honestly cant take it anymore. My kids are my one saving grace, because without them I dont think I could go on and live this way, but for them and myself, my self that deserves happiness and contentment, Im fighting on.

So basically heres what my problems are:
1) I am unsure of my marriage, whether we can get past all the hurt and mistrust that has went on, whether I am good enough for him, questioning whether I am pushing him away because of my illness.
2) I miss my family that lives clear across the country and I feel if I was closer to them I wouldnt have half of my problems
3) I am a Psych Nurse that works in a Psychiatric hospital and find it extremely difficult to find help for myself without it affecting my career.
4) I am about 150lbs overweight, all which stems from deep issues from childhood and a ineffective coping skill of shoveling food in my face
5) The depression and anxiety are so bad the only thing i can honestly do is get out of bed to go to work. I have absolutely NO motivation in my life to do anything but sit on my *** and try and zone out to numb myself.

So basically in a nutshell this is whats going on. I can honestly say I hate my life. I hate that I hate my life because I am basically where I wanted to be 5 years ago. I have a great career, a beautiful family, and I feel like such a ungrateful ***** for feeling like those things are not making me happy. I dont know what it is that I want, all I know is I need this pain and anxiety to stop. I literally feel like my blood is boiling and my skin is crawling. The only things that have been making me feel better is honestly drinking alcohol, and this is something that needs to stop! I have a huge family history of alcoholism and I can not add that to my list of issues. I have tried meds, which now looking back did help quite a bit, but I honestly cant afford them or to see a doctor or threapist. Money is a huge stressor to me right now and having depression and anxiety is a costly disease. I just want God, who I love and cherish, to take this pain away, even if for a little while, so I can gain some hope that this isnt what my life will be like forever. I just want to wake up, feel energized and enjoy my life. I dont want this to affect my boys, they deserve to have a mommy who is healthy and stable. It killed me the other day when we were watching a show where a mom makes her boys breakfast every morning before school and my oldest son says "You never do that for us" it was like a knife in the chest cause it was completely true! I cant get my *** out of bed for anything, how worthless i am.

I have vented enough for now......To be continued. T

Also just want to Thank all of you for making me feel like im not alone in this world. Thanks for listening and offering support.

[montanan4ever]

I hear you. Man, what a ginormous load you have on your plate. :-(

Silly question: Why would getting psych help threaten your livelihood? I'm working on becoming an LPC, and it's totally accepted, though not quite mandated in my program, that getting into therapy is something just about everyone in the mental health field needs at some point. I would think that would be the case in your branch of the field as well, wouldn't it?

[Jwrn26]

Originally Posted by montanan4ever

I hear you. Man, what a ginormous load you have on your plate. :-(

Silly question: Why would getting psych help threaten your livelihood? I'm working on becoming an LPC, and it's totally accepted, though not quite mandated in my program, that getting into therapy is something just about everyone in the mental health field needs at some point. I would think that would be the case in your branch of the field as well, wouldn't it?

Where I live in Vermont, there is one main mental health facility for adults, inpatient and outpatient. Over the summer it was recommended that I have some inpatient help, but I couldnt because the only available spot was where I worked and that wouldnt be cool since i know a lot of people on the adult units ( i work on the childrens inpatient unit) For working in a psychiatric hospital the benefits for mental health are awful including prescription coverage, and with other situations I didnt even mention above, I just cant afford it. To pay a therapist $64 each week for a visit is just not in my budget. So thus why I am here. I have taken advantage of the employee assistance program offered at my work, but I feel like some boundaries have been crossed and even the counselor there said it isnt good to seek treatment at your place of employment.I just dont know what to do.....Im stuck.

