[jrae]

I've started thinking about WHY this is happening to me. I've had depression for over 13 years now. And the last 5 have been super hard, very debilitating! So why am I the one who has to suffer like this? Why do I have to be robbed of having a 'regular' life? I live in a small, rural community, so it is easy to notice things. Everyone around me gets their 'regular' life: school, dating, college, good jobs, marriage, kids, and some even dream careers. So how come I don't get any of that?? What did I do to deserve this? I've battled suicidal thoughts for half my life. Where is the logic or sense in that?

[catsrhelm]

Hello Jrae. Blame mother nature for the depression thing. She is the one responsible for the chemical imbalance that causes depression. Are you taking any medication or seeing a psychologist?

As for what everyone else is doing, stop fussing over that.

Also it sounds like you may have what I call situational depression. That is when life s**ts on you. You can't avoid it.

Remember, other people may have their problems too. No household is perfect.

Would a cyberhug help?

[jewel2560]

Originally Posted by jrae

I've started thinking about WHY this is happening to me. I've had depression for over 13 years now. And the last 5 have been super hard, very debilitating! So why am I the one who has to suffer like this? Why do I have to be robbed of having a 'regular' life? I live in a small, rural community, so it is easy to notice things. Everyone around me gets their 'regular' life: school, dating, college, good jobs, marriage, kids, and some even dream careers. So how come I don't get any of that?? What did I do to deserve this? I've battled suicidal thoughts for half my life. Where is the logic or sense in that?

Of course you don't deserve this, none of us asked for any of this. It isn't fair or just, it just is. I have asked all of the same questions myself while I have been depressed. Wracking my brain to find out if I'd done anything. We are just the unlucky ones who were born differently. It doesn't mean that it will never get better or have any of the regular things, although we probably never will be 100% normal. No one's life is. I don't know what kind of help you are getting, therapist or psychiatrist or both. But part of what helped me was deciding that no matter how bad the depression was that I will not be a victim. Depression is awful but even if you can't see it you are a stronger person than most because despite it all you have continued with 13 years of hell you are still here and still moving forward. Maybe not where you'd like to be, I'm not even close to where I wanted to be, but you're strong for fighting it. Take some of that strength you have to do one thing you want that is attainable. You'd be surprised how easy one thing can be after all of this. You define what makes you happy, fulfilled, and proud of yourself from now on. What other people do is there business, for now just focus on you.

[shuntboy88]

My wife has suffered from depression for over 20 years, tried everything. And her md has come up with a combo of Lexapro and Abilify. The abilify is expensive even with insurance but it has done the trick. she still has days where she is a little sad, but no more days in bed! Do you take anything? You deserve the best!!

[Paige008]

It never feels 'right' or 'fair'. It sucks and it is totally okay to say that it sucks sometimes. I wonder the same things that you've listed before. I don't think we'll ever lose that part of us that wants more or that wants normal, but maybe we just learn to accept what is normal for us and what is healthy for us. It may not be the same as every other person, but, if we can find a way to make it work for us, that is what matters.

I'm sorry that you're going through this and that you have been. I'm sorry that you have to deal with any of this at all. It isn't fair - It just is.

You're never alone though, despite how much it may feel like it. Keep talking, keep sharing.

Best wishes

[thebelljar12]

Originally Posted by jrae

I've started thinking about WHY this is happening to me. I've had depression for over 13 years now. And the last 5 have been super hard, very debilitating! So why am I the one who has to suffer like this? Why do I have to be robbed of having a 'regular' life? I live in a small, rural community, so it is easy to notice things. Everyone around me gets their 'regular' life: school, dating, college, good jobs, marriage, kids, and some even dream careers. So how come I don't get any of that?? What did I do to deserve this? I've battled suicidal thoughts for half my life. Where is the logic or sense in that?

