[sammi]

I hate the nighttime. i never seem to understand but it always seems to get worse. I always feel the most alone then, when everyone else is asleep i lay awake and cry. Half the time i don't even know what it is that has me so upset... does anyone else do this? i'm so tired and can't seem to sleep at all anymore its so frusterating. And nobody ever seems to really understand at all

[(JD)]

Welcome to PC (((sammi))) Yes, there are plenty here who understand that. My depression can also be worse at night...in general. I am able to try and distract myself when feeling the worst... perhaps you are prevented from being active at night, and are left alone with your thoughts?

Some ppl have their worst depression upon waking in the morning.

I'm sorry you are feel so sad tonight. Do you have medicine or therapy to help you with your depression?

[sammi]

no i don't my mom never wants to hear that anythings wrong. i've tried to show her and even tell her once that i want help but she won't hear of it. she thinks i'm making it all up and that its all in my head and sometimes i wonder if shes right

[(JD)]

Those are phrases that many ppl fall back on when they don't understand, or are unable to address problems, imo. "making it all up" or "it's all in your head" are common dustoffs I have an attorney who still doesn't understand that my problems are not all in my head...and she's a professional adult paid to represent me. It doesn't mean she's correct.

I would hope you would continue to pursue getting yourself help. Perhaps through your school. If that's too far away in time, then call one of the teen hotlines (800#) and chat with someone there who is very familiar with the ppl who are in your area to help you.

Parents just don't understand sometimes. I'm sorry. But while you must respect her, you can continue to seek real help. Do you see the family MD each year before school? Then surely you can ask her/him for help! That's what they want to do. If you can't get your mom out of the room, then forge ahead and ask for help anyway! Sometimes taking care of ourselves is tough, but it's always worth it!

TC!

[Fuzzybear]

[parataxis]

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_Sky said:
My depression can also be worse at night...in general. I am able to try and distract myself when feeling the worst...

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Is this some difference in threrapeutic styles ??

Mmmm. Although it is hard sometimes... I try NOT to distract myself from being depressed.

The depression is a message from inside me that something is wrong. Why avoid it, why run away. is avoiding it not just adding to the repression?

As my therapist said ....If I was told I had cancer would I ignore it and run away from it.

Oh yes, I do find sometimes I HAVE to get away, but over the last year, by letting the depression be there, I have got used to it. and dont get so depressed nor so often.

Then again, my depression just makes me miserable and takes away all motivation to do anything so I just sit around like a vegetable, it doesnt make me want to do anything drastic.

It might be just my therapist.????
But distracting myself from depression never worked, letting it run its course and burn itself out seems to be reducing it.

[(JD)]

<font color="blue"> For me, there is a big difference between distraction and denying. I have chronic pain and with that came chronic depression. It is always there. But if I concentrate on it, give it full attention, that only feeds it and makes it deeper.

My depression sucks me down into a black swirling mass of chaos and misery. Darkness so dark I can't see in front of my face. The more I give in to it, the farther I fall. It feeds on attention. When I allow the lies that it tells me to ramble around in my head, then more and more black thoughts are added. And the swirl is fed and I fall farther into it.

That feeding, that attention, is different than denying. I don't deny I am depressed most all the time. It's always underlying every thought. I have to admit that I need to question each answer, each thought, and determine if it is truth, or one of the lies of my depression.

Distraction is allowing myself to be depressed, (knowing that I am working on it in the long haul) but not giving into it. I find something else for my mind to engage, rather than the lies and negative thinking the swirl craves.

Make sense?

[sammi]

i have to agree with sky if i try and pretend that its not there i just get worse. cause i have tendencies to deny and try and forget about it. OR just forget about what i'm feeling

In the end it always just seems worse. I'm really good at blocking things out but i'm not so sure if it helps me or not.

I mean eventually i just break down anyways and its worse if i've held it all in.

[parataxis]

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sammi said:
i have to agree with sky if i try and pretend that its not there i just get worse. cause i have tendencies to deny and try and forget about it. OR just forget about what i'm feeling

In the end it always just seems worse. I'm really good at blocking things out but i'm not so sure if it helps me or not.

I mean eventually i just break down anyways and its worse if i've held it all in.

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Sky Sammi,

It must be just a different therapeutic style.

If by the lies the depresion tells you, you mean all the feelings of being unwanted and unloved and horrible and dirty and bad...my therapist said a year ago when I started seeing him
......they are a wall I have built to hide the pain and I must break down the wall.
a bit at a time as I can stand it..
.and really feel the pain
and then I will cope with it better.

