[AndersHolmvik]

to save from typing an entire novel ill basically try to jot things down and focus on where I am now..

always had trouble keeping my interests on one thing, id get super excited about something and then a month or two later the interest wouold fade and id move on - i kinda feel like my whole life is half finished projects

didnt graduate highschool, same thing there, hold interest and do exceptionally well for a while, then entirely lose it and fail.

I started working and decided it was good for me because it "kept" me going. I started at the bottom and over a few years worked myself up to the top really. I make great money and it is actually a profession I enjoy, I'd even call it a career at this point.

About two years ago I got into codeine, and things started getting worse. I had always smoked a lot of weed and drank a lot. Things started slowly, but I eventually started showing up late a lot, and missing hours, and then the financial problems started.. fast forward a bit and I was missing days, even whole weeks at a time as I struggled either with withdrawals wanting to stop and not being able to function or just not feeling like it.. I tried to get help there and got some but have largely like everytrhing it seems in my life to have done it myself..

basically at this point I am off the drugs, Ive stopped smoking weed about 3 months ago and I never drink and as of today I am even 3 weeks without smoking cigarettes.. but I am also like 30k in debt, I am barely going to work, I have no phone, my car was reposessed, I am barely mananging to make rent and I am eating like total ****.. the answer is to keep going to work but I just cant do it. my sleeping is all over the place, I have absolutely no drive or desire for anything. I have no one to go to nowhere to turn, and I cant even call the doctor to make an appointment for anything even though I know itll be larglely useless like it has in my life in the past..

Ill go through a week where I manage to wake up ontime and get to work and I feel great and stuff, but then the weekend comes and ive got nothing to do and I just sleep and then I dont wake up and then I feel like **** from not waking up and instead of just getting up and rushing to work ill move like mollasses until 2 or 3 hours goes by and then I make up some reason to just not go

I really dont know what to do, I dont even have any money in my pocket or a way to even go to the hospital and say I want to kill myself and need help.

the only way I get to work now is because I figured out how to take the bus for free in my area, and the only reason I still have a job is because of family relations, the fact that I am damn ****ing good at what I do and they literally can't replace me and that I owe them money too for help i got over the past year or so.

I just dont have any drive or ambition for anything, even stuff I want to do at this point. I can day dream and envision, but when it comes to doing I just feel like I cant.. like even making food to eat or shower or get out of bed seems daunting

im going to end up on the street soon

like I said I cant even call a help line or make an appointment to see a doc, and i really need help NOW and I dont have time to go see a doc and get a referral and then spend 4 sessions over 2 months figuring out what is wrong.. the only way I can do anything is to make a call from work, but even then I just kinda feel like its pointless.

by all means I should probably feel suicidal but im not, i probably should be, I know the simple answer to all of my problems is to just go to work full time and crawl out of the whole but it all just seems impossible and pointless and i just cant bring myself to do anything.

i really dont know what to do, im considering making the 2 or 3 hour walk to the hospital tomorrow, but even then i dont know wtf theyd do or if theyd do anything to help, pretty sure their mental health ward is referral only. I just feel like there is no help out there for anyone unless theyre already in the streets or are ready to kill themselves. I almost wish I could kill myself, but Id probably lose interest half way there :/

blah

baby think u need breath deeply and maybe pray

[AndersHolmvik]

thats all fine and dandy but not going to change a damn thing

[layla11]

Hi I know exactly what you mean about not being able to find any help. It was the same way with me. I was so depressed and found a lot of understanding from the people here. I couldn't find any help before I came here, it was ridiculous. Glad your here.

[IowaFarmGal]

Hello AndersHolmvik! Welcome to Psych Central! You have a lot of fronts you're fighting on right now. It's great you are making progress to help yourself. I struggle with inertia a lot myself and find it hard sometimes to do the basic stuff I have to do. Debt is a constant worry for me too. Is there a community mental health center there? I'm very low income and the county helps me to get therapy. I don't know if there are programs like that everywhere. I wish you luck finding resources in your area. I hope you find support and advice here that will help you.

