[OR82]

Why does it take some sort of monumental effort just to want to have someone to talk to? No one wants to listen, no one wants to care; if they do listen they aren't hearing. Why can't anyone just be real? I'm surrounded by people half of my day and I am totally alone! All I want to to have one person I can talk to and be real with, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, that is WAY too much to ask.

[jitters]

Sadly, confidantes begin as acquaintances, and the way to get from A to B is with small talk that gradually develops into big talk. No shortcuts, alas. You've got to invest generous amounts of time and emotional energy, and we all know how tiny our emotional energy budget is when we're depressed

In the interim, support groups and therapists can fill that void - and therapists are really best for helping you sort through the big stuff, anyway. But, hey, there are plenty of ears and shoulders here, so let it rip!

[OR82]

The problem I have with that is that small talk is a waste of time. I do not care about the weather or the football game as much as the next person. People use "small talk" to avoid saying what is on their mind...which is the same as living in fear. Based on that I just choose not to say anything at all. People are too wrapped up in being P.C. and what not instead of being real. Again, I say, a waste of time. Life is too short to waste it on things that have zero meaning.

[Sam2]

Some people don't want to go into serious discussions because they don't want to reveal too much about themselves. Others are uncomfortable talking about depression and how it makes you feel. They may be afraid of saying the wrong thing and further upsetting you, or just have no experience dealing with depression. Listening in general is somewhat of a lost art. Have you ever noticed how difficult it is for a group to be quiet while someone else in that group is talking? Invariably, someone will break in to add their two cents.

Making friends is hard when you are depressed. If you develop depression when you already have several friends, usually many of them will slowly start to fall away. The ones that are left are true friends. They stand by you no matter what, and they are hard to find. They don't have to be physically with you to be friends though. I know that for most people, in situations in which you want someone to listen to your pain, a warm body is preferable, but in absence of that, you can come here. People here know what you mean and how you feel. We may not have identical experiences, but we all know about that pain and the isolation that can come with it.

I guess people have always been uncomfortable with both physical and emotional pain to a degree. We are taught as children how to be polite, but not how to help someone through an emotional crisis. Please let us be your friends. Someone will come along down the road for you. Believe that.

Sam2

[2_b_free]

You might want to go to chat:

Tell people you're new and you need someone to talk to
Define what you need, just listen, advice, conversation
Let them know what you need to talk about, be specific, if you don't want small talk then be very upfront about it and be concise
And sometime it is asking too much, you are asking people to listen to your pain, your raw and painful wounds. Wow that is a lot to ask.
Be a good listener too, they may tell a story to let you know they understand. It's a 2 way street.

[Rohag]

What am I doing wrong?

Speculation: It isn't necessarily a matter of "wrong." If you suffer from anxiety, you may be unconsciously broadcasting your discomfort to people. This is also true for depression. As others have said, depression/anxiety interferes with relationships and communication.

Findings ways to calm yourself in social situations may help you/us locate the few real listeners out there.

[TheRealFDeal]

I hate small talk too. I would rather suffer in silence than participate in that. Sometimes I'm forced to participate in order to avoid being impolite, but it always leaves me feeling empty.

[OR82]

I have had it with people. I am tired of being the one there for others, being the shoulder to cry on and then being brushed aside and blown off. What is wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by OR82

I have had it with people. I am tired of being the one there for others, being the shoulder to cry on and then being brushed aside and blown off. What is wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seems like what you are doing wrong is refusing to accept cultural reality that small talk is a way for people to gauge you and get comfortable with you. They don't want your intense and serious stuff dumped on them until they get to know you in a safer context first. They have boundaries. It's culture. Live by it or die by it. It hurts to not know how to function in it, as I know from 40 or so years of painful experience in that regard.

[penguinsing]

Have you try writing journal ?

[OR82]

Yeah I have tried writing, all it does is give me the opportunity to re-read how much I hate life.

[OR82]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

Seems like what you are doing wrong is refusing to accept cultural reality that small talk is a way for people to gauge you and get comfortable with you. They don't want your intense and serious stuff dumped on them until they get to know you in a safer context first. They have boundaries. It's culture. Live by it or die by it. It hurts to not know how to function in it, as I know from 40 or so years of painful experience in that regard.

Not at all what I meant. I mean that whenever anyone is in need I am there. I advise, I comfort, I listen....once they have what they "need" I am then meaningless to them.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Speculation: It isn't necessarily a matter of "wrong." If you suffer from anxiety, you may be unconsciously broadcasting your discomfort to people. This is also true for depression. As others have said, depression/anxiety interferes with relationships and communication.

Findings ways to calm yourself in social situations may help you/us locate the few real listeners out there.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by OR82

Not at all what I meant. I mean that whenever anyone is in need I am there. I advise, I comfort, I listen....once they have what they "need" I am then meaningless to them.

I'm sorry that happens to you, too. I've experienced those people, those users. That's not friendship. Friendship usually starts slowly. When people are thrown together due to someone's need, often the one needed gets thrown aside after. If you give, it doesn't mean that you get. This is common for women when men want "only one thing." Seems like you need to use smalltalk, too, to gauge people over time and decide who is a friend, who behaves reciprocally. Friends are hard to find. I have had only one, really. And even though he didn't require lots of totally trivial small talk, it did take time to see if we would be friends.

[CharactorAssassin]

Its because of social networking and cameras in everyone's phone. Its not you. Its Facebook.

[CharactorAssassin]

You can't do much of anything without the possibility of it going on Facebook. So don't make any mistakes now. Oh no. If its not a picture someone wrote it on the wall for all to see.