[Gringoire]

I feel really stupid doing this. I don't know why but it's almost physically impossible for me to talk about anything personal to anybody in real life (have literally never done it), and it is just barely manageable to do it anonymously. Even as I write these words I feel an incredible amount of shame, guilt and self-loathing. But it has to come out..so I'm sorry for having to do my crap here. Feel free to not read my whining. I wouldn't hold it against you.

I just can't take it anymore. I want help so badly but like I said, it's IMPOSSIBLE to tell this to anybody. I feel as if I will (literally) die before that happens but I can't deal with it on my own anymore. My head keeps going at a million thoughts a second, all of them terrible ones.

I stumbled upon something that helps though. I've gradually started injuring myself without even realizing it. It started with just digging into my skin with fingernails, progressed to punching myself and once I realized what I was really doing I though I'd try a knife..and oh man. I can't stop now. I know it's bad but it helps so much. There's all these memories and thoughts that come into my head and hurt just as bad as they did when they first happened. I used to not know how to deal with this and would wind up screaming, crying and wanting to die so badly..now when this happens I go to work on my arm, and it all just melts away. Everything fades into this beautiful nothingness and I couldn't feel anything emotionally if I tried.

In a sick way it might have saved my life (for now). There have been three times in the last week I was so certain that I wouldn't make it to the morning. I had the plan and was ready to go...but I wound up cutting myself until I passed out. Maybe I never would have done it in the first place. Maybe I'm just too much of a coward.

I've been trying to lie to myself and convince me that there's nothing wrong since I was a teenager. "It's natural" I would say to myself, "I'll grow out of it. Just some teenage angst". But I didn't, and it's gotten a million times worse since then (I'm 23 now if it matters). Part of what makes it so bad is that I don't even know why. I don't have some sad story. I wasn't physically abused or molested, and in a way that makes the shame and self-loathing worse because I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way. I haven't suffered enough to get to be "depressed".

There's always that voice whispering in my ear "Look at you you pathetic fool! There's nothing wrong with you besides the fact that you're a lazy, cowardly, ugly imbecile! So what if you came out stupid and worthless. There are plenty of stupid, worthless people living their lives free of misery and self-pity. Just snap out of it or go ahead and kill yourself already you coward!"

Sometimes I don't even know if it's wrong. But even so..I can't snap out of it, or keep going like this. I want help but that is impossible..but I know I can't keep going on like this. It's quite a dilemma. In creeps the suicidal thoughts..

[Pierro]

Hello Gringiore, You are not stupid. You have a hard time expressing yourself just like me. When I see my doctor sometimes I cant speak to him, he's great and very understanding. He asks me the questions and I nod. I feel like a child. I have depression and other problems but dont ever think you are stupid. When you wrote down your feelings did you feel a little better, I do but thats just me. Self loating is debilitating and very dangerous. A few weeks ago I cut myself many times and momentarily I felt good but the it didnt stop the bad feelings I had. A few weeks ago I thought about all the bad stuff. Are you on Meds! You are not lazy or pathetic. You are so very young and all of your life ahead of you. Please get some help. Print off your page and hand it to your primary care physian. Keep in touch. Stay safe and tell somebody . Please

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Gringoire!

Originally Posted by Gringoire

I haven't suffered enough to get to be "depressed".

Depression is cruel. Depression has a life of its own and doesn't care you "haven't suffered enough." It warps mind and emotions.

I believe that few people can self-help themselves out of the place where you find yourself. Listen to Pierro. What stands in your way of at least summarizing what you've written to a medical professional?

Please keep posting.

[newlifeyeah]

Originally Posted by Gringoire

I feel really stupid doing this. I don't know why but it's almost physically impossible for me to talk about anything personal to anybody in real life (have literally never done it), and it is just barely manageable to do it anonymously. Even as I write these words I feel an incredible amount of shame, guilt and self-loathing. But it has to come out..so I'm sorry for having to do my crap here. Feel free to not read my whining. I wouldn't hold it against you.

I just can't take it anymore. I want help so badly but like I said, it's IMPOSSIBLE to tell this to anybody. I feel as if I will (literally) die before that happens but I can't deal with it on my own anymore. My head keeps going at a million thoughts a second, all of them terrible ones.

