[kitz0490]

Hii.. Friends..
I came to this site because from past several years am unable to come out of this depression. Iam a 23 year old Indian male. There are two train of thoughts in mind always . 1. I need to achieve , need success , reach the top.
2. Need a girl friend , all i need is happiness and a girl can give me that.
Now am convinced that both cannot at same time ( In Indian situation , my age it is not possible , saw many examples).
So last year i started talking to a girl , immediately my thoughts were shifted and i wanted go away from her (to achieve) and when i fight (with her) my thoughts immediately shift to I WANT HER. In the friction between these two notions I went into a depression. And finally i decided i wanted her and proposed her and she rejected me leading to more depression and afterthat i proposed again and again , she rejected me again and again. So more and more depression. I now know i cannot get her. I want to achieve. I want to resolve my dilemma. Please help if anyone can!!

[optimize990h]

Hi kitz0490, the best way to relieve your depression is to help improve your self confidence. That trait must come from within you, not dependent on another person.

I assume(which I don't like to do, but..)that you are not seeing a mental health professional-psychiatrist or psych therapist.

There are resources in this depression forum that you could read to see what would be the most helpful for you.

Keep returning to PsychCentral to check if any of the members have responded to this thread. You might consider writing whatever that needs to be expressed, here.

I think there are about 10-11 web pages of social groups that also may have information to help you out of the depression.

If you feel your depression has worsened , you should try to see a mental health professional who could start treatment for your depression.

[montanan4ever]

Hi Kitz. Are you in India or living elsewhere? I ask because where you are living makes a big difference (as I'm sure you know) in many things--first regarding available help resources, but also in all kinds of cultural and other issues. The challenges facing expatriates can make life a lot different from living in one's own country.

If I understand what you're saying correctly, you state that you are caught between two very big life expectations: the expectation to marry (and I assume pretty soon at your age?) and the expectation that you "achieve," or as Americans like to say, "to make something of yourself." I think those expectations are pretty universal, but the ways you feel the pressure differ from one culture to another.

In many cultures, the pressure is on the girl/woman to make the man happy, and the man is inculcated with the message that he has the right to expect happiness from the woman. Guess what? It does NOT work that way. Happiness is something that you create within yourself, with your own mind and heart and work and effort. You probably know perfectly well that an unhappy marriage is a kind of hell. We all observe those kinds of relationships, and too many of us live them.

In my opinion, you are correct in your belief that pursuing a relationship and building a career are not easy to do at the same time. So it sounds like you pursued a relationship--maybe a little bit out of desperation?--and it didn't work. Okay. So how about the career aspect? What is your education? What are your achievement options at this point? What can you do to move your life in a positive direction that way?

Try to step outside of your feelings a little bit, if you can, and educate us (or me) about what your path options look like where you are now. Perhaps if you can tell us/me the story of what it's like where you are, you will see some ideas or plans begin to form.

[LovelaceF]

Kitz...good things come to those who wait. Work on your success and the rest will come. You will have a much better chance of finding a good wife if you are able to provide for her and who knows, perhaps the girl you want will not reject you when you've finished your education.

[kitz0490]

well friends thank you for relplying!! And to answer your questions. Yes Iam from India. am an under graduate student from a reputed college in India. Iam really good at mathematics and have immense interest in economics , So when i say i need to achieve , I meant i will do MBA and then someday i want to be an economist integrating mathematics and economics.
Ok . So now my problem in depth : Two train of thoughts
1. All I need is happiness and a girl can give me that so go for it , you need a girl friend to be happy. What is the point in working hard to achieve when you are not happy with it?
2. I need to achieve. I cannot be like this. I want something big in life and then only i will be happy . I can get girls later in my life also.
Now to be precise i have catalogued my emotions also : For 3 hours (aprx) i will be in 1st train of thought then the 2nd for around (4-7 hrs) and then 1st again
As i told before , in this dilemma i proposed a girl while actually not making her happy and then i got rejected .
My depression is because of 2 things 1. Cause m unable to resolve my dilemma and there is a constant frction between these thoughts
2. I was close to a girl and now that i proposed her we aint talking.
Please give me suggestions

[montanan4ever]

Thanks for explaining more!

Rejection is so hard :-(. I remember all too well when I was in school the first time (a lonnnng time ago lol) and liking someone who didn't see me that way. It happened two or three times and it was horrible every time. I was profoundly depressed at the same time, as well, which made everything a hundred times worse. Truly awful times and I'm grateful I didn't act on my suicidal impulses. (That was before the days of good, relatively stigma-free medication, too--mid 1980's, and in Germany.)

It's terribly difficult in the USA to support oneself while studying and all the worse if you get married during that time. Is that also the case in India? That is a very good reason to wait, although I'm sure it doesn't feel good at all. Happily, as a male, you don't have the pressure of a ticking biological clock to worry about.

I'm sure you see that the rational thing is to focus on your studies and building at least the beginnings of a viable career. Of course, feelings are not rational :-).

Here's the thing: I think I hear you saying that you are obsessing about these two things and feeling stuck, unable to get out of the rut, as it were. Am I correct? This is something that might indicate that it's a good idea to see a psychiatrist or therapist, to find ways to get yourself out of the rut (a deeply engrained track in a road, is the meaning of the word here--just realized it's one of those words with several meanings!) that you would not think of on your own.

It is also possible that this is a sign that your brain chemistry is shifted/altered in a way that might benefit from medication. Thankfully we now have many options for better living through chemistry, as it were. I've had to change my medication regimen many times over the years, and sometimes the results are nearly miraculous. If you read my posting history here, I was all but incapacitated just a couple of months ago. Shifts in my meds got my mind flowing in more normal directions again. (I have been in psychotherapy for a very long time and am continuing with that as well.)

Student life is difficult and very much unlike the rest of life. I went back to university as an adult and am in my ninth semester of study. It's tough to balance the needs of the classroom, research, etc. with anything resembling normalcy in life. Please take good care of yourself first and foremost, so that you can complete your studies with honors and move forward proudly in your chosen path.

[kitz0490]

Thanks for explaining. Well am a very stubborn person and was always against medicines . Somehow you feel i need medication. Now i would like to ask you , is there any other technique to resolve my dilemma ? If there isn't any i will consult a therapist.