[GreyThinker]

Hi jwrn, hugs...it can be very hard when we feel overwhelmed with problems and can't see a way out...sometimes all we can do is focus on one or two of the and make small changes, as much as we can. It seems you miss your family a lot, and I'm guessing you are not in a position to take a holiday and visit them. Have you got a computer and internet access? Skype is a wonderful way to keep in touch and it is amazing to see people as you talk to them..it might help you to feel closer and more suported if you can skype with your family every day or so (you can download skype for free). Another thing - that horible feeling that hits you when your children say something that hits our guilt button - believe me, that happens to every conscientious mother - sometimes a lot! It's actually a good sign, it shows you actually spend time with your kids and talk with them and listen and care! It's too easy as a mum to beat ourselves up over the things we don't do and forget all the things we do do. If you feel guilty over not getting their breakfast every day please don't...it is not something many families get to do...but it seems having breakfast together is something your son would like...perhaps you can arrange it as a special treat or a weekend special?

[adam_k]

Depression is a hard thing to live with. It robs us of all the joy in our life. It makes us not appreciate what we have and focus on the negatives. At least from my experience. There are a couple of things I found that help me. I found exercise to help me feel better. I try to work out a hour for 2 or 3 times a week. I found that eating better, made me feel less depressed. When I was younger and really depressed I talked to a psychologist and she helped me put things in perspective. Do they have any free mental health clinics in your area, or therapists with sliding scales? I don't know much about medications they help some people. I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

[NoCake]

Well Jrwrn26 I'm sorry you feel this way. I feel exactly the same. But I have no significant other, no career, no friends and no one to even talk to about it with because the people I could talk to are too sensitive and I don't want to hurt them or worry them about me.

Now I am not trying to tell you that the way you feel is wrong because I don't feel that way at all. All I can suggest is that you try to see the good things. I know depresion makes you hate life sometimes. I'm 23 in what is supposed to be the prime of my life and I feel like one day I'll turn 30 and be in this same spot telling people my own age not to be like me... So yeah I know it hurts. All I can suggest is to take a pen to a pad, write your problems down and try to get your problems organized so that they are easier to fix. I know you probably don't feel great in your position but you're not screwed. If you were on the street and broke you wouldn't even be able to come here and talk to people so I see that as a blessing.

I pray in the morning, at night and random times in the day because I can't even remember the last time I smiled at someone or even in the mirror. So when I do pray I just ask for Him to help the people I care about. You know there was a time when I actually asked for forgiveness because if I didn't I felt like I couldn't pray for people anymore. That's how important having people around me is. Maybe I should think about myself more but I just don't feel that important really. And other times I just ask to be safe and for the ability to do things.

So whenever you feel low try thinking about the people in your life. You might feel alone but they are there for you no matter what problems you have and that's a great thing. I know this probably won't mean anything because you feel like hell right now but it's all I can think to tell you. I don't know what it is to be a parent or to feel like you're letting them down. But this is all I know and it's all I've ever known and it's all I can share with you. I don't mean to belittle your problems.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[Jwrn26]

Thank you all for your words of encouragment! Def makes me feel better. I found a great article here actually about finding motivation when depressed and I'm going to try it out. It's just really hard sometimes because I'm not getting support from the ones that are the closest to me? It's always "just snap out of it" if it were only that easy. Do they think I enjoy living like this? There was a point in my life about 8 years ago where I was happy and outgoing, now at 27 I feel like I'm 77. All the energy is gone no matter how much rest I get. I do admit I need to get more active and eat better because that does help. Unfortunately that takes effort and some days it's a struggle to just get up and even eat. Then around 4pm when I'm famished ill just binge on junk! It's a sick cycle.

I grew up with an abusive father who used to restrict my diet to save money, dinner would consist of a cup of noodles and a piece of bread, if I was lucky a banana. So yea my eating habits are **** now....my relationship with food is dysfunctional because I'm still that hungry little girl wondering if I'm going to get enough to eat.

