I deserve to be alone.

Hello, it's me again. I hope this was the right area to put this in, considering I haven't actually been diagnosed with depression. But I sure feel depressed.

I'll try to make this very brief, as I rather find my other posts long-winded and annoying. I can't stand myself. I am an evil, vile person. I get so jealous of others, including my best friends, that I get this mentality of "Well if I can't have it, no one can." Just in general, very violent and negative thoughts. I'd never do anything like that...at least, I hope. Sometimes I just want to pound the stuffing out of someone and hope that'll make me feel better. I'm hypocritical, a loser, never do anything right, mediocre, without any motivation...I'm just nothing.

Which is why, last night, I set it in motion to make it so no one has to deal with that anymore. I won't let people be my friend anymore. I've posted on Facebook and Skype that I'm leaving forever and going back to being all alone like I was before I came online. I've never had a real life friend. I've always been like this. It seems all along, I was just forcing myself to be something I wasn't, to try and be around others. But even if I was the most sociable person on Earth, I just don't deserve the friends I've been given. My temper has driven away one of the best friends I've ever had...well, either drove him away or made him need a time-out from me. That's what he said before, but how should I know, I don't trust anything or anyone anymore. That's when everything went downhill. My best friend got all mushy with this guy, and come to find out they're video calling and Skype chatting when I've never heard her voice. They've been talking for three months, she and I almost a year. I mentioned it to her, and got a response for everything else I said BUT that. Can't really blame her for not wanting to hear my voice. And then, I find out that my mother is likely pregnant. All that combined just really set me over the edge. Aside from my friends, I have absolutely nothing. No prospects, no dazzling talents, I'm not even good at math or studying anymore. Every bad thing is falling on me, and I have no escape. I'm even losing the will to get away in the first place. So I might as well get rid of the last thing I have, right? I just don't want them to suffer me anymore. All I ever do is talk about what's wrong in my life, and I have nothing else to say after that. Even if I do, no matter how close we are, I'm afraid to say it. My interests aren't that broad, mostly all I talk about is anime. And if I have something deeper on my mind, I'd just feel dumb and too desperate for conversation if I all of a sudden said HEY LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS! So lately, I just keep my mouth shut and get seethingly jealous of everyone else talking like normal people. But I know I'll miss them. And I know they'll miss me. It's so confusing, I don't know what to do. Yes, I know I should get help. But I have no money for it, and even if I did, I have no way of getting there by myself, anything applicable so far is too far away. I know that people are probably going to say that yes, I deserve friends, and I deserve to be happy. But how can you possibly say that about a true monster?

Hello, SlowlyISigh! My impression is that your current feelings about yourself have everything to do with the ugly and complicated situations you describe in your other thread. Perhaps it would be valuable to lay aside the concept of "deserve" for the present and focus on your survival and safety.

Concerned for you...

Edit: If you are in the USA, consider calling 211 (United Way/AIRS) for information on possible resources.

Depression = feeling stupid/worthless/frustrated/untalented/undeserving/uncommunicative/and so on and so on. Nothing you've said here is unfamiliar to this group. The nice thing about negative feelings is that they're just that: feelings. Self-perceptions that bear no relationship to reality. Whenever I find myself in the deepest, darkest of pits, and no amount of CBT will pull me out of it, I remind myself that it's just the depression talking and I can do my best not to heed its siren call. You know what happened to sailors that heard the sirens' call and became enraptured by it? Depression is just like that, except the singing is more like a ceaseless chant that takes the form of phrases like: "I'm never going to amount to anything", "I'm a terrible person", "I don't deserve good things." So if the most you can do right now is stick a label on those thoughts, "That's my depression talking", you'll be dissociating yourself from the illness, and that's a pretty big accomplishment.

If you're short on cash, you can apply for Medicaid. You can even apply online. Just type "Department of Welfare" and your state in google. Medicaid may only subsidize a limited amount of psychiatrist and therapist visits, but it would be a good start for you.

Best wishes.

Sweetie-- there is NOTHING wrong with you. You are surrounded by sadistic and controlling people who just use you for there pleasure. All the symptoms you describe are listed as parts of depression. Anyone would feel bad in your situation. There is NO excuse for the way they have treated you.
You sound like a sweet, sensitive, articulate person. I understand how hard it is to function in the world when one is shy and sensitive.
I don't know about the job situation in your area but maybe online you can see what kinds of work employers are looking for. Is there a women's shelter in you town? If you can get away from your situation a little while maybe you can get some training to get a start on the job market. I know some kinds of work that requires a little training but they usually have some fees attached. Maybe you could get a small student loan. These jobs are 1) nurses aide--sometimes just a few weeks training is required, 2) beautician-- I have been told that this is a recession proof profession ,3) look for work at your local hospital in housekeeping, food service and central supply dept.
I really feel for you and mostly want to make you clear that none of this is you. It's the situation you are in.
Please keep posting