[Hellion]

And trust me when I say I don't like seeing that i just typed those words, but it's exactly how I feel. I've started feeling suicidal again, its hard not to think about it.....the other night It was hard getting to sleep because I couldn't stop visualizing ways to end it. I might be calmly talking to someone while thinking about it.

I don't want to act on any of that at this point, but it wont get out of my head. I keep thinking I just want to harm myself some other way than suicide. Hell I can't even cut myself non-lethally with a razor without chickening out. The smoking a cigarrette while mentally reminding myself about how unhealthy they are just isn't cutting it.

I mean I don't know if its just too much stress and I need to try and alleviate some of it some how....or if I'm going to end up having to go to the psych ward. For today I am just going to try and not be dragged down too much by how I feel, like I've been doing every day but not sure how much longer I can do it.

I mean basically there is always ongoing drama/tension at home, I've been denied for SSI. Not sure how to deal with the stress of the appeal process not to mention I don't get more medical evidence till june, I am supposed to send in the appeal request in 60 days and so not even sure when I'd be able to submit whatever comes of the neuropsych report by then the appeal might be close to over with. Since the stress is all too much then I also worry about how I am supposed to go about appealing and making it to appointments if I'm in a psych ward because of the damn stress making my symptoms unbearable?

Running out of ideas of what to do, and with how I am feeling I don't even expect anyone to read this let alone respond in any way...the world is trying to tell me 'no one but you can help you.' with a big smile on its face when I was never given the damn tools/skills to do that.

Sorry for the ranting and raving but I am just getting really fed up with life.

[CharactorAssassin]

Say you have the intention to feel good? What's is going to make you feel good? What can you do to make yourself feel good?

[Rohag]

Hellion, are you going through the SSI appeal with or without the assistance of a specialist SSI attorney?

[avlady]

I get days like that, but when i do have those type of thoughts i try to remind myself of the positive thoughts that were ONCE there. Think of something good that makes you feel at least ok. Maybe the ssi will go through next time, i've heard it takes a few times to get it to be accepted.I feel for you as I get suicidal thoughts, at least I was until i started my new meds, it's helped me greatly. I would tell you what they are, but i think we're not supposed to give such info which is a shame. Put some music you like on too, if you feel up to turning the radio on, i know even that can be hard. Get yourself some relaxation tapes of nature sounds too from the store, I listen to waves on the beach.You'll be so relaxed!!!

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by CharactorAssassin

Say you have the intention to feel good? What's is going to make you feel good? What can you do to make yourself feel good?

Well if I really wanted to feel 'good' it would take an unhealthy amount of drugs probably. I can smoke some marijuana, for some relief though I probably have to quit that for complicated reasons even though its one of the major things that makes things a little more bearable deters me from causing harm to myself.

Aside from that I mostly just try to get on with my day, and force a good mood I don't really feel on the inside....its a struggle though. Its like constantly fighting to climb out of an endless pit of despair or something.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hellion, are you going through the SSI appeal with or without the assistance of a specialist SSI attorney?

Hopefully with assistance, not entirely sure how to get an SSI attorney though, maybe I could just ask at the SSI office since I suck at understanding the website wording and phone communication. Also I am already worried its already decided regardless of appeal or not since they did include 'substance abuse and based upon the wording they think my condition will be fine if I avoid substances I tried my very best to be clear that the PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and autism spectrum disorder came first, any of the drug 'abuse' came from trying not to feel like ***** due to those conditions and that is the assesment they come up with. I shouldn't have said anything about it, but then I thought it was illegal under penalty of prison to be at all dishonest so I figured I couldn't say I've never done anything.

I stopped drinking in excess, don't really drink much at all now...and that didn't make it better. I've been smoking cannabis less and less since I am assuming I may have to quit in order to show my condition sucks even without it and yeah it doesn't feel like cutting down is doing me any favors. And I am not using anything else other than my trazodone prescription to sleep. Confused of the stupid legal aspects....cannabis is legal in my state, federally illegal, I could potentially get it medicinally but then would that still be a disqualifier for SSI I just don't know what to do with that particular little complication.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by avlady

I get days like that, but when i do have those type of thoughts i try to remind myself of the positive thoughts that were ONCE there. Think of something good that makes you feel at least ok. Maybe the ssi will go through next time, i've heard it takes a few times to get it to be accepted.I feel for you as I get suicidal thoughts, at least I was until i started my new meds, it's helped me greatly. I would tell you what they are, but i think we're not supposed to give such info which is a shame. Put some music you like on too, if you feel up to turning the radio on, i know even that can be hard. Get yourself some relaxation tapes of nature sounds too from the store, I listen to waves on the beach.You'll be so relaxed!!!

