Depressed and More

I posted awhile back how I tried to OD on the 11th of March. It was a combination of worry over losing my job, wondering about unemployment benefits (they were fighting me very hard) and how bills were going to be paid. I had also caused damage to my car, about $1,000 worth.

I won unemployment, my dad helped me with some of the bills so the electric wouldn't be shut off, etc. I should have been okay. I have only gotten worse. I am afraid to be awake - I am afraid of me. When I am awake, all I think about is ODing. I have all the pills I need to do it with. I sleep every day till about noon, get up in enough time to get my son from school, and then come home, lay down, make dinner etc. I am usually okay if I am home with my son, but I am still laying down.

I have no energy, could care less about most things including myself. My T wants me in the hospital so I can get centered again. My husband is completely against this and has threatened me that if I attempt to OD again, he will leave and take my son with him.

Every day is struggle to stay alive. I don't know what else it is other than depression, but it is sucking the life out of me.

Any thoughts?

Mary Alice

I'm not good at advice especially today but you're in my thoughts dear friend
(((((((((((( Mary Alice )))))))))))))

((((Mary Alice)))) I am sorry to hear that you are still having such a hard time. Why is your husband so set against you getting help? I think you should go to the hospital and do as your T suggests. I don't think it's fair that your husband is putting pressure on you right now.
I hope you are able to figure something out and that your husband realizes pressure is not going to do any good.

Good luck,
BJ

((((((Mary Alice))))))))

i'm sorry i've no advice to give you but i'm here if you need an extra friend.

((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))

Just knowing you care helps, Fuzzy.



Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{BJ}}}}}}}}}}} I don't know why he is so set against it. I think he believes it is all in my head, and prefers to ignore it rather than deal with it.

And no, the pressure is only making things worse. I still have to pay all the bills like I did when I was working, just on less money now.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{KJ}}}}}}}}}}}}} I appreciate your offer and support. Thank you.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{gimmeice}}}}}}}}} thank you.

Mary Alice

(((((((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

BB

I feel a bit awkward giving my thoughts to someone who's been here since 2003, but here goes :P

I've found often that the reason our loved ones don't accept this as real is that they're either ill-informed or else willfully ignorant. The willfully ignorant, well, I think they know somehow that it's much easier to just "snap out of" whatever they perceive our psychosomatic problems are. In other words, they have to believe it's nothing or else accept the reality that it's something and a large, potentially threatening monkey on your back.

Ill-informed is MUCH easier to combat. I've recommended folks print out the forum postings they make on the subject and give it to their loved ones. In your case, you'll end up cutting down a small forest to do this, so as an environmentalist, I can't allow it. I would pitch it to him as an alternative to the hospital. If he doesn't want you going there for reasons which are, frankly, opaque to me, then you can say: "ok, I won't go there if I can expect to get similar treatment here at home which might involve additional responsibilities with the kid, and above all, understanding of the situation." Then give him the appropriate book, pamphlet or manual. Alternately, remove whatever Tom Clancy or Robert Ludlum book he's got in the bathroom and replace it with something like "What is Depression?" by R. U. Sad. We guys will read ANYTHING in the john.

Seriously though I do hope you feel better. Some of the worst pain from this comes from our loved-ones reactions to it, but you can't let that stop you from getting the treatment that is appropriate for you. This sounds somewhat glib, too, but try to take care of yourself. It's hard to get back into it after letting yourself go (believe me), but see if you can find some way of getting your hair done, a manicure. Sometimes if there's a beautician school around, you can get your hair done for cheap or free.

Thinking of you - keep us posted, k?

{{{{{{{{{{BB}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}] thank you.

I welcome all input Pseudonym, so thank you. The ironic thing is my husband is bipolar as well, but he is not on any meds and thinks I shouldn't be as well. He just doesn't care the amount of hell he puts the rest of us through when he goes through his mood swings and depressions. We're supposed to just cope with it from him.

I on the other hand am supposed to take care of everything. From my son's schooling (husband is illiterate and not able to do much), to cooking, paying all the bills (worrying about getting them paid and/or making payment arrangements), to doing something simple like reading something to my husband.

I have a huge amount of pressure on me and it is getting worse. Today my T emailed me that he had called my primary doctor and told her not to give me any more meds for awhile - which really ticked me off. I know he did this for my safety, but it still made me angry.

I just know that time is really running short for me lately.

Mary Alice

I'm sorry Mary Alice. That must have been quite painful, feeling stabbed in the back like that. I think you're right though. Was for your best interests.

There's a lot of rough stuff there, and it's a shame you have to bear so much of it. I apologize for the reading in the bathroom remark. Can't be making assumptions. I do wish hubby was more supportive though. Not a lot of advice in that respect, I'm afraid.

Are you any closer to a decision about the hospital?

Hi Mary Alice,

I'm so sorry you have the burdens of your household, the income, and your illness to contend with besides your husbands non-cooperative attitudes as well.

It might be fear of change, and your recovering and feeling better, that holds him back from supporting you.

There is a saying about dealing with the devil you know - meaning things as they are - rather than how you will be when you are stronger, and healthier.

I would hope you do follow your doctors advice as your husband is ill and untreated, not exactly in any position to offer advice, let alone demand anything from you.

If you can secure your children with a loved one, (please do not leave them alone with husband if you enter hospital stay) you can enter the hospital, get on the right medication, have some time to decompress, and hopefully see things clearly about what to do next.

I know it has to be difficult. I suffer with depression and anxiety and there are days I can't get out of bed either, but you are suffering so much right now, you really would be better off getting to a healing phase and seeking the docs treatment so you can cope and feel better.

Hope you don't mind the things I've said. They were my heartfelt thoughts. I only mean to help. Take care Mary Alice - you are an important person to your family and everyone who cares.

It's okay Pseudonym. I'm scared to go see my T on Monday, because I know he will ask me how I am - what can I tell him except the truth? I promised him I would never lie to him.....so I either skip (and then he calls me) or go and see crisis intervention. I'm trying to just stay awake long enough to do the important things and then lay down each day.

Mary Alice

Welcome nightbird! Thank you for taking the time to respond.

My husband used to be very supportive and loving when we first met. I was hardly making any money, etc. Then as I started getting promotions and getting into management jobs, things changed. I think it bothers him that he never finished high school and can't read or write hardly. But it has been this way for quite some time now.

I know I need the hospital, maybe I'll see if my T would talk to my husband about this. I just might do that.

Thanks again.

Mary Alice

That's a good idea, Mary Alice. I do hope your hubby doesn't see T as somehow threatening, because he might start to not want you to go to those sessions either. If hubby has his own T, maybe you could talk to that T instead.

I also wanted to say how much I thought nightbird's comment was insightful. Which is the right icon?