I stumbled upon something that helps though. I've gradually started injuring myself without even realizing it. It started with just digging into my skin with fingernails, progressed to punching myself and once I realized what I was really doing I though I'd try a knife..and oh man. I can't stop now. I know it's bad but it helps so much. There's all these memories and thoughts that come into my head and hurt just as bad as they did when they first happened. I used to not know how to deal with this and would wind up screaming, crying and wanting to die so badly..now when this happens I go to work on my arm, and it all just melts away. Everything fades into this beautiful nothingness and I couldn't feel anything emotionally if I tried.

In a sick way it might have saved my life (for now). There have been three times in the last week I was so certain that I wouldn't make it to the morning. I had the plan and was ready to go...but I wound up cutting myself until I passed out. Maybe I never would have done it in the first place. Maybe I'm just too much of a coward.

I've been trying to lie to myself and convince me that there's nothing wrong since I was a teenager. "It's natural" I would say to myself, "I'll grow out of it. Just some teenage angst". But I didn't, and it's gotten a million times worse since then (I'm 23 now if it matters). Part of what makes it so bad is that I don't even know why. I don't have some sad story. I wasn't physically abused or molested, and in a way that makes the shame and self-loathing worse because I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way. I haven't suffered enough to get to be "depressed".

There's always that voice whispering in my ear "Look at you you pathetic fool! There's nothing wrong with you besides the fact that you're a lazy, cowardly, ugly imbecile! So what if you came out stupid and worthless. There are plenty of stupid, worthless people living their lives free of misery and self-pity. Just snap out of it or go ahead and kill yourself already you coward!"

Sometimes I don't even know if it's wrong. But even so..I can't snap out of it, or keep going like this. I want help but that is impossible..but I know I can't keep going on like this. It's quite a dilemma. In creeps the suicidal thoughts..

i will try to keep it short and simple

life is just too short, to give a f ck about what other people think of you.
and by saying this, I'm saying
life is just too short, to give a f ck about what YOU think of YOU.

let me make it clear. it's obvious, that you need people who understand you, you need people who you can talk to, but you just don't seem to know the right steps to take.
But at least you know what you lack, and you know what you need.

And without even noticing, you made THIS HUGE FIRST STEP!

what I'm trying to point out, that there REALLY IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. and nothing to be ashamed of.
so any of those feelings, that you might feel, that you're not worth anything, are just plain and simply wrong. Even if you feel like that, you're just wrong

and this is good news.
just talk more! and it will do wonders!
Here you can say anything, but what's funny, that in the "normal world" outside of this forum, you can do the same as well. Cause we are who we are, and there's nothing to be ashamed of. Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has his/her flaws. This is how humans are. So i would say, you shouldnt care about anything, just talk. talk to people. if they don't listen its a testament of what kind of person THEY are, not you.

And eventually if you talk more, you will find more listeners. and listeners will become friends. And life is so much more fun and much easier with friends around
and maybe you will even be surprised how many of us are dealing with the same thoughts as you are.

cheer up youre perfectly normal. nothing wrong with you. it's just being human.

[bharani1008]

Like Rohag said--depression is cruel. It affects all our thinking, judgement and perspective. But! It's mostly genetics and chemical imbalances. Would your be ashamed of diabetes or epilepsy ? Of course not. Try to understand that you have a disease. It can usually be treated. You have a community here that fully understands what you are feeling---most of us have been there. Shame is so hard to overcome. It was my ruling emotion before I started taking the meds. My Dr. explained that it was the disease talking. So please see yourself as someone with an illness and see a Dr. or counselor. If you met someone who said the same things to you as you said to us, what would you say to them? Just give yourself a break. You are very articulate. Writing should be a good outlet for you. You have made us very clear about your situation. See how intelligent you are.
Just see someone. What could it hurt?

[Fuzzybear]

[adam_k]

Depression is indeed cruel and unfortunately it doesn't need are reason to suck the will to live out of someone. The self harm is a way to cope with the overwhelming despair, and replace it with numbness. The only problem is that the feelings of despair return and you want to hurt yourself more and worse. Your not alone, and your not a psycho for what you are doing. You are just trying to cope the best way you know. Have you considered medications or therapy? I found it a lot easier to talk to a therapist than just a normal person. The first thing is they are bound to confidentiality. And the second is they usual get why you are doing it and have better ways to cope. Keep posting and I hope talking hear makes things better for you.