Seems to be working.....over the last year ...a little at a time as much as I could take I have let the depression sink in more and more and more and really FEEL it .. and i started to REALLY remember all these times when I was kid and used to cry myself to sleep cos i felt then, so lonely and horrible and unwanted. and Oh yes I felt the pain, I felt how much I really felt bad when i was 2 3 4 5 6 7 8...years old.

and you know, when I started to really recall all that bad stuff I started to see all the good things that happened to me as a kid too.
Oh I wasnt abused or molested then, just born into a family that didnt know what to do with kids and had too much other stuff to worry about. Like getting their next fix

and it was their problem with kids that gave me my problem with myself and I really was NOT dirty and bad and ugly... and that change of seeing things..... well I needed to get back into that original pain to see that the kid i was back then had a lovable, friendly, happy....and dare I say it .... Cute side.

Honey, I used to sit in depression like a vegetable all the time I wasnt at work 24/7 for months on end. Now i just feel unhappy sometimes, for half an hour or so. and feeling unhappy is a whole lot healthier than feeling depressed.

YOu know, I used to think people avoided me cos I was bad and horrible. Now I see they avoided me cos i was just so miseable.
Now they seem to come to me cos i am happy and positive and ...well, kind of a warm person......and doesnt that feel like I have moved to a whole other planet.

Now I just have a problem trusting that these good feelings will stay cos while they do the good people in my life that have come in the last few months will stay too.

It must be just the therapeutic style but I tell you honey, I think if I hadnt tried to work through that bad stuff and let it run its course, if I had kept running away from it....I would still be sitting o the sofa like a vegetable feeling sorry for myself

So,......when you guys talk about distracting yourself.....I treid that...it didnt work....so I swam in it, and theres a whole other much better world on the far shore

[(JD)]

ah I think you are referring to memory work, and depression over that? I can see why what you did worked for you.

My depression is from current state of affairs..and future? I can't give over to it, as it would engulf me forever. TC!

[parataxis]

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_Sky said:
ah I think you are referring to memory work, and depression over that? I can see why what you did worked for you.

My depression is from current state of affairs..and future? I can't give over to it, as it would engulf me forever. TC!

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Ah thats it then.

Mmmm. were you allways depressed. I guess not, I have allways been depressed or just sort of dull for as long as i remember.

I guess I needed to see the source of my depression to get through it.

Well take care of yourself .

[rhubarbpie]

We have crying in common. I didn't cry at bedtime but rather, several hours during the day.

Last week, with much reluctance, I obtained a prescription for Lexapro. I was absolutely AMAZED my crying ended five hours after taking the first pill. I've not cried since. I've not even come close.

Lexapro hasn't really changed my mood in that I'm not shouting with joy. But not crying is a big, big thing as I hated crying.

I know little of SSRI's as this is my first experience. I also have no idea whether Lexapro would work for you. But I thought it might help to know another had crying problems and found a solution. Even if this wears off for me it's great to know there is a solution. I'll find a more permanent solution as I now believe it's possible.

[sammi]

i think a lot of the time i feel guilty. Like i have no real reason for ever feeling like this. I have 2 good loving parents. They took me in when i was 2 and i really don't have any memories of before them.

So as sky mentioned when i feel unwanted and unloved it doesn't even make any sense to me why. But its there.

Special thanks to rhubarbpie too cause i hate crying as well. I never use to before this, now its like i cry every night. If i'm not then i'm sitting up watching tv till 4 am when i finally fall alseep

[ster]

sounds like two people love you vary much to be parrents to you. They picked U, you are special to them.

[Kellyann]

Yes, I understand completely. Night time is the worst part of the day. Everyone asleep, laying there awake thinking about how bad everything is and why I am so rotten. I wish I could offer words of wisdom here, but unfortunately I cannot, I wanted to let you know you are not alone. We have to be strong, learn how to shut out those feelings and sleep. Hang in there, if you need to talk, pc me at any time. Be strong

nightime can be the best time for your mind to work on healing itself, and even though you are not sure what is causing this upset, your sub-concious mind will.

i used to lie in bed at night and cry too, and i couldnt sleep, so i was more tired the next day, which would lead to more tears. the best thing to do is to let yourself cry, get it out of your system, then if you feel tired the next day, nap.

i think its the silence that night brings which triggers these upset feelings. i use the nighttime as a good time to think about issues i have. i lie in bed at night, when everything is silent, and it allows me to think more clearly.

sometimes writing all your feelings down helps, and it might unearth whats making you unhappy. its worth a shot.

its hard to comfort someone witht his problem that you have, the only thing i can say is to allow yourself the freedom to do it, if you feel like you want to disract yourself, then do so, but if you feel up to confronting it, and dealing with it, then confront it. its all entirely natural.

another thing i can suggest you do...if at night your feeling low, come on here, to pc and talk about it, read a few posts, see how others are feeling, maybe go in CHAT and then after about an hour or so you might feel tired and willing to sleep.

i wish you all the best sammi.

let me know how it goes.

take care and i will speak soon.