Yeah music can help though sometimes it just makes me feel worse because I can't enjoy it like I want to. Can't really afford relaxation tapes or anything, but I try to relax when I can just to mellow out though usually that lasts about 5 minutes around this house.

Trouble is its most days now and I can't remember what positive thoughts where once there except ones that have been proven wrong in my perspective.

[winter4me]

I wonder if going for disability is the right path for you. You are young, I worry that that will give you more reason to feel less than capable of meeting the challenges of life---I am not at all against people getting SSI, and I know there were times in my life when that was a reasonable choice; at 60 I am glad I did not do that but find myself in a slump right now (feeling overwhelmed, pathetic, (yuck!) and lucky to have kids who are grown, well (even with me as a mom!) and can kick my psychic butt in a kind and helpful way---Work is what held me together all the years (dx: ptsd, major depression recurrent, panic disorder, and I get hypomanic also) the losses and uncertainty. I have never had stellar attendance, change jobs when I am stressed, thought I would be dead before I finished school (just wanting the pain to stop)---and did not go to school for a profession till I was 28. Achieved my BSN at 30 something, continue to struggle but am good at my job because it is the one place (until I can't deal with the politics) my focus is off of me and onto a problem, something to research, to understand, and to respond to---you sound intelligent, and with interests that would lend itself to many paths. When you talk of tension at home, I wonder if you are young and married with kids or living with parents. If the latter, you may really want to find a way to move out (I know how much this did for me and for my brother--who was reluctant and fearful--you don't really feel the tension till you have removed yourself from it.
I have come to think of passive SI and imagining as a kind of relief valve and self-soothing activity; reminding us we have ultimate control if necessary. But then, we all die and may as well find out the best and the worst. (easy to say)---
When I was in my late teens, early twenties, I had what I now recognize as a mild but very real psychotic break. I do not think I would have made it had I returned home. The diagnoses, the meds, the information, was limited and non-existent at that time (I was a student of psychology and scoured all medical and psych literature)---so I made it into my thirties without meds. Now, I wonder how. Physically, I have been healthy and that helps. Best to you whatever you decide is right for you! and a big hug

[CharactorAssassin]

With mere intention you can choose to feel good. Perhaps going for a walk. Intend to go for a walk. Say I intend to go for a walk for 45 mins. I intend to feel good. Maybe make your environment more comfortable. I intend to create energy by cleaning my environment. If you meditate on doing these things you can eventually feel good. The brain and the intelligent universe arranges itself according to your intention. Like the placebo effect. I hope this is helpful even if it sounds completely insane.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by winter4me

I wonder if going for disability is the right path for you. You are young, I worry that that will give you more reason to feel less than capable of meeting the challenges of life---I am not at all against people getting SSI, and I know there were times in my life when that was a reasonable choice; at 60 I am glad I did not do that but find myself in a slump right now (feeling overwhelmed, pathetic, (yuck!) and lucky to have kids who are grown, well (even with me as a mom!) and can kick my psychic butt in a kind and helpful way---Work is what held me together all the years (dx: ptsd, major depression recurrent, panic disorder, and I get hypomanic also) the losses and uncertainty. I have never had stellar attendance, change jobs when I am stressed, thought I would be dead before I finished school (just wanting the pain to stop)---and did not go to school for a profession till I was 28. Achieved my BSN at 30 something, continue to struggle but am good at my job because it is the one place (until I can't deal with the politics) my focus is off of me and onto a problem, something to research, to understand, and to respond to---you sound intelligent, and with interests that would lend itself to many paths. When you talk of tension at home, I wonder if you are young and married with kids or living with parents. If the latter, you may really want to find a way to move out (I know how much this did for me and for my brother--who was reluctant and fearful--you don't really feel the tension till you have removed yourself from it.
I have come to think of passive SI and imagining as a kind of relief valve and self-soothing activity; reminding us we have ultimate control if necessary. But then, we all die and may as well find out the best and the worst. (easy to say)---
When I was in my late teens, early twenties, I had what I now recognize as a mild but very real psychotic break. I do not think I would have made it had I returned home. The diagnoses, the meds, the information, was limited and non-existent at that time (I was a student of psychology and scoured all medical and psych literature)---so I made it into my thirties without meds. Now, I wonder how. Physically, I have been healthy and that helps. Best to you whatever you decide is right for you! and a big hug

I live at home at my moms, and I would like to move out which is part of why I am trying to get financial help from SSI and maybe some state help now that I've heard of that. I really would love to just go work and make my own way but I can hardly make it through the days in general...and even getting a job with my anxiety is a problem since I cannot help coming off as very insecure and anxious when I go and apply for jobs.

