[saddlyunhappy]

Hello. I am new here and not sure how all of this works. I have a hard time opening up - but since none of you know me, I think I can make a start here.

I do not know where to start. So this first thread will be some background on me and some information about my anxiety problems and how I think I am depressed.

A little back ground first: We have been married for 15 years. We have no children - no pets of any kind. I run a business out of the home and my husband works full time job outside of the house.

I have had anxiety problems since I was a young child. Examples: Bite finger nails since I can remember (still do this), chewed lace off shirts when mom sent me to school for the first time, would throw up from nerves when around crowds of people (although I do not throw up, I still get very nervous around crowds of people and avoid it as much as possible).

Let me start by saying I am not suicidal, however I do want to run away and start all over. I also still have my sensible emotion and know that grass is not greener on the other side.

All I do is cry and work anymore. Seriously - I am not sure I want to be married anymore, I am not sure I want to run my business anymore, I am not sure I want to work for someone else again. I am very sad and unhappy right now and am not sure how life is suppose to be for me. If this is it - I do not like it. I can not concentrate on work, I feel anxious and can not sit still, I even have a hard time watching a 30 minute show, I get up during every commercial to do something (nothing in particular), I can not sleep (sleeping has always been issue for me, since I was little)

I have taken the online depression test and my score was 65.

My story is a lot longer than this. But this is where I will start. Thanks for reading and listening to the beginning of my story.

Sadly Unhappy
Depressed “I think”

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

You sound a lot like me.... I remember those days (heck: years) and what I have found was that I had not totally resolved all of my past wounds and that I was NOT happy with ME.... the person that was lost a long the way of life.
I personally feel that being on the mood swing / anxiety medicine (Celexa) that my GP placed me on six months ago was the best thing I ever did.... I can now think and feel as a normal person does.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[saddlyunhappy]

Thanks for the kind words Rhapsody.

I am off to the doctor tomorrow to see if I can finally get help. I do not think I am happy with me and the more I think about it am starting to realize that I have been that way forever (long time). Things in my past that I was not happy with at the time are now making sense as to why that is. I am still having hard time opening up and being honest about that however.

If I do not change soon - my 15 year marriage is going to be over. To be honest at this point I am not sure I want to save my marriage. I also am trying not to make any rash decisions as I know that I am having depressive problems right now, so do not want to make a big mistake and regret if forever.

I feel like I can not do anything right for my husband right now. I am wondering if that is really true or if it is me. He keeps telling me that it is me -when I try to tell him how I feel - he just says that I am being ridiculous and childish. He always has some unkind words to say to me about my feelings.

Maybe it is me and that I am really depressed.

Thanks again for the kind words.

Sadly Unhappy
Wanting to Run Away

hi saddlyunhappy.

first off, can i just say welcome to PsychCentral. im sure using this site will help you find some answers you are looking for.

i think we all hit problme areas in our lives, when we lack direction, focus, love etc. the only way to sort it out is to stop doing the negative things in your life and focus on things that make you happy, whatever that may be. the trouble is, after 15 years of the same old stuff everyday life can seem dull and hard to live, its so easy to want escape. the point im trying to make is that we only live once, so why live a life we are not happy with?

what i would advise you do, saddlyunhappy, is to sit down with your husband, and tell him exactly how you feel, say you feel like running away, ending the marriage etc and if he still says your childish etc then you know your marriage isnt worth saving, in my opinion. and if he loves you he will realise you are in need of his help and he should (i stress the word SHOULD) help you.

it is sometimes hard to open up to others, especially if you normally get negativity from loved ones, ie, your husband. but it will get easier. the best thing to do, i found (so this is my opinion) is that i found someone who i can pm and talk to, one to one, and then slowly felt like i could open up to more people, so try that if you feel it might help. you have done a good thing by joining PsychCentral and that should, in itself, help a little.

Good luck with everything, you can always pm me if you want anything, like a chat etc.

take care and once again, welcome to PsychCentral. your at the right place my friend.