Hi jrae,

We all have days that you feel like asking, "why me?". But believe it or not, depression is very common these days. Some people are lucky and only experience it for a few months during a difficult time, others have longer bouts, and some of us, like you and me, have it most of their lives. I have been depressed since age 12, I am 26 now. Sometimes I regret that I didn't live life to the fullest when I was younger. It's really not a healthy way to think of it though.

I read in an article somewhere that typically, people with depression usually have a more realistic perspective on life. So, instead of thinking of it as depression, think of it as being a "realist". We see things for how they really are, we can't sugarcoat things. People who say everything is perfect aren't being completely truthful. Life is hard, life sucks, and I don't care if you're the richest, most beautiful person in the world. I don't care if you have a j crew family with a mc mansion and a white picket fence. Everyone has problems. I know sometimes you won't want to hear it, but everyone has to struggle at some point in their lives. Sometimes, people are handed things and seem to have it easier. But I would think of it as, hey, I see life for what it is and nothing more. I'm not phony.

Do you consider yourself creative? If you are or aren't, it can feel really good to express yourself. Even if its something easy liike a paint by number or buying some colored pencils and doodling. It makes me feel a lot better. There are also these templates called mandalas. They are usually symetric, most of them in the form of a circle. The point of them is to calm you down and focus on nothing in your life except coloring them in. If you put some relaxing (not depressing) music on and color for an hour, you have a nice piece of art to hang up and you feel like you've accomplished something. The best part of them is, they're free, you just look up pictures online and print them out.

I have seen countless therapists, psychiatrists, taken lots of different medications, been to the hospital once, went to a day program, etc. I have been through a lot and been depressed for a long time. I hope that what I've said helps you.

I'm here for you, PM me if you'd like to exchange email addy's.
-Lisa

[jrae]

My diagnosis is severe treatment-resistant depression. I've done psychiatrists and therapists and meds.

And many years ago, I use to think that this happened to me because I was one of the few people able to handle it. I was very good at handling it for years, "faking it" was something I was great at. Then something happened and things snowballed and I just couldn't do it anymore.

It's so hard not to think about the things that I have missed out on. And the things I will most likely miss altogether. Like take my family for example. There is my dad & mom. Then my older sister & her husband. (who have been married for over five years and are trying to have kids) My oldest sister and her husband have two sons, ages 8 and 9 1/2. (they have been married over 20 years) And then there is my younger sister and her boyfriend, who have been dating for almost six years. The odd one is me! I have no boyfriend, no marriage, no kids, no companion whatsoever.

I use to have three really good friends. And even though they all lived in the same city which was three hours away from me, we still communicated well for a while. Then I guess cuz things didn't improve with me, it got easier for them to go on with their lives and just leave me behind. One joined the air guard reserve three years ago and has rarely talked to me since then. The second one use to be really good at calling me and emailing me, but now is just one of those people who says they will stay in touch but never does. And the third one, he was pretty good up until a couple years ago, when he met his now-wife, and then he just kinda forgot about me.

And I'm not the kind of person who dwells on thoughts of what "could be" or "should be" and what is fair or not. But seeing those around me just makes me think about how far behind them I actually am. And the fact that I most likely will never have the things that I once dreamed of, the life that I once envisioned myself having.

So I am sorry this got to be so long. Did not mean for that to happen.

[jewel2560]

Hi ,
I completely understand how you are feeling, because while I may not be fully depressed right now, I am seeing so many people I know achieve goals and dreams that I may never be capable of achieving. I do feel behind. People are graduating from masters programs, having kids, or getting married and 70% of my friends are in a long term relationship. I had dreamed of being in the same place as them now, but my disorder has made that impossible. It feels awful to feel this way. It isn't the life I wanted either. I'm sorry you feel this way too. And I'm sorry you're depression is so hard to treat. I would give advice if I had any to make these thoughts easier to handle, but I still am trying to do the same. You aren't alone in them.

[jrae]

there are times when advice is not needed. it's just reassuring to know that at least someone out there understands what this battle is like. you know, what we go through on a daily basis.