I failed out of college twice and doubt I can be approved for loans again since I couldn't pay it back. The PTSD really f**** my chances of a college education or doing anything with it more than the depression and anxiety would have. One of the main causes of the PTSD was a lockdown in my highschool in which a student was killed so being in a classroom or school(even college) campus puts me on edge especially if there is noise in the hallway during class. As for reading I used to be great at it, since the PTSD its very difficult to get through any reading, I miss half of what I read so I have to read it again or I just can't focus for the life of me...makes college even more strenuous when you can't read the material and somehow still make ok grades...but realistically there is no getting through college if you can't actually read the material. I already tried putting my all into life to get somewhere and move on with life and its brought me where I am now.

Also I am about as un-capable of meeting life challenges as it gets, I can't even handle normal amounts of stress without feeling like I am going to lose my mind...I mean its taken a while for me to acknowledge this, before I was just trying to force the capabilities I did not have which in effect was burning me out.

All of that said not sure SSI would have to be a lifelong thing(that is if I even get it)....but in order to have any change of improving my life I need help. I mean I can't even look to new treatments or be open to meds because I don't have the money to pay for treatments and/or meds. But yeah if I was to go job hunting today I'd probably have a mental breakdown just from the stress and worrying what the employers/employees are thinking of me and how its probably obvious to them I've got mental problems. I mean yeah they aren't supposed to discriminate but regardless of that coming off as someone with mental problems is not appealing to an employer looking for a high energy, friendly, capable employee.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by CharactorAssassin

With mere intention you can choose to feel good. Perhaps going for a walk. Intend to go for a walk. Say I intend to go for a walk for 45 mins. I intend to feel good. Maybe make your environment more comfortable. I intend to create energy by cleaning my environment. If you meditate on doing these things you can eventually feel good. The brain and the intelligent universe arranges itself according to your intention. Like the placebo effect. I hope this is helpful even if it sounds completely insane.

My brain doesn't listen regardless of how much I intend to feel good...at least that is how it seems.

[CharactorAssassin]

Yeah I hear ya. Its just via coping strategy to change your thinking because sometimes thoughts can influence feelings. But I guess other times they can't.

[CharactorAssassin]

http://www.mental-health-survival-gu...ve-therapy.htm

Here's something I googled about thoughts influencing feelings. I didn't read it yet. Maybe someone will find it interesting.

[CharactorAssassin]

Another thing is people tend to get more depressed in cold climates due to atrophy and less exercise. Getting exercised can increase your energy and so can having a clean environment. So you can lift your depression by taking these small self care strategies. Raising your energy level bit by bit to be able to accomplish more.

[CharactorAssassin]

The thing is also that if you have a messy place there are things in your view. They are in your mind then hold a place in memory. Remove the thing from your visual field and you have more energy. Out of site, out of mind.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by CharactorAssassin

Another thing is people tend to get more depressed in cold climates due to atrophy and less exercise. Getting exercised can increase your energy and so can having a clean environment. So you can lift your depression by taking these small self care strategies. Raising your energy level bit by bit to be able to accomplish more.

I get quite a bit of excercise, most of the time, I don't have a car so I have to take the bus and walk places and I simply don't like lazing about too much. The trouble is my energy never starts increasing my energy I just use it up and then its hard to do anything and then the cycle continues. This past week its been hard very difficult to do much of anything but I still managed to clean the house some so i have not been as active...but this hasn't been a good week for me at all.

As for a clean environment my environments fairly clean, except i can't seem to finish organizing my room...but it unpleasant emotionally due to the drama and such. I need to figure out how to move out or something.

[beautifulfreak]

Not sure I can offer any words that will help. However I will offer a hug. I am feeling that way now…I'm so tired of it all.

[Hellion]

Ok today was rather ******* I think I will go to bed even though I will wake up hoping it was a freaking dream and then come to the sad realization it wasn't. But I am tired.