Trying not to go back there

Hi all... Hoping to share my story with some people who get it, because my family is supportive, but they just don't quite get it....

29/f... went through an ugly bout with depression for a few years- had a major physical issue put the kibosh on ever pursuing a career in the horse world... and then I let a relationship screw with my head, flunked out of college, got in a stupid financial situation that I am still digging out of.... I lived at home until I was 25 and until then was only able to land crummy part time retail gigs. My faith in myself was absolutely shaken and if I could have figured out a way to end it without leaving a mess for my family to deal with, I would have. See, I was an awesome student up to that point, the smart, well behaved one compared to my sister.. and there I was, sleeping 12+ hours a day. I was able to pull out of the tailspin thanks to medication, no thanks to therapy. I was able to shake loose and get my life started a bit, land a serious job, get my own place. and the last 4 years haven't been easy, but they've been better.

The past few months have been very hard. November 9th I was laid off from a job I KICKED @$$ at due to a bad turn in the company's attempt at a restructuring bankruptcy.... completely unexpectedly, and then on the 13th, my beloved horse that I owned for 10 years (I kid you not, when everything else in life was sucking, this guy got me through. When stuff got me depressed, knowing he was depending on me to get to work and take care of him kept me going. He wasn't just a horse- this guy was my world).

Honestly, I don't remember much of the next month. I sent out a ton of resumes but I was stuck in an absolute stupor. Jobless. Horseless for the first time since I was 4 years old, and hurting from the loss of my friend.
Christmas brought a reprieve from some exceptionally generous friends, and I received a new horse. He doesn't replace the old one, but he's wonderfully suited to me and I've grown pretty fond of him, and having him gave me the extra push I needed to pull my head together and nail an interview and a new job shortly thereafter.

The new job started off well. I actually got a raise the second day on the job... I dont doubt that I have the skill set to become very good at it, but I'm having a really hard time dealing with the pacing and the stress level (logistics dispatch). It's either quiet and easy or things are just blowing up like mad and all hell has broken loose and you're on a tight schedule to fix it with major $$$$ on the line. Nevermind having the knowledge that I was brought on to help turn around the performance on a set of lanes that we are in danger of losing. we lose them, I have no job. I'm taking antacid constantly. And... I panic and freeze when things start going downhill. I can't think. and then to make things worse, my little inner pessemist reminds me that I got let go just a few months ago at a job that I was far more competent at, and then it just all snowballs and I'm stuck pretty much hoping one of my team members will save my *** and help me figure things out. I'm being told by my supervisor that I'm doing a good job..... but to me, it doesn't feel like it and I am terrified that one day soon they will catch on to what I am seeing and I'll be jobless again.

And a month ago, my new horse suffered a possibly career ending injury. He's on stall rest and is horribly bored, so I spend a bunch of time at the barn keeping him company, and next tuesday we have the vet coming to see if he's healing up at all or if I am going to lose another equine friend. There;s a reasonably good chance of him coming back from it from my research.... 75% of horses with this type of injury return to work. But then... my Andy had a 50% chance of surviving. It could have just as easily gone my way. He was a good boy and deserved a longer life. But that 50% counted for nothing in the end. So if that 50% counted for nothing at all, that 75% doesn't look nearly so rosy.

Have also had major issues with the barn where I'm boarding that have made it not exactly a fun place to be (another boarder stole my horse's bridle, which belonged to my dead horse. totally ruined it, engraving their horse's name all over it, covering it in pink paint. somehow she's not being kicked out and I feel angry every time I see it. My horse doesn't get along with the horse in the stall next to him. The owner doesn't want to move the horse, even though other stalls are available. Somehow my horse having his best chance at recovery comes second to this woman's "I don't want to". And I took a really bad fall off my friend's horse this week because the trainer at the barn has started bringing her very badly behaved dogs out with her and one went after the horse I was riding. Dealing with a cracked rib now. Lucky it wasn't worse considering I have rods running the full length of my back. I missed landing on my head, took the brunt of the spill on my neck and then back. Lots of reasons to want to be gone from there. But until my horse is cleared to leave his stall and later cleared to travel, I'm shoveling out a bunch of money to be someplace where Im not having any fun.