Then I had my son at 16 years old. I'm still with his Dad, but after 12 years were not the same people we used to be. There has been infidelity on both sides due to one of us not getting our needs met, and rather than seek help we take it into our own hands to make ourselves happy, but in reality it was all so toxic and now the trust is gone. We still love each other so much, but I honestly think he doesn't like me because the last few years my issues have surfaced after years of repressing them and being the happy go lucky girl he loved. Now I'm just flat, sad, and hurting so deeply. I know I wouldn't want to be around me, but how do I get over this? My whole support system is across the country, all of which don't have technology to face time or Skype. The relationships ive made here are shallow and have fizzled because I have no interest in going out and partying, I have a family to raise. So needless to say I feel alone, aching for relief.

Thankful to have a place to vent and voice my pain to people who go through similar things. So much love sent to all of you, I truly mean that.

[GreyThinker]

[QUOTE=Jwrn26;2869188]Thank you all for your words of encouragment! Def makes me feel better. I found a great article here actually about finding motivation when depressed and I'm going to try it out. It's just really hard sometimes because I'm not getting support from the ones that are the closest to me? It's always "just snap out of it" if it were only that easy. Do they think I enjoy living like this? QUOTE]

I have learned to just take support from wherever I can get it, and it is not always those close to us. Coming here is a great support for me... and from what others post, to them as well. I find family, in general, are like you described yours - 'they' are not going through this, but they want 'you' to hurry up and get 'normal' so they don't have to worry about you anymore. Well - I can understand that attitude, mostly it is because they care. But sometimes is it because they are close and either don't see the issues or get tired of dealing with us. *Shrugs* - it's a fact... well it is for me anyway... my family get tired of dealing with my issues. So - I go elsewhere. I spread myself thinly among those who are prepared to listen , and do what I can for myself. It's great that you found an article that speaks to you... now it is all about using that motivation to move forward one step at a time. I wish you well .

[montanan4ever]

Aw man :-(. I didn't think about the rural aspect, which I should have as a Montanan!

If there is potential for you to benefit from inpatient treatment (something I'd do some research about first), might going out of state be an option? Or does the insurance not let you go out of state? If that's the case, I wonder if there might be some kind of appeal process, given that your situation is so problematic. It would definitely stink to become a patient in your own facility *YUCK*.

How about therapy every other week? (It would NOT be enough for me, so I fully understand if it wouldn't work for you.)

Good for you for looking for support online. The Internet is a wonderful tool. Indeed, have you looked into distance therapy? Some people are offering this option using stuff like Skype and other Internet tools. (That's another thought that skeeves me out, but perhaps it might give you a tiny bit of additional help if you could stand it?)

[fasterjohn14]

Create yourself get out. Many individuals stay frustrated basically because they absence the will to go out. It certainly can be challenging to force yourself when you're sensation down but it is an attempt well value creating.

Modify your situation. If you're disappointed, and want to become satisfied, something about your lifestyle clearly needs to alter. For many people, this implies their environment. Are you residing in the little city that triggered your feeling's of non-urban inadequacy? Shift. Are you still operating at the organization that gives you no feeling of significance whatsoever? Stop.

[montanan4ever]

Um, fasterjohn, have you ever been clinically depressed?

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by fasterjohn14

Create yourself get out. Many individuals stay frustrated basically because they absence the will to go out. It certainly can be challenging to force yourself when you're sensation down but it is an attempt well value creating.

Modify your situation. If you're disappointed, and want to become satisfied, something about your lifestyle clearly needs to alter. For many people, this implies their environment. Are you residing in the little city that triggered your feeling's of non-urban inadequacy? Shift. Are you still operating at the organization that gives you no feeling of significance whatsoever? Stop.

It's not that simple when you are actually depressed.

[GreyThinker]

Originally Posted by fasterjohn14

Create yourself get out. Many individuals stay frustrated basically because they absence the will to go out. It certainly can be challenging to force yourself when you're sensation down but it is an attempt well value creating.

Modify your situation. If you're disappointed, and want to become satisfied, something about your lifestyle clearly needs to alter. For many people, this implies their environment. Are you residing in the little city that triggered your feeling's of non-urban inadequacy? Shift. Are you still operating at the organization that gives you no feeling of significance whatsoever? Stop.

Oh that it were that easy