[AndersHolmvik]

ive hit rock bottom and im not even on drugs

im more sober than I have ever been since I turned 15 and im 25 :ugh:

i ahve no car, no phone, no transportation, no contact with anyone including my parents who wont help me out

ive got absolutely nothing

i cant even call 911 or a crisis line

im screwed. im literally totally and completely screwed

[AndersHolmvik]

even if i go and get some help i cant work and i cant afford to survive and i definitely cant afford to pay for prescription medication even if i could get help

lol, take a deep breath and pray. i seirously cannot help but laugh at that

[IowaFarmGal]

That must have been on your other thread, I didn't say that to you. I'm sure you didn't come here just to give up. I can't help because I don't know where you are, but the hospital would be able to tell you what the resources are there or at least tell you who to contact. I'm just going to hope you're hanging in there. We're people struggling in life too. We really wish you well even if sometimes we aren't good at expressing it.

[layla11]

Hi, I think there are two threads that are duplicates. I posted on another the other one.

[turquoisesea]

Hi there AndersHolmvik, I think right now you need to take a deep breath, and try to focus on taking care of yourself. I understand how overwhelming all these feelings and pressures on our lives can be at times.

I wanted to make sure you know about these online resources:
http://psychcentral.com/helpme.htm, and please do not rule out calling 911. It may seem too much of a hardship right now, but it is worth it to get help, whatever that takes. Money troubles might seem like the end of the world, but they can get better

Feel free to PM me if you need - I will be offline soon but I will respond as soon as I get any PM.

[miniskull]

Just want to share my support to you. I'm in quite a mess, too. Basically it's a long story but I think we did the right thing comes to this place and share our story. I think it created this relief for our mind and we don't feel too stressed anymore. I can't attend any local support group, so that's why I came here. I think we can help each other by corresponding regularly and tell each others the conditions and situations we are in right now. We both need help- and I think we can provide emotional support to each other. Hope to talk to you soon.

[AndersHolmvik]

i havnt even begun to share my story..

you know I find it pretty ironic that whatever it is that plagues me, that makes me indecisive and have no drive, is exactly waht is keeping me from killing myself. i dont see anything getting better for me, I didnt before and I still dont. Ive managed to kick several drug addictions on my own but things have gotten WORSE for me.

Ill get some money thursday from the week I managed to put in at work, which will go to the rest of rent i owe and wahtever leftover food I can buy. I managed to do well the one week, but the only way I did it was because I woke up at 3am on monday and decided I should stay up. I didnt get to work until 9am because thats how lnog it took me to get around to leaving (1hour 'commute' by bus).. and I managed to keep things goinglike that for the whole week, and I felt good, going to bed at 10pm, waking up 6 hours later refreshed, even though it was 4am.. but i needed hours to get out of bed and eat and get ready to leave anyway... im so lucky my work situation is as flexible as it is, I dont know what id do, i would surely have been fired at any other job or situation, and this makes things even harder on me bcause I just fail them time and time again.. my word is useless, I may absolutely mean something today but it only matters to make things okay today and in the moment.. it sounds like pure drug addict talk but ive been 100% sober for months! today I am officailly 3 weeks clean from cigarettes as well.. this is insanity. So anyway the weekend came, and I've literally nothing to do. I have no friends, no family, no outside hobbies, I sleep as much as I can to avoid waking hours. and thats when my sleep gets ****ed, and I end up waking up at 6pm on monday, and its too late to go to work, but i cant sleep until the morning and I dread staying up a day and a half to fix it like I would need to, I dread it more than anything so the cycle continunes and I miss work for a week...

my whole life is just up and down and up and down and I cant do anything about it

like I said I have no car, I have no money, and I DO NOT HAVE A PHONE. I CANT EVEN CALL 911. The only way i can call anyone is if i do it from work. but everything is closed by 5pm, so that means id have to call during the day, and im not going to do that because eveyrone around would hear. that and I see it as largely ****ing pointless. Even if I call the mental health clinic at the local hospital they need a referral from a regular doctor, and I can't get to my regular doctor anymore since I dont have a car. my only option at this point is really to go in and say im suicidal to get any immediate help, but id probably be held there, and even all that aside, I cant even GET to the hospital. its an 8km walk there, google maps says 2 hours. LOL. and to be honest I just made a 2km walk to the store to steal a can of cream of mushroom so I had something to eat, and that took me well over 30 mins with all the ice and slush we have here at the moment

i just dont know what to do

i really dont