I am overwhelmed, and I just feel exhausted all the time. When I'm not at work or the barn, I go home, feed my pets and I sit on my bed until it's time to go to sleep, and then I go to bed and I get up and do it all over. It's not that I don't have time to fit something in the schedule... and I like my friends- I have some amazing people in my life.... but at this point, doing anything more than what I am doing just feels overwhelming and I feel like the addition of anything to distract me from these two things could prove a huge mistake. What if I stay out late or drink too much and end up with a hangover and I'm tired and I make a stupid mistake at work and get fired? What if I skip a day at the barn and my horse gets bored and acts up and injures himself and ruins any chance of recovery? Like... my coworker is trying to set me up with somebody she knows. I'm supposed to call him this weekend. But... I worked today and I'm tired and the thought of just doing that makes me feel tired, and it feels pointless because at this point I'm too much of a wreck. What's the point anyway? what are the odds I'm going to like this guy and he will like me? Slim. I'm nutty, quirky, friend says I'm "cute" but there's nothing cute about the extra 50 lbs I'm toting around right now. So... that brings us to the next question.... What are the odds it will turn into a relationship? Slim. Therefore, why risk a late night and being overly tired and the impending apocalypse all that could bring? I know it's not totally logical, but I am so busy trying to make sure that the things I have now which were so recently lost to me don't get ruined that I don't know how to move forward.

Ok. Nutjob style rant is over. Appreciate the opportunity to vent a bit... any thoughts?

Hello & Welcome, Blairf83!

Serious work and barn stresses on top of a history of depression... (I don't know about barn stuff, but there is a horse community here at PsychCentral, and they will understand.)
No thanks to conventional therapy, but thanks in part to natural equine therapy, yes? Furry friends frequently match or exceed the value of therapists and doctors.
I believe you should honor your feelings.
Invite him to help you keep your convalescing horse company???

Please continue "ranting."

Hi. I think I understand about the horse issue. I don't ride competitively, just trail ride, but my horses were something that kept me going. I changed stables several times for some of the things you were talking about. Tack disappearing, refusal of the barn owner to cooperate. The first stable had a nice indoor arena with shredded rubber flooring. At the time, my horse was a five year old and kind of headstrong. The barn owner decided to longe him and he pulled her across the ring, so she took out a whip and started whipping him. We left. The second place, my guy had an acre of pasture with a shed, which would have been nice since he prefers the outdoors, but the barn owner kept putting rocks by the front of the pasture to help with drainage, and there was a constant fight with hoof abscesses. The barn owner refused to stop putting it there. My longe line, bridle and a blanket disappeared. Finally we found a good place. During our stay at the second place, I had picked up an old standard bred mare, due for the knackers, and just let her hang out with my riding horse. She died of colic about 6 years ago. It was a tremendous blow.

The horses at the stable I'm at are kept in herds. Their pastures are multiple acres, with four horses a pasture. My guy has been really happy and not had another abscess. I also picked up a connemara foal that was born on the premises and trained him from one month to going under saddle. I used to spend a lot of time there, just being with them was therapeutic. I have a chronic pain condition, which has worsened despite all the Dr,s have tried. Now I don't get to see my boys. I love both of them, and its killing me that I can't see them. Even going out to brush them winds up causing anywhere from one to three days of non-functioning pain. They are well treated, (the barn owner puts them before herself), and my friend's adult daughter continues to work with the connemara. Still, they are out there, so close yet inaccessible.

I used to have a good job, but for the past decade, the pain has been so debiitating that I'm only able to work two to three half days a week. Fortunately, my friends have helped me keep my horses.

Unless you've had a strong bond with a horse, its hard to understand. I'm sure there are others here who know what that feels like as well. Sorry to ramble.

Only you can make the decision about whether or not you want to meet this guy. It sounds like you have so much on your plate with emotional issues that one more might be too much. If you feel like you are coming apart, do you really want to add another emotional roller coaster to your life? Especially if he doesn't share your passion for horses, or at least understand about how you feel about them.

I don't think you are a nutjob. You do need to fill up your tank though. You are running on empty. With all that going on, it would be hard to add a relationship. Take your time and handle one thing at a time, or at least as few at a time as is possible. ]

Sam2