So angry with wife

You were considering a relationship with someone else and you were excited about it. How is that different except that she kept it secret?

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I know it doesn't help, but it's not your fault, at all. It doesn't matter if you hid your depression. I don't feel she can be trusted and is taking advantage of you in more ways than one. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but you do have some support here, and you're welcome to PM in whenever. I'm on the computer all day long...I've just been kinda lurking today because I've had my own issues, but I'm always willing to talk to and help a friend. I am in your corner, for whatever thats worth.

It shouldn't. Maybe I shouldn't be so sad about this. I'm just scared and I feel alone. I've spent 8 years with her and this hurts. I guess it hurts less this time than the first, but still. I just feel so sad. I guess that is the right feeling. Sad that I finally see her for what she is and not who I wanted her to be. I feel though I have lost something.

Please stop the thinking that it's your fault. It sounds as if you might have an overly severe conscience. Think about what's been done to you emotionally. You're seeing your therapist soon, aren't you?

Maybe you should ask for your meds to be tweaked for a short time while you
recouperate at an apartment of your own or with your brother in a home you two own together. If you and your brother get along, that's a much cheaper route to follow, simply because you will need to sign a lease if you decide to rent, and things
may change readily in the coming months.

A mother-in-law may not be the best one to confide in since it is her daughter who
is responsible for the problems. Most mothers are going to be very gentle with their
children's problems. A better source for you, in my view, is your grandmother who
has lived the longest and had the most experience with people (generally speaking, of course, of older people. Not all are wise, by any means, but chances are she might be.)

Good wishes.

Personally, I'd nail her to the wall on it (go off big time), but that's me. She was very sneaky and now you know she can't be trusted.

I read your other posts after I posted in response to your OP. I feel bad for you. I know it's not a good feeling. I respect you for what you've said here though. You're stronger than you think.

Hang in there. I'm sorry I can't help except to listen.

Her mother has always treated me well and she sees thru her daughter's b.s. Both of her parents are tough navy people who don't take much guff. Her parents help me out by letting me rent thier house while they are in Florida. They only charge me half as much as they pay in thier mortgage. I'm not looking to confide in my mother in law.I just want to talk to her and let her know what is going on. I think my therapist will have better advice for me than anyone. We are living in her parents home so if I move out I need to talk to her anyway. To get the bills put back in thier name and stuff. My grandma told me that it is probaly best I move out. At least a seleration for now to get my life in order.

They look TOTALLY different to me in terms of transparency (one honest and open, one secret) and actuality (one a discussion/thought/feeling, the other involving various betraying actions!)

As I said, except for the secrecy, the shoe is on the other foot.

Hi Adam,

I've appreciated reading your posts in the forums, you're always very caring and you provide comfort for people in here. I agree with much of the advice people have given - move out as soon as you can (with your cousin) and start building a support system and new networks outside of your main relationship. This is always a daunting task for anyone, but us folks with depression seem to struggle with these emotional tribulations a lot more. Surround yourself with as many people who care about you/you care about or with new people you meet.

And keep us posted!

RJ

Secrecy alone is a pretty big difference, but the bigger difference is thinking about something versus doing it. She did things. He didn't. But we can agree to disagree.

I just hate to see the guy blaming himself for her nastiness. Not right.

The big difference is I told her of my feelings. On top of that I also said I wasn't ready to pursue another relationship and that I would be jealous if she did. And I also spoke of my fear of abandonment, and that she would replace me with someone else. It wasn't something I would openly diverge except for the fact I was trying to be truly honest with her. I only had feelings as well. I didn't go outside of the marriage.

A lot of this started over the topic of children and my depression. For a long time, maybe too long I tried to manage my depression on my own. I would try and do the best I could without professional help or talking about it. My depression was the main reason I didn't want children. I didn't tell her only that I was reluctant. I think that turned into resentment. Maybe that is what this all started over. I think too much damage has been done on both sides to make this a viable relationship again. I doubt I could ever trust her. It's obvious her feelings for me gone. My best thing is to get into therapy and out of this relationship. I need to deal with my depression and self esteem.

If you truly feel the marriage can't be saved then it probably can't. Both parties have to be willing to work on it and there has to be something there to salvage. I'm very sorry you are having to go through this especially while depressed. Depression without a support system is a horrible experience add in a divorce and you have my deepest sympathy. If you need a friend feel free to PM.

It just really pisses me off that shes doing this and she KNOWS how you feel..
it is NEVER ok to cheat in any way. i think she deserves the boot.
but thats just me, i dont know how long youve been together..

Im going to risk being beaten by the rest of the crowd in saying that it sounds like she has some mental health issues Adam and if you can, be compassionate with her while protecting yourself. As someone else mentioned, you're lucky in that kids arent involved.

I have no doubt something is wrong with her. But at this point I can't help her and me. I have to take care of myself to be honest. She has major dependency issues and who knows what else. I don't think this releationship will do me any good to continue. For the time being we still have insurance and she can see someone for 60 bucks a session. She has shown no remorse or anything for her actions. I don't think she cares that I am hurting. Maybe it is my fault for opening up to her about my depression and not dealing with it for so long. Regaurdless of fault I need to end things with her. She is going to have to sort her own problems out. I am in a time of need of a spouse and she conpletly left me hanging. I am trying to deal with my depression and being honest and open about it, and she runs off to some fantasy releationship. I deserve better than that. I treated her really good and did the best I could for her. Her mother said I was the best thing that happened to her and she screwed this marriage up. I feel immense sadness and I need to grieve for the loss of my marriage. I don't see any other way.

Hi Adam
I think maybe you both seeking help is a good idea. Sounds like separation is a start too. Both of you maybe get lawyers.
divorce always has two sides as I know from mine.
Ppl do things in marrages I have no idea why. In mine we both made mistakes. In my eyes what he did was worse as he wanted me gone.
The point is there is two sides. It sounds to me like the both of you are ready to be apart for awhile.
divorce is one of the biggest stressful things in life. So take care of you.
I hope things go ok or as best as they can.

Nobody deserves to be betrayed like that.... I know how ur feeling my husband has done it to me gor the last 12 yrs and it dosnt feel good anf it makes u feel like its something you did and your fault.. We just got a divorce and though i feel lost and sad over my family being torn apart i know i didnt deserve that and will maybe someday do better..... Hope u feel better
..

Thanks. I'm thankful we don't have children to fight over. It is just me and her. Thier parents treat me like thier own son and are regretful my wife has caused these problems. I don't see a way to fix things and she seems unwilling to even talk.

Hope things will settle.
Did you talk to your therapist about this ?

Briefy. Just that she cheated and I don't want to be with her anymore. We only talked for an hour and we had a lot of topics to touch on.

I think that leaving her is the reality check she needs, she will regret what she did once she knows what she lost.