I sometimes feel like I'm dead than alive

I have a severe depression that is going on with me, I stay in close doors in the dark I feel as no one cares about me . I do everything I can I just don't know what is wrong with me. I have a caring boyfriend , have a job ,and go to school . I still hold on to my past such as when my dad use to hit me and my mom and he was always on drugs. My past that I cannot forget but somehow I can't let it go. I have a lot of angry because well I think I got it from my dad but I'm not too sure because if the things he had done to me . I can't never have a smile upon my face . I just want to get over it but I can't .

Having those things happen to you have made you angry. It sounds like you want to make a decision to stop being angry but remembering the past is keeping the anger and depression alive.

Making the choice to reach out is a good decision. Anger and resentment and painful memories are difficult to deal with alone. Dont worry about smiling right now. That can come later. Right now you need someone to talk to explain your feelings. If things are to get better, you need to have faith that it can happen. You will need to put effort into it. You will have to trust. You will need to be patient. There is more but you can get to that smile later when you can feel hopeful again. No one can 'just get over ' depression after it embeds itself.

Are you receiving other support besides PC?

Depression is said to be anger turned inwards. You can't effectively attack the people you are angry at, so all those negative feelings are directed at yourself.

I think it will take you some help to get through he initial phase of the process. You don't want to spend the rest of your life feeling that anger. Whether or not you are able to re-establish your relationship with your father is something you will have to decide on further down the road.

One of my concerns is that you have witnessed your mother's abuse by your father, and that may carry over into your own relationships with men. It doesn't always happen, and you might not see it coming, but its common enough to cause concern.

Your lack of trust might well carry over into your relationship with your boyfriend at some point, and you don't want that. Carrying all that anger and distrust around inside is only going to make trouble down the line. Please try to find a good therapist and be honest with them. This is something you can overcome, but may well need help doing so. Therapy isn't easy, but its much better than the alternative.

sam2

No I am not receiving other support .

PC is a good place for many reasons. We can vent here, we can bounce ideas around with others who've 'been there', we can get advice, we can gain knowledge. Check out some of the databases on the quicklinks at the top of the page or visit the home page, there 1000's of informative articles.

In my experience we cant have 'too much' support. If friends, family, employers, neighbors, etc can join in and support us while we work thru the thoughts and feelings we're having we stand a much better chance of success. A trained, professional Psy Doc or therapist can make the whole process much easier to navigate with treatment plans and medicines.

Start out by chronologically listing out the events that contributed to how you now feel. A rough draft will do to get started. As you write these memories out, feelings are going to come up that might be anger, fear, sorrow, etc... try not to overwhelm yourself (trigger yourself). Work slowly at a pace that lets you reprocess your original responses and re-frame them from a standpoint of survivor rather than victim. Your therapist will help you with this.

You can use the rough draft when you meet with a qualified professional who can then prescribe a treatment plan for you after a complete diagnosis. If you cant afford health care, is there a low cost clinic in your area?

A lot of people use PC to journal. It might be a good idea for you.